It wasn't my hurt. It wasn't my pain. She shared about her past, the trauma that she had went through. It was horrible, the faces of sin. Never had I felt such deep sorrow for the damage sin had caused. I could almost see myself from her eyes, every second that she was going through, being manipulated, being forced, abused, outraged and insulted. I could feel her pain, her tears, the shock, the grieve... She is however one of the many and countless women on earth who had been through such inhumane act, such cruel and selfish act of sin. Even as I write, at least hundreds of women are going through this painful experience.
How is it the man can be so evil? Why is it that people take pleasure while causing pain to others? Why should men bathe in sinful ecstasy at the cost of women's pain? It might be better, that if God's wrath be unleashed on these evil men.
" Lord, I pray for these poor women, that may you have mercy on them, give these women comfort, protect them, ease them of their pain, help them overcome their painful past. Lord, give them a new life, a life of renewed confidence, a life of hope, and lead them to heaven. Lord have mercy. Amen."
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"The only thing necessory for evil to triumph is for the good to do nothing."
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Lamentations from another...
I was thinking of creating another private blog and create this entry instead. Perhaps I was lazy, perhaps I've always wanted to make my feelings known, perhaps I thought that no one would read my blogs anyway - even if there would, I could always pretend that no one had ever did.
I've always thought my existence didnt matter to anyone; since young no one ever seemed to be close to me - not my mum, not my dad, not my friends really, even the previous relationship with a girl had me thinking that we're really galaxies away. I'm not a black hole, not a comet, not a star, not a planet, not a meteor, perhaps just another rock floating around. As I grew up into a teenager, I made it a point not to lie, and in any situation, as best as i could, I wouldn't lie. The most I would do was not to tell the truth, not say anything. I guess this partly explains my quiet nature. Yet, people don't seem to trust me, my dad never seem to trust me. When, despite tremendous efforts to hold strong to the traditional, perhaps outdated, morals and principles, never was there a moment I felt appreciated. It felt like I could just disappear and no one gives a fuck.
In all aspects of my life, I could swear I did to do what is best and be on my best to the people around me - my friends, my parents, my brother, my oldtime buddies... ...It felt like it really didn't matter. I don't know what is wrong with me today, I've grown very tired, very very worn, exhausted to the core, I feel like I just want to sleep and not wake up, lest I become aware to the world around me again.
Life seems to have stuck in some piles of mess, junk that I couldn't recognize. Pretty soon I would be another year older, though i don't feel any older or younger. I don't feel 21, 13, 17, 19, 22, 25, 30....I feel nothing. Someone once asked me, that if I want to be anything or anywhere in this world, what would it be? I said that I wanted to be a ghost, a shadow, any nether being, no form, no legs, no cravings, no hunger, no thirst, no desires, no love, no hate, no shit, nothing. I wanted to float around, like a ghost, to follow people, see the way other people live their lives, see what they do, to observe. Subtly, looking back, I think I was really saying that I want to be a ghost, now!
Though I ain't really lonely, I still have friends around me, and possibly a girl waiting for me to break my silence, my doctor to see me under good control, I still feel terrible. Seriously, I don't know how much longer I could go on like this...
I've always thought my existence didnt matter to anyone; since young no one ever seemed to be close to me - not my mum, not my dad, not my friends really, even the previous relationship with a girl had me thinking that we're really galaxies away. I'm not a black hole, not a comet, not a star, not a planet, not a meteor, perhaps just another rock floating around. As I grew up into a teenager, I made it a point not to lie, and in any situation, as best as i could, I wouldn't lie. The most I would do was not to tell the truth, not say anything. I guess this partly explains my quiet nature. Yet, people don't seem to trust me, my dad never seem to trust me. When, despite tremendous efforts to hold strong to the traditional, perhaps outdated, morals and principles, never was there a moment I felt appreciated. It felt like I could just disappear and no one gives a fuck.
In all aspects of my life, I could swear I did to do what is best and be on my best to the people around me - my friends, my parents, my brother, my oldtime buddies... ...It felt like it really didn't matter. I don't know what is wrong with me today, I've grown very tired, very very worn, exhausted to the core, I feel like I just want to sleep and not wake up, lest I become aware to the world around me again.
Life seems to have stuck in some piles of mess, junk that I couldn't recognize. Pretty soon I would be another year older, though i don't feel any older or younger. I don't feel 21, 13, 17, 19, 22, 25, 30....I feel nothing. Someone once asked me, that if I want to be anything or anywhere in this world, what would it be? I said that I wanted to be a ghost, a shadow, any nether being, no form, no legs, no cravings, no hunger, no thirst, no desires, no love, no hate, no shit, nothing. I wanted to float around, like a ghost, to follow people, see the way other people live their lives, see what they do, to observe. Subtly, looking back, I think I was really saying that I want to be a ghost, now!
Though I ain't really lonely, I still have friends around me, and possibly a girl waiting for me to break my silence, my doctor to see me under good control, I still feel terrible. Seriously, I don't know how much longer I could go on like this...
Monday, November 22, 2004
Extract from a diary
...Can't remember when was the last time I ate. As best as I could, all I had for that last time was some scrap bread found at the back alleys. Fell asleep, and woke up afterwards feeling as wreary as ever. Walked a couple miles north, still...nothing. Haven't seen a soul for weeks...or was it months?...
... ...the wind has gotten chilly of late. To make things worse, I haven't ate for a week for so, ain't seen nobody. Looking into my backpack, there ain't nothing left to relieve me of my nausea...
... the air smells really bad, bodies are everywhere. A battle probably took place days to a week or two ago. I have no clue where to head next...Seems like there are no survivals around, even if there were, they would have gone elsewhere... Scrambling my way out of the dead town, I happened to find myself some biscuits...
...the local temple had been desecrated with dried blood stained all over the walls, the statues broken, glass pieces, empty cartridges littered the ground. Found a first aid box...alas, nothing inside...
...the sun never seem to show itself in this country...darkness engulfed the earth, the smell of the dead lingers in every corner, hope was nowhere within sight...
...I have lost count of the number of days I have been wondering in this eternal darkness, my first battle at Onaotsne was already like a dream - so real, yet so unreal, like it had never happened. I could still remember the thundering of the enemy artillery pounding around us all. Our forces were so quickly decimated; retreating meant facing the guns of our own sergeants, staying in our holes was to slowly await our deaths, to advance was run head-on with enemy machineguns....I couldn't feel my legs...I couldn't breathe...there was no one...I feel sleepy...
...there was familiar looking house a few steps away. Inching slowly towards the door, and very slowly, tiredly, I pushed open the door. I couldn't describe what I was feeling - light, glad, relieved, I saw my family who were so happy to see me. For what it had seemed like years, a sense of warmth rushed through my eyes and my heart...................................
... ...the wind has gotten chilly of late. To make things worse, I haven't ate for a week for so, ain't seen nobody. Looking into my backpack, there ain't nothing left to relieve me of my nausea...
... the air smells really bad, bodies are everywhere. A battle probably took place days to a week or two ago. I have no clue where to head next...Seems like there are no survivals around, even if there were, they would have gone elsewhere... Scrambling my way out of the dead town, I happened to find myself some biscuits...
...the local temple had been desecrated with dried blood stained all over the walls, the statues broken, glass pieces, empty cartridges littered the ground. Found a first aid box...alas, nothing inside...
...the sun never seem to show itself in this country...darkness engulfed the earth, the smell of the dead lingers in every corner, hope was nowhere within sight...
...I have lost count of the number of days I have been wondering in this eternal darkness, my first battle at Onaotsne was already like a dream - so real, yet so unreal, like it had never happened. I could still remember the thundering of the enemy artillery pounding around us all. Our forces were so quickly decimated; retreating meant facing the guns of our own sergeants, staying in our holes was to slowly await our deaths, to advance was run head-on with enemy machineguns....I couldn't feel my legs...I couldn't breathe...there was no one...I feel sleepy...
...there was familiar looking house a few steps away. Inching slowly towards the door, and very slowly, tiredly, I pushed open the door. I couldn't describe what I was feeling - light, glad, relieved, I saw my family who were so happy to see me. For what it had seemed like years, a sense of warmth rushed through my eyes and my heart...................................
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Weightless Mass
It's been long since I've last posted anything decent or worth writing.
The last weeks were some of the hardest to pass - spontaneous emotions, blood rush, paralgia, feelings of vertigo. It's a terrible feeling, like i'm floating around heavily, slowly, seeing people busying with their lives, their duties; I'm simply looking by, plagued by fatigue, feelings of lost, and nostalgic, and guilty. People can't see me, I don't exist, everything's happen all around me, some exciting, some tiring, some seem interesting, but I'm just a part of nothing.
As far as I can remember, I've been floating around for half a year, and nothing I do seem to change that. I want to start running again, I want to start feeling excited again, I want to feel sad again, everything, I just want to get my hands on something...
The last weeks were some of the hardest to pass - spontaneous emotions, blood rush, paralgia, feelings of vertigo. It's a terrible feeling, like i'm floating around heavily, slowly, seeing people busying with their lives, their duties; I'm simply looking by, plagued by fatigue, feelings of lost, and nostalgic, and guilty. People can't see me, I don't exist, everything's happen all around me, some exciting, some tiring, some seem interesting, but I'm just a part of nothing.
As far as I can remember, I've been floating around for half a year, and nothing I do seem to change that. I want to start running again, I want to start feeling excited again, I want to feel sad again, everything, I just want to get my hands on something...
