Today has indeed been a very humbling day for myself. It sounds like a bad day, but it really isn't - and I'm very very glad that I don't feel that way at all. In fact, it was earlier today, I saw a big gaping hole in myself, a hole so big yet myself couldn't see.
Since young, I've always thought that I had been very smart, and especially when I talked about how I was able to make quick cash from opportunities such as trading of collectibles - phone cards, stamps, selling jerseys, expensive oakleys, and how much I made from them. Though I didn't see for myself, I can imagine my eyes glowing with glee and smiling really broadly as I boast about how good I was.
My biggest flaw is that I'm a little smart. Because of this, arrogance had blinded myself from seeing my own mistakes, becoming a better person, "being more human". And today, an accidental revelation made myself see how self-centered, ego-centric, chauvinistic, narrow-minded, and how "small" my heart is.
Bryan, an old friend of mine, whom I thought needed some advice on management of his own finances. So I introduced him to meet Forrest, a very successful business consultant who's also a friend of mine. Before they met, I had briefly shared with Forrest about Bryan. And so when they met, she spoke with such fervor and sincerity, and most importantly she was authentic, genuine. When I asked her after Bryan had left, how she was able to speak so well and so genuinely, her answer was that she really wanted to help him.
There, I was left with my mouth opened, figuratively speaking; feeling ashamed of myself, deeply. There, Forrest was helping him by allowing him to understand how a different approach to a financial problem can have other solutions. And here, I was thinking "oh boy, this guy really needs some help, man", wanting to make him change the way he thinks.
Note the difference.
Obviously, I thought I was the smart guy, I am the intelligent one, they should listen, they should change...how arrogant I was! I had been behaving like Hitler, wanting to change and manipulate, and saw that by doing that, "I am helping these people!"
It was today I understand why I have been so unsuccessful with people, and why I have been so unpopular relative to my peers. Not only I was arrogant, I have been very "small" in my thinking. In mandarin, it would literally translate to that "my heart has been very small, not big enough". As a person, I'm very stingy, a scrooge, ego-centric, and ungenerous.
Well, I'm glad and very thankful that I'm able to see myself as such today, and convinced that it is because of what I have been, I haven't been popular, and successful. Thanking and praising God, for today is such a blessing, that may I be able to achieve greater heights as a person, an entrepreneur, and a man of God. Amen.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Flux
Hi Folks,
Longest time since I was last here, and I wonder how many readers I've still got.
If you've been reading, checking once in a while, here I would like to take this opportunity to thank you guys for checking me out, see how I was doing.
So if you have been, you'd know that I had been unwell - very very very unwell for the past months. Clunks and clunks of misfortune came one after another, and I couldn't handle it, I couldn't manage it.
Fortunately enough, I somehow found some breath, some motivation within to fight back - and I did. Thinking back, you guys would have known me as someone who'd been down again and again, depression after depression, each one getting worse than the one before. However, time and time again, I emerged victorious! Yeah, I'm happy about it! From the way I see it, these waves just don't seem to give and keep getting at me - but...no longer would I sink into despair. Again, I want to thank all my friends who have given, shown me support, cared and prayed for me during the bad times, and I also want to tell you guys that I'm going down no more. :)
Ahead of me, the road's split into many many ways, some look like traps, some look like the highway, some look like a detour...none of these paths look easy. From here, it's a very difficult climb even right from the start, but looking ahead, I know something good awaits. It feels great, fantasic, and I'm even jubliant to be on the road again.
The road I take is a road less traveled
The company of the old have chosen, left, and went
We had came a long way and alas we have to part
"Here I come!" as I said to myself
Step after step is the plan I have
Yard after yard is the road I see
Left, are minds of yesterday
Abandoned, what I have today
Seeking the promising paradise of tomorrow
Longest time since I was last here, and I wonder how many readers I've still got.
If you've been reading, checking once in a while, here I would like to take this opportunity to thank you guys for checking me out, see how I was doing.
So if you have been, you'd know that I had been unwell - very very very unwell for the past months. Clunks and clunks of misfortune came one after another, and I couldn't handle it, I couldn't manage it.
Fortunately enough, I somehow found some breath, some motivation within to fight back - and I did. Thinking back, you guys would have known me as someone who'd been down again and again, depression after depression, each one getting worse than the one before. However, time and time again, I emerged victorious! Yeah, I'm happy about it! From the way I see it, these waves just don't seem to give and keep getting at me - but...no longer would I sink into despair. Again, I want to thank all my friends who have given, shown me support, cared and prayed for me during the bad times, and I also want to tell you guys that I'm going down no more. :)
Ahead of me, the road's split into many many ways, some look like traps, some look like the highway, some look like a detour...none of these paths look easy. From here, it's a very difficult climb even right from the start, but looking ahead, I know something good awaits. It feels great, fantasic, and I'm even jubliant to be on the road again.
