ok, today was both a good and a bad day.

meet a close friend for some drinks, a ride to bukit timah, and a lot of chat in between. talked about physics, his girlfriend problem - torn between his girlfriend and his crush, an old crush. We talked physics, my problems, about communication and a lot others I can't remember. I was reminded that, despite all my emphasis on making communication - verbal, nonverbal - I still suck at it, really bad too. Unlike him, i dont have a girlfriend, much less know how a girl would think, things a girl want to hear...as he put it, i'm a typical male. Perhaps he's being kind by saying *typical, i said *alpha would probably describe me better.

After saying that, I did realize how insensitive I am, how much of a sonuvabitch I am, and the irony is that I chose to this way quite sometime after my failed relationship years ago. Little wonder girls are rarely impressed by me, as I suppose I pissed them off before I could even give them any good impression. Sadly, it seems like what happened later in the day did reinforce that presumption, that I'm a sonuvabitch at communications. And I have my very own words to offer myself, "Richard, this is where intentions and actions/words don't agree".

When I was really really young, already I started having crushes, and back then my dad caused a lot of anguish to my mum with this "alpha" behavior. So I kinda made a promise to myself that I would try be nice to every girl, woman whom I would get to know later in life. Sadly, I can't keep my promise, it seems. Perhaps, superstitiously speaking, god is keeping as many women away from me possible so that i may not hurt them. Okay, it's a sick joke i just played on myself.

Now let me be candid and unfunny about this. I can say I did try my best - I did in the last relationship, I did did my best for my past dates but....aggh.

Everyday I'm always at a loss of what to do, considering the amount of time I spend thinking through things, I must be quite a failure at problem solving, including physics. When my doc first said my intelligence was brillant, I genuinely thought he was only trying to be nice about it, he retorted saying that I should learn to accept praises. And so I did work on that, and not be so cynical and skeptical of things. Recently, I guess, again, it's better to live in pessimism.

Thinking about relationship handling, esp with women, I think I keep making dumb mistakes, screwing things up, screwing myself in the end. It's time I try to make an effort not think too much into things.

Looking into my recently set-up aquarium..........oh no, it's a mess...