Friday, September 10, 2004
Friday, August 13, 2004
ok, today was both a good and a bad day.
meet a close friend for some drinks, a ride to bukit timah, and a lot of chat in between. talked about physics, his girlfriend problem - torn between his girlfriend and his crush, an old crush. We talked physics, my problems, about communication and a lot others I can't remember. I was reminded that, despite all my emphasis on making communication - verbal, nonverbal - I still suck at it, really bad too. Unlike him, i dont have a girlfriend, much less know how a girl would think, things a girl want to hear...as he put it, i'm a typical male. Perhaps he's being kind by saying *typical, i said *alpha would probably describe me better.
After saying that, I did realize how insensitive I am, how much of a sonuvabitch I am, and the irony is that I chose to this way quite sometime after my failed relationship years ago. Little wonder girls are rarely impressed by me, as I suppose I pissed them off before I could even give them any good impression. Sadly, it seems like what happened later in the day did reinforce that presumption, that I'm a sonuvabitch at communications. And I have my very own words to offer myself, "Richard, this is where intentions and actions/words don't agree".
When I was really really young, already I started having crushes, and back then my dad caused a lot of anguish to my mum with this "alpha" behavior. So I kinda made a promise to myself that I would try be nice to every girl, woman whom I would get to know later in life. Sadly, I can't keep my promise, it seems. Perhaps, superstitiously speaking, god is keeping as many women away from me possible so that i may not hurt them. Okay, it's a sick joke i just played on myself.
Now let me be candid and unfunny about this. I can say I did try my best - I did in the last relationship, I did did my best for my past dates but....aggh.
Everyday I'm always at a loss of what to do, considering the amount of time I spend thinking through things, I must be quite a failure at problem solving, including physics. When my doc first said my intelligence was brillant, I genuinely thought he was only trying to be nice about it, he retorted saying that I should learn to accept praises. And so I did work on that, and not be so cynical and skeptical of things. Recently, I guess, again, it's better to live in pessimism.
Thinking about relationship handling, esp with women, I think I keep making dumb mistakes, screwing things up, screwing myself in the end. It's time I try to make an effort not think too much into things.
Looking into my recently set-up aquarium..........oh no, it's a mess...
meet a close friend for some drinks, a ride to bukit timah, and a lot of chat in between. talked about physics, his girlfriend problem - torn between his girlfriend and his crush, an old crush. We talked physics, my problems, about communication and a lot others I can't remember. I was reminded that, despite all my emphasis on making communication - verbal, nonverbal - I still suck at it, really bad too. Unlike him, i dont have a girlfriend, much less know how a girl would think, things a girl want to hear...as he put it, i'm a typical male. Perhaps he's being kind by saying *typical, i said *alpha would probably describe me better.
After saying that, I did realize how insensitive I am, how much of a sonuvabitch I am, and the irony is that I chose to this way quite sometime after my failed relationship years ago. Little wonder girls are rarely impressed by me, as I suppose I pissed them off before I could even give them any good impression. Sadly, it seems like what happened later in the day did reinforce that presumption, that I'm a sonuvabitch at communications. And I have my very own words to offer myself, "Richard, this is where intentions and actions/words don't agree".
When I was really really young, already I started having crushes, and back then my dad caused a lot of anguish to my mum with this "alpha" behavior. So I kinda made a promise to myself that I would try be nice to every girl, woman whom I would get to know later in life. Sadly, I can't keep my promise, it seems. Perhaps, superstitiously speaking, god is keeping as many women away from me possible so that i may not hurt them. Okay, it's a sick joke i just played on myself.
Now let me be candid and unfunny about this. I can say I did try my best - I did in the last relationship, I did did my best for my past dates but....aggh.
Everyday I'm always at a loss of what to do, considering the amount of time I spend thinking through things, I must be quite a failure at problem solving, including physics. When my doc first said my intelligence was brillant, I genuinely thought he was only trying to be nice about it, he retorted saying that I should learn to accept praises. And so I did work on that, and not be so cynical and skeptical of things. Recently, I guess, again, it's better to live in pessimism.
Thinking about relationship handling, esp with women, I think I keep making dumb mistakes, screwing things up, screwing myself in the end. It's time I try to make an effort not think too much into things.
Looking into my recently set-up aquarium..........oh no, it's a mess...
Friday, August 06, 2004
Zone
He was there, lying down in his own pool of blood, with the back of his smashed really badly. He was still alive, breathing shortly and rapidly with his mouth wide open. His bloodshot eyes were looking straight at me, his face was covered with his own fluid, his limbs not moving as if in paralysis.
I was feeling faint, almost breathless, and very very exhausted. Looking around me, everyone seemed to be talking about me, pointing fingers, shaking their heads, their eyes gazed at me as if in disbelief. I thought I was dreaming - everyone had stopped whatever they were doing, and everyone was really looking at me. For a brief moment, my entire body felt so numb I couldn't move, my hands and legs froze, my chest was feeling very tight, my face was crawling all over the front of my skull. The friend who was with me brought me to a chair and rest, saying nothing. My mind went blank...
The elevator opened and I routinely walked towards my apartment, regimentally reaching into my pockets for the keys. Unlocking what that seemed like an unending number of locks, I finally find myself in the kitchen pouring myself a really cold mug of water, and making my usual coffee. Already, I found myself sitting with eyes looking blankly into the skies, trying to recall what happened....and I can't remember.
Images passed me by. I vaguely recalled that I was having lunch with my friend, talking over his girlfriend problem. I also remembered that I told him that love is both selfish and selfless. It was a session of a friendly chat, lunch, laugh and then fun at the local pool house. Then I remembered the voluptuously dressed receptionist at the counter, whom I stared at for quite for some, as if I didn't believe what I was seeing. Then it was the crowd, the noise, the darkness. Then the frustration, the pain I had from my old injury. The next thing I recall was a guy who was lying under my nose lying in a pool of blood, then the blizzard cold air that surrounded me, the smell of iron, the crying. Where did the guy come from? Who is he? I couldn't remember what happened. Neither could I recall who the guy was, why he was in the state as I saw it. Nothing after that came to me, and only thing I saw next, was the elevator door.
I was feeling faint, almost breathless, and very very exhausted. Looking around me, everyone seemed to be talking about me, pointing fingers, shaking their heads, their eyes gazed at me as if in disbelief. I thought I was dreaming - everyone had stopped whatever they were doing, and everyone was really looking at me. For a brief moment, my entire body felt so numb I couldn't move, my hands and legs froze, my chest was feeling very tight, my face was crawling all over the front of my skull. The friend who was with me brought me to a chair and rest, saying nothing. My mind went blank...
The elevator opened and I routinely walked towards my apartment, regimentally reaching into my pockets for the keys. Unlocking what that seemed like an unending number of locks, I finally find myself in the kitchen pouring myself a really cold mug of water, and making my usual coffee. Already, I found myself sitting with eyes looking blankly into the skies, trying to recall what happened....and I can't remember.
Images passed me by. I vaguely recalled that I was having lunch with my friend, talking over his girlfriend problem. I also remembered that I told him that love is both selfish and selfless. It was a session of a friendly chat, lunch, laugh and then fun at the local pool house. Then I remembered the voluptuously dressed receptionist at the counter, whom I stared at for quite for some, as if I didn't believe what I was seeing. Then it was the crowd, the noise, the darkness. Then the frustration, the pain I had from my old injury. The next thing I recall was a guy who was lying under my nose lying in a pool of blood, then the blizzard cold air that surrounded me, the smell of iron, the crying. Where did the guy come from? Who is he? I couldn't remember what happened. Neither could I recall who the guy was, why he was in the state as I saw it. Nothing after that came to me, and only thing I saw next, was the elevator door.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Pain
one of the reasons why i've always detested watching drama, movies, is that the movie makers always make life seem beautiful still amid all thetroubles. As far as i can say, life has never been kind, it's only a question of perspect, that life can seem beautiful...but that's not my point. through the eyes of my friends, I suppose they would consider me very fortunate to have both parents, that i am able to dress up pretty decently,that I probably look pretty cool, that I have little worry over moneymatters. I can't disagree with them, but, neither can I really agree.
We always look at other people, thinking that they lead better lives than us despite how bad they may even look. i'm no different. Although i do realize that i am lucky in many ways, i'm not without my fair share of life's troubles...no...the 'word' trouble is an understatement - 'torment' is more apt. Everyday, I'm tormented by many many things....my dad, my mum, money, being single, being lonely, feeling empty, feeling despair from my failures. My family is in a mess...my mum thinks nothing butherself and money. my dad has an extremely foul temper, extremely unreasonable when angered. it is tormenting to have a wife like my mum, to have the kind of dad that I have, to be even alive...sometimes. I'm not suggesting that i'm suicidal, but I'm really upset. It's been with me for the past 2 to 3 months or so.
Sometimes, I wish I have a girlfriend who can give me a hug when i need one.To find someone whom I can finally be a weak guy and not act macho, to cry and bathe in love. Life isn't simplistic. Thus having a girlfriend wouldn't truly make things easier, thinking that it would be most probably make things even more difficult, pain even more excruciating to bear, for no one would have no trouble or problems. Thus, it is a burden that I doubt I can bear, unless it isn't a burden. Looking on the bad side, still, it is true however, that by changing things, anything, only serve to exchange sets of problems for another. It's time i remind myself one of my favorite lines, that life is nevereasy...nobody ever said it would be.
