Another dreary day

If there are days when one feels the most uncreative, most tiring and highly unproductive...today is just like that for me.

Essentially you can guess how my day passed me by today by my opening sentence. I've always tried to imagine how other feel perceive things, live their day, carry their conversations, do their work, fulfill their committment day after day by imagining that I were them. Always, I've thought other people are much more intelligent, much more hardworking, more invulnerable than I do...everyone is always looking toward something, full of energy, at least that's how I perceive it although subconsciously I'm not quite right about that.

I always tell myself that there is always something waiting for me to do, and in truth, there ARE always many things waiting to be done, but only on occasions do i really put my heart into my obligations. From my actions, they tell me that I am really lazy and unmotivated, and I'm always saddened by that. Yet, I still do little about it. However, just to make myself feel better, I have made very modest progress though, despite what i always tell myself. At least I'm able to study longer hours at home, spend more time on books, reading, enriching myself...even though I'm always convinced that I'm a lazy bum despite what others think.

I read a blog from a friend of mine, a long time friend whom I've never seen, whom I have avoided, in a way, not because we don't get along but because I couldn't stand being in the group we were in. Just sometime before I left that group, I was convinced that most of the people in the group didn't like me, and I didn't feel welcomed either. Partly owing to the fact that I rarely talk a lot in a group, and that I prefer to listen, and also due to my lack of wits, people rarely talk to be. And I wouldn't be surprised if people find me aloof or elusive. Remembering what I had used to read, being rejected obviously tell me that I am different, good or bad. When I was younger, I already saw that my fate is never gonna change, and today, that prediction is still true.

This friend of mine mentioned that despite what that was going on around him, despite the misfortunes, he remained happy, because he was able to see God in those things, and in hardships, to Christians, they should see it as a test, so that their faith may grow stronger. I don't disagree, not at all, but I lamented to myself that I am not able to do the same - to see God. I used to think this way, and it used to give me hope. Only that I was disappointed when things just got progressively tougher. Eventually I gave up hope, I no longer dare hope for anything but prayed occasionally that He may have mercy on me and not let things overwhelm me. Since God has things all planned out for us all, believers non-believers alike, it is assumed that it is for the good of all. So I had also gave up asking God for things. Not a good attitude I would say, but I wouldn't know what's gonna pick me up either.

Previously, I had made many attempts to change myself, expended lots of energy, only to find such an attempt a waste of time...after all, being myself, being what I am, is relatively easier than forcing change, although just being myself is by no means easy. I assume nothing is ever easy. Later, I was also convinced that not just me, everyone has their share of problems despite what they are. Said by some philosopher, change exchanges only they current set of problems for another, and makes little difference. In the end, one might be better off before making that change. The cycle of pain, trouble etc never end, to avoid pain is to avoid life, to avoid life, is only a waste of time; escapism, that is.

At least I am still holding onto myself, to "live life to the fullest" and try to do and fulfill whatever is within my ability, each day, and pushing the limits a little each day. That I guess, would succinct, for now at the very least.