The road I take is a road less traveled
The company of the old have chosen, left, and went
We had came a long way and alas we have to part
"Here I come!" as I said to myself
Step after step is the plan I have
Yard after yard is the road I see
Left, are minds of yesterday
Abandoned, what I have today
Seeking the promising paradise of tomorrow
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Lost Meaning
When I had first got myself this job, I told myself to find meaning to it, so that it wouldn't bother me even if the going gets tough, or unfair. Idealistic still, the job was meant, at least for me, to be a gateway to find my hidden self, as well as to find my future self. And another one, was to find the reason why I had chosen this path in the first place.
At the first steps, almost everytime before I step into my workplace, I had to remind myself of my middle name - whose name I had yet to live up to; though yet at the same time, my first name is slowly losing its meaning for me. There were some initial success, albeit with many mis-turns and mis-moves. A new chance apparently revealed itself and it was bittersweet at best. During those best days, I could almost see myself transforming, becoming "a better person", but only to find myself retrograding to someone far worse than I had first began.
As I speak, those meanings appeared to have lost, and even seem ridiculous. And I'm now doubting myself if I had made the right decision right from the start. Nonetheless, I can no longer reverse the time, but find a way back to where I had wanted to go, without giving myself a moment to doubt. This is probably the best way now.
At the first steps, almost everytime before I step into my workplace, I had to remind myself of my middle name - whose name I had yet to live up to; though yet at the same time, my first name is slowly losing its meaning for me. There were some initial success, albeit with many mis-turns and mis-moves. A new chance apparently revealed itself and it was bittersweet at best. During those best days, I could almost see myself transforming, becoming "a better person", but only to find myself retrograding to someone far worse than I had first began.
As I speak, those meanings appeared to have lost, and even seem ridiculous. And I'm now doubting myself if I had made the right decision right from the start. Nonetheless, I can no longer reverse the time, but find a way back to where I had wanted to go, without giving myself a moment to doubt. This is probably the best way now.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Stranded
Nothing new. Stranded, that's how I feel these recent weeks. The worst is over most probably; looking at what i wrote in my last entry i thought, "Woah, I must be pretty banged up that night!" Certainly. Today, it's a lot better - sober, hungry (waiting for dinner to start), a little lonely, but everything's okay now.
Come think of it, things may not be so bad, after all, since like I would always say "i'm used to it" - i probably am, what could get any worst? Single or no, things won't change very much, I would eat just as much, laze just as much, gettin' nothin' done (hope not). Let's see if I can get something started after dinner.
Though it's been like a month already, it's not, it feels like i'm probably over it already - almost. Things are finally going back to normal. I don't think about her as much anymore, i feel better, less dependent on her (sort of), my legs feel stronger now - metaphorically speaking. What I can't deny is that there are still residual feelings, hopes for things that may/may not happen. I watched three movies today, in succession, on cable. Nothing impressive, except for one, perhaps, by Robert de Niro. Amazing, he looked vaguely like Keanu Reeves when he was young. Can't imagine him today doing the same role again. Well, the ending was de Niro got together with the one he loved; bad news was, himself and his lover were married, not to each other. Not to say that I was feelin' all mad with the idea of affairs, but because the married didn't seem to try to make any effort to improve on their own marriages.
This critique sounded as if it was directed to my own. Yes it was. I'm not married, but what struck me was the dumb'ol question of "what is love?" and "what is love, to other people, to her?" Have we already accept Hollywood's definition, and all it is about, is attraction, passion, romance, sex, and is there nothing else? If the world agrees with that, then I guess i'm the only daydreamer left in the reality.
Come think of it, things may not be so bad, after all, since like I would always say "i'm used to it" - i probably am, what could get any worst? Single or no, things won't change very much, I would eat just as much, laze just as much, gettin' nothin' done (hope not). Let's see if I can get something started after dinner.
Though it's been like a month already, it's not, it feels like i'm probably over it already - almost. Things are finally going back to normal. I don't think about her as much anymore, i feel better, less dependent on her (sort of), my legs feel stronger now - metaphorically speaking. What I can't deny is that there are still residual feelings, hopes for things that may/may not happen. I watched three movies today, in succession, on cable. Nothing impressive, except for one, perhaps, by Robert de Niro. Amazing, he looked vaguely like Keanu Reeves when he was young. Can't imagine him today doing the same role again. Well, the ending was de Niro got together with the one he loved; bad news was, himself and his lover were married, not to each other. Not to say that I was feelin' all mad with the idea of affairs, but because the married didn't seem to try to make any effort to improve on their own marriages.