We always look at other people, thinking that they lead better lives than us despite how bad they may even look. i'm no different. Although i do realize that i am lucky in many ways, i'm not without my fair share of life's troubles...no...the 'word' trouble is an understatement - 'torment' is more apt. Everyday, I'm tormented by many many things....my dad, my mum, money, being single, being lonely, feeling empty, feeling despair from my failures. My family is in a mess...my mum thinks nothing butherself and money. my dad has an extremely foul temper, extremely unreasonable when angered. it is tormenting to have a wife like my mum, to have the kind of dad that I have, to be even alive...sometimes. I'm not suggesting that i'm suicidal, but I'm really upset. It's been with me for the past 2 to 3 months or so.
Sometimes, I wish I have a girlfriend who can give me a hug when i need one.To find someone whom I can finally be a weak guy and not act macho, to cry and bathe in love. Life isn't simplistic. Thus having a girlfriend wouldn't truly make things easier, thinking that it would be most probably make things even more difficult, pain even more excruciating to bear, for no one would have no trouble or problems. Thus, it is a burden that I doubt I can bear, unless it isn't a burden. Looking on the bad side, still, it is true however, that by changing things, anything, only serve to exchange sets of problems for another. It's time i remind myself one of my favorite lines, that life is nevereasy...nobody ever said it would be.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
A Dream
"It's been years since we first met, and nothing seems to have changed. Looking at her, saying nothing, and slowly pulling her against me. I've always loved the way she lean her face against mine, the way she touches my face, the way she kisses me; the way her face feels on mine, the smell of her hair, the way her eyes glisten when I look into them...everything about her is beautiful.
Time seemed to come to a standstill everytime I feel her heart beating on mine - slow yet strong, forceful yet gentle, warm yet comforting. She's truly the only woman I would ever ask for, I tell myself everytime.
Seeing that I have drifted away, she held me closer to her, massaging the back of my neck, kissing me, I felt so light. I embraced her, leaning my face on hers, almost in tears, I am ever so thankful that I met her, that she had chosen me. We hugged, so possessively in fear of losing that romantic moment. I wish that feeling would never end.
Despite what everyone has been saying, to me, it isn't about that moment of estasy, it is about that feeling of togetherness. Until today, even as I speak, I don't know what to call that feeling, but I know I love the way it feels...and that's all I want. Her."
-The Sweetest Dream I ever had. [GgL]
Time seemed to come to a standstill everytime I feel her heart beating on mine - slow yet strong, forceful yet gentle, warm yet comforting. She's truly the only woman I would ever ask for, I tell myself everytime.
Seeing that I have drifted away, she held me closer to her, massaging the back of my neck, kissing me, I felt so light. I embraced her, leaning my face on hers, almost in tears, I am ever so thankful that I met her, that she had chosen me. We hugged, so possessively in fear of losing that romantic moment. I wish that feeling would never end.
Despite what everyone has been saying, to me, it isn't about that moment of estasy, it is about that feeling of togetherness. Until today, even as I speak, I don't know what to call that feeling, but I know I love the way it feels...and that's all I want. Her."
-The Sweetest Dream I ever had. [GgL]
Thursday, July 15, 2004
The curse
Certainly not a creative day to start writing, but after reading some of my friend's works, I just feel like it, even my brain is practically empty - and this is what i am going to write about.
Frankly, I am really sick and tired of a lot of things. And perhaps this is my own doing, my thinking too much. Everyday I wake up, fatigued, drained and a general lack of energy. But instead of complaining this much, I'll try to recollect some of the things that has improved.
By a sheer stroke of luck, my tuition fees are no longer an issue - still I'm heading to the rural Utah State for my education in time to come. The one who's been causing me much anguish has finally disappeared for a while. What worries me more is the ability to handle myself - the lack of ability to discipline myself, essentially.
Yet, discipline doesn't seem apt enough, because I can still keep up with a lot of things...it's the emotions and the mind drain that is hindering my progress. They are also my strongest demons since the recent years, which I have yet to conquer. Though my progress had been but modest, the curse of cupid would time and again thwart my efforts to pick myself up. So far, romance had never been a blessing to me, it had pained me, paralyzed me, robbed me much of my zeal, my spirit, and will.
Just as I was getting better, my grades should much improvement, someone walked into my life. Expectedly, I lost the battle hands down. Subsequently, I tried venting some of my frustration on the recent soccer matches. Luckily, I am still able to control my spendings, and rational enough to win some pocket money.
When she finally left, of all things, I was to dig up some of my past and talk about...to explain things to my ex...things that I had never told her, things that I thought she deserved to know. Nevertheless, I became rather depressed. No longer am I clear about what she means to me now, perhaps, ambivalence is the word here.
I pray that may the Lord have mercy on me.
Frankly, I am really sick and tired of a lot of things. And perhaps this is my own doing, my thinking too much. Everyday I wake up, fatigued, drained and a general lack of energy. But instead of complaining this much, I'll try to recollect some of the things that has improved.
By a sheer stroke of luck, my tuition fees are no longer an issue - still I'm heading to the rural Utah State for my education in time to come. The one who's been causing me much anguish has finally disappeared for a while. What worries me more is the ability to handle myself - the lack of ability to discipline myself, essentially.
Yet, discipline doesn't seem apt enough, because I can still keep up with a lot of things...it's the emotions and the mind drain that is hindering my progress. They are also my strongest demons since the recent years, which I have yet to conquer. Though my progress had been but modest, the curse of cupid would time and again thwart my efforts to pick myself up. So far, romance had never been a blessing to me, it had pained me, paralyzed me, robbed me much of my zeal, my spirit, and will.
Just as I was getting better, my grades should much improvement, someone walked into my life. Expectedly, I lost the battle hands down. Subsequently, I tried venting some of my frustration on the recent soccer matches. Luckily, I am still able to control my spendings, and rational enough to win some pocket money.
When she finally left, of all things, I was to dig up some of my past and talk about...to explain things to my ex...things that I had never told her, things that I thought she deserved to know. Nevertheless, I became rather depressed. No longer am I clear about what she means to me now, perhaps, ambivalence is the word here.
I pray that may the Lord have mercy on me.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
This world is filled with hate
I've been practically reading the same old things over and over again repeated in different people in their lives. Though different, people always have a lot of things to hate about..the irony is that people are always trying to be happy. How can one be happy and be hateful at the same time?
The paradoxical nature of things would probably tell me that being happy and hateful go hand-in-hand. But this certainly do not imply that happiness and hate can co-exist, but it is through hate then one can learn to be happy. One must learn to first understand the nature of hatred, and then letting it go, so that happiness may find us. At the very least, this "law" applies for me for I was a very hateful person - my old friends can testify this.
I just made a very long, but by no means long-winded, reply to an old friend of mine who bore a lot hatred for her parents for causing the misery that she has presently. She attributes her suffering due to irresponsible, materialistic parents and not see the misery that she unwittingly caused unto herself.
My sister had accidentally smashed a glass of milk onto the floor and refuses to clean it up because she said it was because of that the glass was not properly washed and thus oily, causing the slip. My mum would hear non of it, and insist that she has to responsible for her own actions, and said that the slip was due to her butterfingers and not the oily glass. While my dad maintains that a person has to be responsible for her own actions, so my sister went to her room to cry because no one believed her, and she refused to accept that it was her own fault for the slip. Not caring about the commotion, my brother and I continued what we were doing.
After a good TV program, my mum went to get a drink, and accidentally stepped on the shattered glass my sis had caused. Naturally, my mum flared and raved at my sis for causing her feet to bleed from the glass bit all over the kitchen. Stubborn as she was, my sis went out to watch Spiderman with her friends, leaving the mess behind. Being in a bad mood, my mum went to dress her wounds and remained watching TV, insisting that sis should do the cleaning. My dad, not caring what happened, went back to sleep, while my brother and I can't be bothered with what happened.
This scenario could continue, but I am trying to say here is very simple. While it might be obvious that it was my sister who caused all the anguish, someone has to clean it up, even though the one responsible refused to pick up the pieces. If no one's gonna pick things up, we only have ourselves to blame when we finally step on them.
In life, far too often, other people come into our lives and "smash things up". And wherever we go, we carry these glass bits. Now and then, we may step on those bits again, and attribute and blame the pain caused the peoples responsible. Like I said, in our lives, we only have ourselves to blame when we step on these bits, and we have to clean it up no matter what. Supposedly, my sister does return home but refuse to clean up the pieces, and that I step on those bits because I didn't offer to clean things up, who should I blame? Blaming is a waste of time - it doesn't matter who was the one responsible for the mess in the end. If we dont pick up the bits of glass in our lives, we'll find ourselves avoiding doing many things, avoiding many places, avoid talking about certain issues, we'll be likened to be growing on thin soil amongst thorn bushes. If we grow this way, we may either not grow at all, or cannot grow well.
I hope my friend understands what I am trying to say.
The paradoxical nature of things would probably tell me that being happy and hateful go hand-in-hand. But this certainly do not imply that happiness and hate can co-exist, but it is through hate then one can learn to be happy. One must learn to first understand the nature of hatred, and then letting it go, so that happiness may find us. At the very least, this "law" applies for me for I was a very hateful person - my old friends can testify this.
I just made a very long, but by no means long-winded, reply to an old friend of mine who bore a lot hatred for her parents for causing the misery that she has presently. She attributes her suffering due to irresponsible, materialistic parents and not see the misery that she unwittingly caused unto herself.
My sister had accidentally smashed a glass of milk onto the floor and refuses to clean it up because she said it was because of that the glass was not properly washed and thus oily, causing the slip. My mum would hear non of it, and insist that she has to responsible for her own actions, and said that the slip was due to her butterfingers and not the oily glass. While my dad maintains that a person has to be responsible for her own actions, so my sister went to her room to cry because no one believed her, and she refused to accept that it was her own fault for the slip. Not caring about the commotion, my brother and I continued what we were doing.
After a good TV program, my mum went to get a drink, and accidentally stepped on the shattered glass my sis had caused. Naturally, my mum flared and raved at my sis for causing her feet to bleed from the glass bit all over the kitchen. Stubborn as she was, my sis went out to watch Spiderman with her friends, leaving the mess behind. Being in a bad mood, my mum went to dress her wounds and remained watching TV, insisting that sis should do the cleaning. My dad, not caring what happened, went back to sleep, while my brother and I can't be bothered with what happened.
This scenario could continue, but I am trying to say here is very simple. While it might be obvious that it was my sister who caused all the anguish, someone has to clean it up, even though the one responsible refused to pick up the pieces. If no one's gonna pick things up, we only have ourselves to blame when we finally step on them.
In life, far too often, other people come into our lives and "smash things up". And wherever we go, we carry these glass bits. Now and then, we may step on those bits again, and attribute and blame the pain caused the peoples responsible. Like I said, in our lives, we only have ourselves to blame when we step on these bits, and we have to clean it up no matter what. Supposedly, my sister does return home but refuse to clean up the pieces, and that I step on those bits because I didn't offer to clean things up, who should I blame? Blaming is a waste of time - it doesn't matter who was the one responsible for the mess in the end. If we dont pick up the bits of glass in our lives, we'll find ourselves avoiding doing many things, avoiding many places, avoid talking about certain issues, we'll be likened to be growing on thin soil amongst thorn bushes. If we grow this way, we may either not grow at all, or cannot grow well.
I hope my friend understands what I am trying to say.
8th Jul
Quite a bit happened since the last time I wrote...like, I paid a visit to the Lady at the nativity church lying around my neighborhood. Because the recent weeks have been really painful, I needed that kind of peace, looking around, seeing the peaceful eyes of the statue, the serenity there. Because I was too confused, too distraught to think anything straight, organized thought was almost impossible. This period of "mental paralysis" has been a little too much for me to bear. At times, I have the urge to get myself a few shots of alcohol to numb this feeling of loss, but dismissed them since they wouldn't help at all. Besides, long ago I told myself to try manage all these as best as I can without the drugs. Visiting the doc is definitely going to cost.
Some days after, I visited my confessor. It was a nice meeting and the last time we met was months ago. Thinking back, perhaps I shouldn't have engaged him in an argument between logic, mysticism, realism, and the empirics. Though that sure helped my brain to exercise what I had learned, to quick-think, having such a conversation perhaps did spoil the mood a little. And after the conversation, everything did end well and fine. Leaving his office, I saw one of my old acquaintances in church whom I have been some of the closest to at the birth of my spirituality. A long time sure has passed.
Yesterday, over a telephone conversation, I was hoping my friend would cheer me up or something, or just a coffee somewhere, none of those happened. Instead, I was lectured and given instructions on how to be happy and stuffs like that. Naturally, the only emotion that took over was irriation. Amid all that was said, he mentioned something that was valid, and in fact, all the points raised were, only less relevent. Once again, I know the problem with myself is that I lack hope. Once I used to be a hopeful teenager, who aimed for a rewarding career, a nice home, a good wife, beautiful kids. Now, I don't think about all these things anymore, and I guess that is my problem. To establish a goal in life took a brand new meaning - even the act of deciding on a goal becomes tougher. Because being tolder than I was meant that I had more things in mind to consider - the finances, my aspirations, my talents, etc - and to reach my goal now surely looks tougher than it had previously seem to me. All I hope for now, is to start picking myself up and move on as quickly possible. But this may imply, that to pick myself up, is to look around me, find support, and get up...and this is where the problem lies, I can't see what that is around me. Nevertheless, it better be fast.
An acquaintance of someone whom I had used to date told that the reason we had failed to connect, was that my date saw me as a talkative person. I was a little taken aback, but hardly surprised. People who know me know I am anything but that, often I would rather sit back and listen to what others have to share or lament about than to talk. My first date with her, and the only one we had, I found her a little quiet. Afriad that she might feel too awkward, I remembered ravaging through my brains to find some of the better things to talk about, the usual, like her favorite hangouts, and what about those places or pastimes that she liked about... After recollecting what happened at the date, I was a little annoyed. People often complained about me being too quiet, and when I finally do, I was said to talk too much. Worse, I can get interrupted so many times I would swear to God that I will not open my mouth and let a single word pass until I feel like it again. But afterall, I still decide being the silent one, and would rather be complained as aloof than a chatterbox.
Edgy mood as one can see from what I've written. Hope I may have a good sleep later.
Some days after, I visited my confessor. It was a nice meeting and the last time we met was months ago. Thinking back, perhaps I shouldn't have engaged him in an argument between logic, mysticism, realism, and the empirics. Though that sure helped my brain to exercise what I had learned, to quick-think, having such a conversation perhaps did spoil the mood a little. And after the conversation, everything did end well and fine. Leaving his office, I saw one of my old acquaintances in church whom I have been some of the closest to at the birth of my spirituality. A long time sure has passed.
Yesterday, over a telephone conversation, I was hoping my friend would cheer me up or something, or just a coffee somewhere, none of those happened. Instead, I was lectured and given instructions on how to be happy and stuffs like that. Naturally, the only emotion that took over was irriation. Amid all that was said, he mentioned something that was valid, and in fact, all the points raised were, only less relevent. Once again, I know the problem with myself is that I lack hope. Once I used to be a hopeful teenager, who aimed for a rewarding career, a nice home, a good wife, beautiful kids. Now, I don't think about all these things anymore, and I guess that is my problem. To establish a goal in life took a brand new meaning - even the act of deciding on a goal becomes tougher. Because being tolder than I was meant that I had more things in mind to consider - the finances, my aspirations, my talents, etc - and to reach my goal now surely looks tougher than it had previously seem to me. All I hope for now, is to start picking myself up and move on as quickly possible. But this may imply, that to pick myself up, is to look around me, find support, and get up...and this is where the problem lies, I can't see what that is around me. Nevertheless, it better be fast.
An acquaintance of someone whom I had used to date told that the reason we had failed to connect, was that my date saw me as a talkative person. I was a little taken aback, but hardly surprised. People who know me know I am anything but that, often I would rather sit back and listen to what others have to share or lament about than to talk. My first date with her, and the only one we had, I found her a little quiet. Afriad that she might feel too awkward, I remembered ravaging through my brains to find some of the better things to talk about, the usual, like her favorite hangouts, and what about those places or pastimes that she liked about... After recollecting what happened at the date, I was a little annoyed. People often complained about me being too quiet, and when I finally do, I was said to talk too much. Worse, I can get interrupted so many times I would swear to God that I will not open my mouth and let a single word pass until I feel like it again. But afterall, I still decide being the silent one, and would rather be complained as aloof than a chatterbox.
Edgy mood as one can see from what I've written. Hope I may have a good sleep later.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
1st Jul
I just received a reply to the email I had been talking about, and I'm glad that she didn't feel that we were actually having an argument over emails - she mentioned that it felt more like an exchange of views, exactly what I intended. Argument is not always a bad thing, depending on how it is handled.
However not everyone I know is like her, many find me someone with an extreme lack of manners, fond of arguing for the sake of winning, that I distort facts, distasteful etc. So as for today, I exercised a lot of caution, and in the end, I didn't not say a single word at supper earlier, effectively. Not that I am afriad I could've offended, I'm usually poor at words and expressing myself. Besides, as far as sensitive topics are concerned, I thought it might be a better idea to remain silent.
The things discussed involved a lot of "self-reflection", exploration, deep analysis in regards to one's life. Since life is full of paradoxes, and is always so complex and hard to understand...there's no straight answer as to how someone should've reacted in a given circumstance. When life turns upside down, everyone would naturally feel upset and depressed for a while. When such depression persist for a long time, it is of own's responsibility to find ways to "realign", which is by no means an easy task. Thus, throughout the entire conversation, I said nothing.
Shit happens, always. Everyday, every morning I get up, while walking along the streets, before going to bed, while fumbling trying to sleep, I think about my shortcomings, what I ought have done but didnt, my weaknesses, what I should do, what I need to do... Always, I look for the subtle signs that might tell that I'm heading towards an "oasis" or a "pit". Even though most of times, by the time I saw that, I was already in that state. Nonetheless, I have to try get out before I get too comfortable remaining in that...not moving, not progressing, is a bad thing, I always tell myself. So far, during "oases" or "pits", there hasn't been anyone who have been helping me, perhaps God.
As a friend, it is nevertheless upsetting to know that there is nothing I can do to help my friend in anyway possible. I hope God can help.
However not everyone I know is like her, many find me someone with an extreme lack of manners, fond of arguing for the sake of winning, that I distort facts, distasteful etc. So as for today, I exercised a lot of caution, and in the end, I didn't not say a single word at supper earlier, effectively. Not that I am afriad I could've offended, I'm usually poor at words and expressing myself. Besides, as far as sensitive topics are concerned, I thought it might be a better idea to remain silent.