This critique sounded as if it was directed to my own. Yes it was. I'm not married, but what struck me was the dumb'ol question of "what is love?" and "what is love, to other people, to her?" Have we already accept Hollywood's definition, and all it is about, is attraction, passion, romance, sex, and is there nothing else? If the world agrees with that, then I guess i'm the only daydreamer left in the reality.
Friday, January 05, 2007
The old days are back
Yeah, and it is. Just like the old times, the good, the bad...they're coming back. Come to think of it, not too long ago, maybe a year, or a little more, I've sworn not to drink again, with celebrations as an exception...i'm drinking now as i speak. Ok, I haven't drank a lot, yet. Looking at my glass, just a bit more to go.
Needless to guess, i'm drinking for all the same o' reasons again. Though this time, i didn't drink because i'm being dumped, but just before i'm gonna get left in the ditch. Thank God I haven't went too far on this wrong path I had foolishly undertaken...and for my dad's cognac. Tastes pretty good too - it's been a long time since I had a drop. That reminds me, I still have some tequila my friend left at my place - it's ok, i'll buy some rum to replace it. Haha.
Well, there's no new story. I fell, yeah, I fell...no big deal. Again, nothing new, "I thought she's gonna be different" - and like you've already guessed, yeah, she's just another one - leaver, quitter, escapist, whatever. One minute she's there, make you feel like you're the only one for her, send you up into the moons, tell ya that you're the only one for her...make one more step further, she says "i'm busy", "i need some time", "i don't know"...call her, sms some more, she leaves you thinking that either her phone account's outta the credit limit, or she'd turned off the phone, or she simply is too busy to return the message. Yeah right, too busy for even a minute to hit the reply button. Nice cognac by the way, thanks dad~
Women always have something to bitch about men, and why is it that the reverse isn't as well received? Women can say they've met the wrong guy, cries about how they had deserved better, elicit sympathy, and even love. Imagine, if I were to bitch about the bitches I'd met, think I'll get some sympathy, it'd be extremely fortunate if that baldie next to me doesn't put his beer bottle into my head. *Takes another shot. Nice.
Yet....the sad thing is...how can I, fuck care about the others, stop myself from falling into this illusion-of-romance-pittrap over and over again? Can any fucking thing be done to stop this nonsense? Ya know, I'm consoled to know that i'm not alone in this. Guess what? A couple of nights ago I was like what I am now, depressed, want to get real fuckin' drunk, instead, I chatted with someone online. Know what happened? Apparently it was a 'she', and she told me "...meet a few more bitches, and you'll know not to fall in love again". As I speak, I can't believe she said that. Even a 'she' said this herself. Hah, I don't know what to make out of it. Geez, i'm getting really drunk. Guess i'm outta here. Tata.
A drunk bastard
Needless to guess, i'm drinking for all the same o' reasons again. Though this time, i didn't drink because i'm being dumped, but just before i'm gonna get left in the ditch. Thank God I haven't went too far on this wrong path I had foolishly undertaken...and for my dad's cognac. Tastes pretty good too - it's been a long time since I had a drop. That reminds me, I still have some tequila my friend left at my place - it's ok, i'll buy some rum to replace it. Haha.
Well, there's no new story. I fell, yeah, I fell...no big deal. Again, nothing new, "I thought she's gonna be different" - and like you've already guessed, yeah, she's just another one - leaver, quitter, escapist, whatever. One minute she's there, make you feel like you're the only one for her, send you up into the moons, tell ya that you're the only one for her...make one more step further, she says "i'm busy", "i need some time", "i don't know"...call her, sms some more, she leaves you thinking that either her phone account's outta the credit limit, or she'd turned off the phone, or she simply is too busy to return the message. Yeah right, too busy for even a minute to hit the reply button. Nice cognac by the way, thanks dad~
Women always have something to bitch about men, and why is it that the reverse isn't as well received? Women can say they've met the wrong guy, cries about how they had deserved better, elicit sympathy, and even love. Imagine, if I were to bitch about the bitches I'd met, think I'll get some sympathy, it'd be extremely fortunate if that baldie next to me doesn't put his beer bottle into my head. *Takes another shot. Nice.
Yet....the sad thing is...how can I, fuck care about the others, stop myself from falling into this illusion-of-romance-pittrap over and over again? Can any fucking thing be done to stop this nonsense? Ya know, I'm consoled to know that i'm not alone in this. Guess what? A couple of nights ago I was like what I am now, depressed, want to get real fuckin' drunk, instead, I chatted with someone online. Know what happened? Apparently it was a 'she', and she told me "...meet a few more bitches, and you'll know not to fall in love again". As I speak, I can't believe she said that. Even a 'she' said this herself. Hah, I don't know what to make out of it. Geez, i'm getting really drunk. Guess i'm outta here. Tata.
A drunk bastard
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