The things discussed involved a lot of "self-reflection", exploration, deep analysis in regards to one's life. Since life is full of paradoxes, and is always so complex and hard to understand...there's no straight answer as to how someone should've reacted in a given circumstance. When life turns upside down, everyone would naturally feel upset and depressed for a while. When such depression persist for a long time, it is of own's responsibility to find ways to "realign", which is by no means an easy task. Thus, throughout the entire conversation, I said nothing.
Shit happens, always. Everyday, every morning I get up, while walking along the streets, before going to bed, while fumbling trying to sleep, I think about my shortcomings, what I ought have done but didnt, my weaknesses, what I should do, what I need to do... Always, I look for the subtle signs that might tell that I'm heading towards an "oasis" or a "pit". Even though most of times, by the time I saw that, I was already in that state. Nonetheless, I have to try get out before I get too comfortable remaining in that...not moving, not progressing, is a bad thing, I always tell myself. So far, during "oases" or "pits", there hasn't been anyone who have been helping me, perhaps God.
As a friend, it is nevertheless upsetting to know that there is nothing I can do to help my friend in anyway possible. I hope God can help.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Another dreary day
If there are days when one feels the most uncreative, most tiring and highly unproductive...today is just like that for me.
Essentially you can guess how my day passed me by today by my opening sentence. I've always tried to imagine how other feel perceive things, live their day, carry their conversations, do their work, fulfill their committment day after day by imagining that I were them. Always, I've thought other people are much more intelligent, much more hardworking, more invulnerable than I do...everyone is always looking toward something, full of energy, at least that's how I perceive it although subconsciously I'm not quite right about that.
I always tell myself that there is always something waiting for me to do, and in truth, there ARE always many things waiting to be done, but only on occasions do i really put my heart into my obligations. From my actions, they tell me that I am really lazy and unmotivated, and I'm always saddened by that. Yet, I still do little about it. However, just to make myself feel better, I have made very modest progress though, despite what i always tell myself. At least I'm able to study longer hours at home, spend more time on books, reading, enriching myself...even though I'm always convinced that I'm a lazy bum despite what others think.
I read a blog from a friend of mine, a long time friend whom I've never seen, whom I have avoided, in a way, not because we don't get along but because I couldn't stand being in the group we were in. Just sometime before I left that group, I was convinced that most of the people in the group didn't like me, and I didn't feel welcomed either. Partly owing to the fact that I rarely talk a lot in a group, and that I prefer to listen, and also due to my lack of wits, people rarely talk to be. And I wouldn't be surprised if people find me aloof or elusive. Remembering what I had used to read, being rejected obviously tell me that I am different, good or bad. When I was younger, I already saw that my fate is never gonna change, and today, that prediction is still true.
This friend of mine mentioned that despite what that was going on around him, despite the misfortunes, he remained happy, because he was able to see God in those things, and in hardships, to Christians, they should see it as a test, so that their faith may grow stronger. I don't disagree, not at all, but I lamented to myself that I am not able to do the same - to see God. I used to think this way, and it used to give me hope. Only that I was disappointed when things just got progressively tougher. Eventually I gave up hope, I no longer dare hope for anything but prayed occasionally that He may have mercy on me and not let things overwhelm me. Since God has things all planned out for us all, believers non-believers alike, it is assumed that it is for the good of all. So I had also gave up asking God for things. Not a good attitude I would say, but I wouldn't know what's gonna pick me up either.
Previously, I had made many attempts to change myself, expended lots of energy, only to find such an attempt a waste of time...after all, being myself, being what I am, is relatively easier than forcing change, although just being myself is by no means easy. I assume nothing is ever easy. Later, I was also convinced that not just me, everyone has their share of problems despite what they are. Said by some philosopher, change exchanges only they current set of problems for another, and makes little difference. In the end, one might be better off before making that change. The cycle of pain, trouble etc never end, to avoid pain is to avoid life, to avoid life, is only a waste of time; escapism, that is.
At least I am still holding onto myself, to "live life to the fullest" and try to do and fulfill whatever is within my ability, each day, and pushing the limits a little each day. That I guess, would succinct, for now at the very least.
Essentially you can guess how my day passed me by today by my opening sentence. I've always tried to imagine how other feel perceive things, live their day, carry their conversations, do their work, fulfill their committment day after day by imagining that I were them. Always, I've thought other people are much more intelligent, much more hardworking, more invulnerable than I do...everyone is always looking toward something, full of energy, at least that's how I perceive it although subconsciously I'm not quite right about that.
I always tell myself that there is always something waiting for me to do, and in truth, there ARE always many things waiting to be done, but only on occasions do i really put my heart into my obligations. From my actions, they tell me that I am really lazy and unmotivated, and I'm always saddened by that. Yet, I still do little about it. However, just to make myself feel better, I have made very modest progress though, despite what i always tell myself. At least I'm able to study longer hours at home, spend more time on books, reading, enriching myself...even though I'm always convinced that I'm a lazy bum despite what others think.
I read a blog from a friend of mine, a long time friend whom I've never seen, whom I have avoided, in a way, not because we don't get along but because I couldn't stand being in the group we were in. Just sometime before I left that group, I was convinced that most of the people in the group didn't like me, and I didn't feel welcomed either. Partly owing to the fact that I rarely talk a lot in a group, and that I prefer to listen, and also due to my lack of wits, people rarely talk to be. And I wouldn't be surprised if people find me aloof or elusive. Remembering what I had used to read, being rejected obviously tell me that I am different, good or bad. When I was younger, I already saw that my fate is never gonna change, and today, that prediction is still true.
This friend of mine mentioned that despite what that was going on around him, despite the misfortunes, he remained happy, because he was able to see God in those things, and in hardships, to Christians, they should see it as a test, so that their faith may grow stronger. I don't disagree, not at all, but I lamented to myself that I am not able to do the same - to see God. I used to think this way, and it used to give me hope. Only that I was disappointed when things just got progressively tougher. Eventually I gave up hope, I no longer dare hope for anything but prayed occasionally that He may have mercy on me and not let things overwhelm me. Since God has things all planned out for us all, believers non-believers alike, it is assumed that it is for the good of all. So I had also gave up asking God for things. Not a good attitude I would say, but I wouldn't know what's gonna pick me up either.
Previously, I had made many attempts to change myself, expended lots of energy, only to find such an attempt a waste of time...after all, being myself, being what I am, is relatively easier than forcing change, although just being myself is by no means easy. I assume nothing is ever easy. Later, I was also convinced that not just me, everyone has their share of problems despite what they are. Said by some philosopher, change exchanges only they current set of problems for another, and makes little difference. In the end, one might be better off before making that change. The cycle of pain, trouble etc never end, to avoid pain is to avoid life, to avoid life, is only a waste of time; escapism, that is.
At least I am still holding onto myself, to "live life to the fullest" and try to do and fulfill whatever is within my ability, each day, and pushing the limits a little each day. That I guess, would succinct, for now at the very least.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Truth
For a long time I've never wanted to write anything like this, not this soon, not too often, for it seems like people never liked to listen to stuff like that, yet I'd always spend more or less time a day to ponder.
I've been proud of my recent contributions I had made to boost my own wisdom, of all that I have understood, the two are the most frequent on my lips - "What that remains unseen or unobservable do not mean that nothing is present." More commonly I would phrase it as, "What that is unseen doesn't mean it doesn't exist" The cosmic black hole is one example. The black hole is such that the escape velocity is greater than the speed of light, therefore light cannot radiate from it, which in turn imply that a black hole cannot be seen [at least not directly]. Its presence can be detected by observing radio waves in space, planetary orbits etc. The more common example would be the sun. While we cannot see the sun at night, we know that the sun is there.
My second favorite sentence is as follows, "While being invisible or even being insubstantial doesn't equate to inexistence, what that can be seen IS, by itself, deceitful. Seeing is thus unnecessarily believing and is doubtful." or "Seeing is NOT believing" By observation using our naked eye, without the help of modern telescopes, without mathematics, the sun has been observed to revolved around the sun and is the apparent truth. The great mind of Aristotle himself believed in this so much, and during the Middle Ages especially [from what I remember], the Roman Catholic Church held the Aristolean philosophy in high regard. And do bear in mind that during those times, there wasn't a field of study called "Physics", hardly anyone could figure that the our planetary system was not geocentric [but heliocentric]. Such belief was so strong, despite how untrue the geocentric theory was, people held strongly to that belief, perhaps too strong that many people who thought otherwise were punished by Inquisition.
Earlier today, I just sent an email to a friend, and I ended the note with my attitude towards arguement. Strictly on a personal basis, I see argument as good, good because through argument, I may learn from what others have to contribute towards what they think is the truth. To me, the spirit of argument, though imperatively aggressive, it is curious in nature, seeks to learn, and nevertheless, innately friendly and not hostile.
Shortly after I was done sending that email, I met my usual friends, long-time friends to be exact whose presence and company never fails to cheer, lift me. I couldn't remember how the arguement started, but did begin with the importance of language - that communication, vocabulary and the choice of words are vital and crucial to engage in effective communcation. To even begin understanding how to engage in effective communication, one must not underestimate the consequence of poor choice of words, and to use the words we decide on, we first have to understand the definition of each word, each phrase.
To provide with an example, last night, i remarked that I would want to have roti prata for breakfast the morning that followed. My sister exclaimed that I've always want to have roti prata everyday. What that was flawed lied in "everyday". The truth is, I had roti prata for breakfast last week, and I don't have the same things everyday unless I follow a strict routine, of work, study etc. Therefore I retorted that her choice in using the word "everyday" was not only incorrect but also highly inaccurate. While it may seem that I had blowned the matter out of mythic proportions, it depicted, showed explicitly my high regards for accuracy and appropriation for vocabulary, choices of words. At the same time I have to also add that my english is only average, as one could see from my previous writings.
Somehow, my friend and I went into the topic of the relationship between nerve cells and muscle cells. He had claimed that nerve cells and muscle cells are independent of each other, despite the absence of the other, one could still function normally. I remarked that his claim is not credible, since we have a few living, observable examples, and these few examples had consistently, through many years, produced the same results, that muscle cells require nerve cells to function properly. One classic example is the reflex action, when you hit yourself in the hollow just below the knee cap, you know that would cause the muscles to contract causing the leg to kick up. Another one, perhaps a better example would be someone who suffers from severed nerve cells waist down, everything waist down would be rendered immobile, and muscles would not work, the suffer would not be able to walk without aid. To bring the example further, the muscle cells waist down would eventually shrink and disintegrate.
Despite all these valid examples, repeated in thousands, producing consistent results proving that muscles cells require nerve cells to coordinate, my friend chose to believe in what he has always believed.
When the day finally ended, I tried to recall the earlier incident with my friend...despite my favorite "The Two Lines of Wisdom" which I had introduced at the beginning of the chapter, it seemed that my friend proved me otherwise. Here I tell myself another line, "Truth is what and how we, on a personal level, define it to be." Every different individual was brought up in a different manner, similar twins eventually grow up having contrasting characters, the way people define life, define happiness, define truth is all different. How true, then, can the truth be truth? How do we, amid individual differences, come up with a standard that defines what is true, what that is reality, and be accepted by humanity?
Life is tough...nobody ever said life is going to be easy. Life is ugly, humans are ugly...if not, bad things would not happen so often. (But of course, I would like to caution you that when i said "ugly" I do not mean it to be literally ugly.) If life sucks, and is ugly [in my own words], then the Truth sucks, and is ugly. But the truth also says that people are always looking for the truth, itself. Yet, when people see that the truth is ugly, that truth sucks, people add garnish, condiments, pepper it, beautify, trim it...and to them, their "result" is "The Truth".
Can what that is more or lesser than the truth itself any truer than the true itself? Assuming that Reagan died naturally and peacefully, which he did, and supposed someone started to say that Reagan had died of a heart attack instead; how would that sentence prove to be true? Likewise, the "truths" that Reagan died of cancer, that he didn't die at all, or that he was killed/assassinated are not true. Only one version stands; Reagan died a natural death. Period. So the truth is only true (or should I instead say "truest") when taken as a whole, no more, no less. Sadly, people don't seem to see it.
"A false/untrue definition of a situation can evoke a behavior that makes the orginally false conception become true."
-Sociology, on Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
"Truth is what one defines to be"
- Richard D Lee
I've been proud of my recent contributions I had made to boost my own wisdom, of all that I have understood, the two are the most frequent on my lips - "What that remains unseen or unobservable do not mean that nothing is present." More commonly I would phrase it as, "What that is unseen doesn't mean it doesn't exist" The cosmic black hole is one example. The black hole is such that the escape velocity is greater than the speed of light, therefore light cannot radiate from it, which in turn imply that a black hole cannot be seen [at least not directly]. Its presence can be detected by observing radio waves in space, planetary orbits etc. The more common example would be the sun. While we cannot see the sun at night, we know that the sun is there.
My second favorite sentence is as follows, "While being invisible or even being insubstantial doesn't equate to inexistence, what that can be seen IS, by itself, deceitful. Seeing is thus unnecessarily believing and is doubtful." or "Seeing is NOT believing" By observation using our naked eye, without the help of modern telescopes, without mathematics, the sun has been observed to revolved around the sun and is the apparent truth. The great mind of Aristotle himself believed in this so much, and during the Middle Ages especially [from what I remember], the Roman Catholic Church held the Aristolean philosophy in high regard. And do bear in mind that during those times, there wasn't a field of study called "Physics", hardly anyone could figure that the our planetary system was not geocentric [but heliocentric]. Such belief was so strong, despite how untrue the geocentric theory was, people held strongly to that belief, perhaps too strong that many people who thought otherwise were punished by Inquisition.
Earlier today, I just sent an email to a friend, and I ended the note with my attitude towards arguement. Strictly on a personal basis, I see argument as good, good because through argument, I may learn from what others have to contribute towards what they think is the truth. To me, the spirit of argument, though imperatively aggressive, it is curious in nature, seeks to learn, and nevertheless, innately friendly and not hostile.
Shortly after I was done sending that email, I met my usual friends, long-time friends to be exact whose presence and company never fails to cheer, lift me. I couldn't remember how the arguement started, but did begin with the importance of language - that communication, vocabulary and the choice of words are vital and crucial to engage in effective communcation. To even begin understanding how to engage in effective communication, one must not underestimate the consequence of poor choice of words, and to use the words we decide on, we first have to understand the definition of each word, each phrase.
To provide with an example, last night, i remarked that I would want to have roti prata for breakfast the morning that followed. My sister exclaimed that I've always want to have roti prata everyday. What that was flawed lied in "everyday". The truth is, I had roti prata for breakfast last week, and I don't have the same things everyday unless I follow a strict routine, of work, study etc. Therefore I retorted that her choice in using the word "everyday" was not only incorrect but also highly inaccurate. While it may seem that I had blowned the matter out of mythic proportions, it depicted, showed explicitly my high regards for accuracy and appropriation for vocabulary, choices of words. At the same time I have to also add that my english is only average, as one could see from my previous writings.
Somehow, my friend and I went into the topic of the relationship between nerve cells and muscle cells. He had claimed that nerve cells and muscle cells are independent of each other, despite the absence of the other, one could still function normally. I remarked that his claim is not credible, since we have a few living, observable examples, and these few examples had consistently, through many years, produced the same results, that muscle cells require nerve cells to function properly. One classic example is the reflex action, when you hit yourself in the hollow just below the knee cap, you know that would cause the muscles to contract causing the leg to kick up. Another one, perhaps a better example would be someone who suffers from severed nerve cells waist down, everything waist down would be rendered immobile, and muscles would not work, the suffer would not be able to walk without aid. To bring the example further, the muscle cells waist down would eventually shrink and disintegrate.
Despite all these valid examples, repeated in thousands, producing consistent results proving that muscles cells require nerve cells to coordinate, my friend chose to believe in what he has always believed.
When the day finally ended, I tried to recall the earlier incident with my friend...despite my favorite "The Two Lines of Wisdom" which I had introduced at the beginning of the chapter, it seemed that my friend proved me otherwise. Here I tell myself another line, "Truth is what and how we, on a personal level, define it to be." Every different individual was brought up in a different manner, similar twins eventually grow up having contrasting characters, the way people define life, define happiness, define truth is all different. How true, then, can the truth be truth? How do we, amid individual differences, come up with a standard that defines what is true, what that is reality, and be accepted by humanity?
Life is tough...nobody ever said life is going to be easy. Life is ugly, humans are ugly...if not, bad things would not happen so often. (But of course, I would like to caution you that when i said "ugly" I do not mean it to be literally ugly.) If life sucks, and is ugly [in my own words], then the Truth sucks, and is ugly. But the truth also says that people are always looking for the truth, itself. Yet, when people see that the truth is ugly, that truth sucks, people add garnish, condiments, pepper it, beautify, trim it...and to them, their "result" is "The Truth".
Can what that is more or lesser than the truth itself any truer than the true itself? Assuming that Reagan died naturally and peacefully, which he did, and supposed someone started to say that Reagan had died of a heart attack instead; how would that sentence prove to be true? Likewise, the "truths" that Reagan died of cancer, that he didn't die at all, or that he was killed/assassinated are not true. Only one version stands; Reagan died a natural death. Period. So the truth is only true (or should I instead say "truest") when taken as a whole, no more, no less. Sadly, people don't seem to see it.
"A false/untrue definition of a situation can evoke a behavior that makes the orginally false conception become true."
-Sociology, on Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
"Truth is what one defines to be"
- Richard D Lee
Sunday, June 13, 2004
An extract of my email to a friend
"...I've always been pessimistic and always bleak and always paint a grim picture on our society and humanity. I strongly believe that every single person is motivated by what I would call the "profit motive" - derived from the definition in economic terms, that everyone is literally motivated by profit, and that motivation is rarely [or even
remotely] selfless; is always selfish.
People do things for a reason, things happen for reason, and the actions of people speaks of their selfishness despite what they say - politicians are extremely guilty of this i daringly assume. The rest of us are more or less the same, of course that includes me. That in turn reminded me of my ex-girlfriend, my past failed relationships that ended without even having anything started despite all my good intents. They all ended in same way, in their final deliverance was to send me a very vengeful sentence, that I have never forgotten, that have never failed to hurt me deeply. This led me to believe that people who seek romance, are actually, really, often unconsciously, looking for dependency. Once found, they remain in parasitism to the host, and if the latter prove to be an unsuitable find, they leave [this applies to men and women alike].
I came to this conclusion some years ago, when I had consecutive failures in many relationships, romance and friendships...after being in years long of depression, I completely lost faith and hope in all things..for hope only seems to breed disappointment, which in turn breeds despair and dejection. The same reasons made me lose faith in God, not having hopes, simply living day after day.
I have to apologize for having to paint you such as awful picture that I have conjured from experience, but at the same time, I do hope to hear your views, what you think and feel about my "painting", and what humanity taught you. Although I always love to argue, do not be mistaken, i love to argue because i love to learn, and arguing is a process, a learning process. And winning an argument itself is not the art of argument itself, neither is winning the meaningful ends of an argument, but it is the process of arguing - which i ideally want it to be loving and wise and intelligent, {that serves as the crux, which gives meaning to the act of arguing. Only then, can an argument be truly meaningful, scholarly, and teaching}
Wishing you a wonderful weekend,
Richard
*the words in {} were added to complete the sentence that I had carelessly omitted in my email addressed to my friend.
remotely] selfless; is always selfish.
People do things for a reason, things happen for reason, and the actions of people speaks of their selfishness despite what they say - politicians are extremely guilty of this i daringly assume. The rest of us are more or less the same, of course that includes me. That in turn reminded me of my ex-girlfriend, my past failed relationships that ended without even having anything started despite all my good intents. They all ended in same way, in their final deliverance was to send me a very vengeful sentence, that I have never forgotten, that have never failed to hurt me deeply. This led me to believe that people who seek romance, are actually, really, often unconsciously, looking for dependency. Once found, they remain in parasitism to the host, and if the latter prove to be an unsuitable find, they leave [this applies to men and women alike].
I came to this conclusion some years ago, when I had consecutive failures in many relationships, romance and friendships...after being in years long of depression, I completely lost faith and hope in all things..for hope only seems to breed disappointment, which in turn breeds despair and dejection. The same reasons made me lose faith in God, not having hopes, simply living day after day.
I have to apologize for having to paint you such as awful picture that I have conjured from experience, but at the same time, I do hope to hear your views, what you think and feel about my "painting", and what humanity taught you. Although I always love to argue, do not be mistaken, i love to argue because i love to learn, and arguing is a process, a learning process. And winning an argument itself is not the art of argument itself, neither is winning the meaningful ends of an argument, but it is the process of arguing - which i ideally want it to be loving and wise and intelligent, {that serves as the crux, which gives meaning to the act of arguing. Only then, can an argument be truly meaningful, scholarly, and teaching}
Wishing you a wonderful weekend,
Richard
*the words in {} were added to complete the sentence that I had carelessly omitted in my email addressed to my friend.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
A tiring day
Since morning, the surroundings were chilly, unlike what others would normally feel. Buried, I hardly moved about from where I was seated, except for occasional toilet break, a washup, lunch...if not my eyes would be busying with their own work.
Not like there has been more work to be done compared to the past days, only that I had picked up a little more pace, since I was well behind the times. I see that I was always lagging behind, somehow, and there is always something that needs to be done or improved because I didn't do or didn't do as good. Most of my daylight hours today were spend like this, and when I was finally done, it was already nightfall. Despite the late hours, and leaving much later than usual, the streets were just as crowded, if not, even more as the sun had already went to other parts of the earth.
Food didnt taste good, my breathing was heavier than usual, my headaches were pretty bad with each step taken, even music didnt move me a bit. Walking almost blankly, I took little interest of what went on around me. After what that seemed a struggle, I was finally home.
The computer games didnt interest me a bit either, the mailbox was almost empty, save a few unimportant mails - one informing me my book is still yet to be seen, the other asking for volunteers for a trip, and a junk mail. As I speak, my head weighed an earth, nauseous, and the eyes are terribly exhausted after a long day; I was anything but sleepy. Hopefully, tonight would not be a night of pills and fumbling and tossing, but in nocturnal bliss of wonderful sleep.
My work has yet to be completed though, and today's work was a little tougher than usual. Much help would be needed to do them well, and hopefully they [help] are near. Perhaps my mood and even life would be totally different in near future, and though as much as I can't wait for them, I dread the recoil that follows. All I hope is that I be able to fulfill my obligations, day after day.
Not like there has been more work to be done compared to the past days, only that I had picked up a little more pace, since I was well behind the times. I see that I was always lagging behind, somehow, and there is always something that needs to be done or improved because I didn't do or didn't do as good. Most of my daylight hours today were spend like this, and when I was finally done, it was already nightfall. Despite the late hours, and leaving much later than usual, the streets were just as crowded, if not, even more as the sun had already went to other parts of the earth.
Food didnt taste good, my breathing was heavier than usual, my headaches were pretty bad with each step taken, even music didnt move me a bit. Walking almost blankly, I took little interest of what went on around me. After what that seemed a struggle, I was finally home.
The computer games didnt interest me a bit either, the mailbox was almost empty, save a few unimportant mails - one informing me my book is still yet to be seen, the other asking for volunteers for a trip, and a junk mail. As I speak, my head weighed an earth, nauseous, and the eyes are terribly exhausted after a long day; I was anything but sleepy. Hopefully, tonight would not be a night of pills and fumbling and tossing, but in nocturnal bliss of wonderful sleep.
My work has yet to be completed though, and today's work was a little tougher than usual. Much help would be needed to do them well, and hopefully they [help] are near. Perhaps my mood and even life would be totally different in near future, and though as much as I can't wait for them, I dread the recoil that follows. All I hope is that I be able to fulfill my obligations, day after day.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Monday, May 10, 2004
Day gone to waste
Today was supposed to be just like any other day - going to the library, staying there for some hours for my revisions, then a late lunch, and my well-deserved afternoon nap, and what happened today was none of those.
Not like there is any good that happened that disrupted my routine, but another sleepless night, literally. It was either too cold with the air-conditioning, or too warm without. Lying on my back, my eyes were still full of life, and almost as tireless as i speak. I heard the sound coming from the air-con, my heart beats, and silence. Despite the peaceful settings, my mind was everywhere, thinking about my future education, the college I'm gonna choose, my parents, romance, my grades, God, my friends etc...they just went on and on. Ironically, just an hour before i actually hit the pillow, I already took my sleeping pills, something that I rarely take now, and remained wide awake through the night. I was fumbling, and tossing, and thinking, pondering, listening to my surroundings...then I heard my parents have already gotten up and were about to head to work. It was already past 4am.
Even after my parents left, an hour after they got up, I was still tossing about - and if i were to calculate, i had been tossing for the past 4 to 5 hours.
By sometime around ten in the morning, i was anything sleepy yet I was neither awake. My mind seem to be shrouded by something, or a smokescreen. Neither thinking, nor lazing, nothing I do seem to go right. In a way I was intoxicated, or deprived, the mind was seemingly soaked with mild alcohol, but not feeling drunk.
Even as i speak, I still haven't slept since 32 hours ago. Looking out, the sky is grim, air is still, not cold, not warm, peaceful but melancholic. Not many hours later, I'll be meeting some of my old, long-time friends, and logically, I should either be excited, looking forward, bouncy, or even bubbly...I'm only feeling a little more than a corpse.
Hopefully, after dinner, things would change. Even if my mood or what i'm feeling won't change, I'm getting back to my revisions, which i ought to commit at least some 3 hours to. And that could mean another thing...another sleepless night, which is the last thing i want.
Not like there is any good that happened that disrupted my routine, but another sleepless night, literally. It was either too cold with the air-conditioning, or too warm without. Lying on my back, my eyes were still full of life, and almost as tireless as i speak. I heard the sound coming from the air-con, my heart beats, and silence. Despite the peaceful settings, my mind was everywhere, thinking about my future education, the college I'm gonna choose, my parents, romance, my grades, God, my friends etc...they just went on and on. Ironically, just an hour before i actually hit the pillow, I already took my sleeping pills, something that I rarely take now, and remained wide awake through the night. I was fumbling, and tossing, and thinking, pondering, listening to my surroundings...then I heard my parents have already gotten up and were about to head to work. It was already past 4am.
Even after my parents left, an hour after they got up, I was still tossing about - and if i were to calculate, i had been tossing for the past 4 to 5 hours.
By sometime around ten in the morning, i was anything sleepy yet I was neither awake. My mind seem to be shrouded by something, or a smokescreen. Neither thinking, nor lazing, nothing I do seem to go right. In a way I was intoxicated, or deprived, the mind was seemingly soaked with mild alcohol, but not feeling drunk.
Even as i speak, I still haven't slept since 32 hours ago. Looking out, the sky is grim, air is still, not cold, not warm, peaceful but melancholic. Not many hours later, I'll be meeting some of my old, long-time friends, and logically, I should either be excited, looking forward, bouncy, or even bubbly...I'm only feeling a little more than a corpse.
Hopefully, after dinner, things would change. Even if my mood or what i'm feeling won't change, I'm getting back to my revisions, which i ought to commit at least some 3 hours to. And that could mean another thing...another sleepless night, which is the last thing i want.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
"Flights of the mind"
"...overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with grain is now against - you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves it own reality..."
-Kay Redfield Jamison in "An Unquiet Mind"
-Kay Redfield Jamison in "An Unquiet Mind"
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Quote of the Day
"To be sure...I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk, too, before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt, too, God knows how well within my skin. Yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds."
-Hugo Wolf
-Hugo Wolf
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Fear
I was reading through one of my friend's blog regarding the feeling of love and being loved...while I have to admit I surely don't have much experience to speak of this, especially of romantic love.
In a way, I can be said to be a coward as far as romance is concerned - consecutive failures certainly doesn't warrant total submission and giving up. While I agree on that, that I shouldn't be giving up despite the failures. In my previous post, I had quoted about "fear"...and not too long after I first heard that line, I heard the follow up from a different source, that "courage is NOT is absence of fear, but despite it [fear]" So the two lines bend into each other. These lines are regularly recited in my head, to remind myself to move on despite my fear. However, there are just times that fear isn't the only thing that is incapicitating, it is the consequence or the probable consequence of an action or decision.
From my last, failed, relationship, I came to understand that even mutual affection does not warrant couplehood. Couplehood is a lot of committment, which implies unimaginable output of time, energy, efforts, rejection, and even money and sanity. While we [me and my ex] had much similarities, there were critical differences, especially our attitudes toward life. For a long time I just couldn't reconcile with that breakup, even though i obviously knew nothing was going to work out. Then I understood, at least at a personal level, couplehood is beyond mutual/reciprocal affections - a lot of other things are involved.
So there was this person whom I had been carrying a torch for since a long time, but never wanted to do anything about because the odds are laid before my eyes. Besides, there are far too many things waiting for me to do, and I do hope that by doing nothing [about my crush] is the best thing I can do for both of us. Same thing applies at least in short future.
Another reason I'm not moving on is tied to my lack of faith in people...i believe that "humans are by nature, good...and also evil - a blend of extremes", and given the social circumstances, monetary gains, profit seem to be a strong driving force in our predominantly capitalist/elitist society, "profit motive" looms. Besides, potential mates within my age group are considered young, prime, thus have a lot of time at their disposal to choose the best bargains amid their suitors. Even should this entire paragraph should prove to be crap at its best, what i had shared earlier still hold, unless i've graduated or strike rich overnight. Heh.
Yet, seeing so many failed relationships, the saddest part is due to the lack of communication, moment of spite, out of hate, out of self-centered notions...
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but moving on despite it [fear]"
-forgotten
In a way, I can be said to be a coward as far as romance is concerned - consecutive failures certainly doesn't warrant total submission and giving up. While I agree on that, that I shouldn't be giving up despite the failures. In my previous post, I had quoted about "fear"...and not too long after I first heard that line, I heard the follow up from a different source, that "courage is NOT is absence of fear, but despite it [fear]" So the two lines bend into each other. These lines are regularly recited in my head, to remind myself to move on despite my fear. However, there are just times that fear isn't the only thing that is incapicitating, it is the consequence or the probable consequence of an action or decision.
From my last, failed, relationship, I came to understand that even mutual affection does not warrant couplehood. Couplehood is a lot of committment, which implies unimaginable output of time, energy, efforts, rejection, and even money and sanity. While we [me and my ex] had much similarities, there were critical differences, especially our attitudes toward life. For a long time I just couldn't reconcile with that breakup, even though i obviously knew nothing was going to work out. Then I understood, at least at a personal level, couplehood is beyond mutual/reciprocal affections - a lot of other things are involved.
So there was this person whom I had been carrying a torch for since a long time, but never wanted to do anything about because the odds are laid before my eyes. Besides, there are far too many things waiting for me to do, and I do hope that by doing nothing [about my crush] is the best thing I can do for both of us. Same thing applies at least in short future.
Another reason I'm not moving on is tied to my lack of faith in people...i believe that "humans are by nature, good...and also evil - a blend of extremes", and given the social circumstances, monetary gains, profit seem to be a strong driving force in our predominantly capitalist/elitist society, "profit motive" looms. Besides, potential mates within my age group are considered young, prime, thus have a lot of time at their disposal to choose the best bargains amid their suitors. Even should this entire paragraph should prove to be crap at its best, what i had shared earlier still hold, unless i've graduated or strike rich overnight. Heh.
Yet, seeing so many failed relationships, the saddest part is due to the lack of communication, moment of spite, out of hate, out of self-centered notions...
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but moving on despite it [fear]"
-forgotten
Friday, April 30, 2004
The Revival
It's been a hell long time since I've written, about the things that have happened to me, to read what i read just to keep in touch with myself. While the last phrase sounds a little strange, to keep in touch with self, i understand that i do lose touch with myself sometimes. It was a testimonial written about me that set me thinking all these time.
He is a great friend of mine whom I have not seen for sometime, so I was someone who was full of confidence, zeal, and a lot of drive. After graduation from high school, I entered into a period that I would call the "Philsophical Revival". A lot of things happened during this period, a lot of serious happenings, and perhaps so much that i can't remember all of them. "Revival" because this long period that reconditioned me, emerging into someone very different when i was high school "philosophically. I began to understand and reconcile with many difficult truths, handle myself better, set reasonable standards for myself and the people around me, my expectations, my values, my principles, my perception of life...with the grace of God.
The ironic part is that i dont feel good going for Mass, not anymore. Somehow, whenever I see the church, the peace and serenity does keeps me comforted, sedated or spiritualized; it's the people that I cant really stand. Some people dress sloppily even on Sundays, some boasted about how much work they did in church, [in choir] some would try to project their voices differently deharmonizing our voice projection, lectors at best attempted to speak like Queen Elizabeth, some women wear so little, some preach and do the opposite, the list goes on. What then is the purpose of religion? How then to remain spiritual amid these nonsense?
Another crucial part is that, of the elements "faith, hope, and love", I've nothing of the first two - faith and hope. For long time I've lost faith in many things, in myself especially during the Philosophical Revival, in other people. I dont ask for things from God, not anymore, except His Divine Mercy when i most needed it, which is the only thing i pray for - sometimes. In my sociology textbook, religion is a social instituition and its existence is [believed] due to the "humans' propensity to hope. My dad still hopes that his business would improve, my friends generally hope to find a good matey, my fish hopes to recover from his fungal infection soon; i dont know what to hope for, for things would always fall short of expectations. (From a religious point of view, every outcome is the best due to circumstances on the assumption that the divine is good. Now that i'm saying this, I hope to be reminded of this statement)
So when I dont hope in God, naturally, I dont have faith in Him, or at least, not enough of it.
As for "love", I believe I hardly have it too, especially what that had happened before, but i'm working on it. In this context, i'm referring to the term "love" generically, not just romantic love. To have love, one must learn to give it.... and I would say that "love breeds love; hate feeds on itself". On a personal level, during the initial period of the Revival, I was learning to love, meaning to learn to give it, then coming a loving person. Previously, I was more mercenary and largely self-centered, and only after a considerably long period of time, I managed to convince myself that its not making me happy. I was deeply saddened by each lonely day and night, with no one to talk to, whom no one understands or willing to offer a ear [while at that point, i never liked sharing/talking to people]. Realizing this conflict of interest, the re-learning process starts, just as a kid would be taught to be nice, to be polite, to be courteous, to be helpful, to be obedient etc. And the long ride ahead remains... ...
"Fear. We all have fear..."
-Lieutenant Spears, Band of Brothers
He is a great friend of mine whom I have not seen for sometime, so I was someone who was full of confidence, zeal, and a lot of drive. After graduation from high school, I entered into a period that I would call the "Philsophical Revival". A lot of things happened during this period, a lot of serious happenings, and perhaps so much that i can't remember all of them. "Revival" because this long period that reconditioned me, emerging into someone very different when i was high school "philosophically. I began to understand and reconcile with many difficult truths, handle myself better, set reasonable standards for myself and the people around me, my expectations, my values, my principles, my perception of life...with the grace of God.
The ironic part is that i dont feel good going for Mass, not anymore. Somehow, whenever I see the church, the peace and serenity does keeps me comforted, sedated or spiritualized; it's the people that I cant really stand. Some people dress sloppily even on Sundays, some boasted about how much work they did in church, [in choir] some would try to project their voices differently deharmonizing our voice projection, lectors at best attempted to speak like Queen Elizabeth, some women wear so little, some preach and do the opposite, the list goes on. What then is the purpose of religion? How then to remain spiritual amid these nonsense?
Another crucial part is that, of the elements "faith, hope, and love", I've nothing of the first two - faith and hope. For long time I've lost faith in many things, in myself especially during the Philosophical Revival, in other people. I dont ask for things from God, not anymore, except His Divine Mercy when i most needed it, which is the only thing i pray for - sometimes. In my sociology textbook, religion is a social instituition and its existence is [believed] due to the "humans' propensity to hope. My dad still hopes that his business would improve, my friends generally hope to find a good matey, my fish hopes to recover from his fungal infection soon; i dont know what to hope for, for things would always fall short of expectations. (From a religious point of view, every outcome is the best due to circumstances on the assumption that the divine is good. Now that i'm saying this, I hope to be reminded of this statement)
So when I dont hope in God, naturally, I dont have faith in Him, or at least, not enough of it.
As for "love", I believe I hardly have it too, especially what that had happened before, but i'm working on it. In this context, i'm referring to the term "love" generically, not just romantic love. To have love, one must learn to give it.... and I would say that "love breeds love; hate feeds on itself". On a personal level, during the initial period of the Revival, I was learning to love, meaning to learn to give it, then coming a loving person. Previously, I was more mercenary and largely self-centered, and only after a considerably long period of time, I managed to convince myself that its not making me happy. I was deeply saddened by each lonely day and night, with no one to talk to, whom no one understands or willing to offer a ear [while at that point, i never liked sharing/talking to people]. Realizing this conflict of interest, the re-learning process starts, just as a kid would be taught to be nice, to be polite, to be courteous, to be helpful, to be obedient etc. And the long ride ahead remains... ...
"Fear. We all have fear..."
-Lieutenant Spears, Band of Brothers
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