Lost Meaning

When I had first got myself this job, I told myself to find meaning to it, so that it wouldn't bother me even if the going gets tough, or unfair. Idealistic still, the job was meant, at least for me, to be a gateway to find my hidden self, as well as to find my future self. And another one, was to find the reason why I had chosen this path in the first place.

At the first steps, almost everytime before I step into my workplace, I had to remind myself of my middle name - whose name I had yet to live up to; though yet at the same time, my first name is slowly losing its meaning for me. There were some initial success, albeit with many mis-turns and mis-moves. A new chance apparently revealed itself and it was bittersweet at best. During those best days, I could almost see myself transforming, becoming "a better person", but only to find myself retrograding to someone far worse than I had first began.

As I speak, those meanings appeared to have lost, and even seem ridiculous. And I'm now doubting myself if I had made the right decision right from the start. Nonetheless, I can no longer reverse the time, but find a way back to where I had wanted to go, without giving myself a moment to doubt. This is probably the best way now.

Stranded

Nothing new. Stranded, that's how I feel these recent weeks. The worst is over most probably; looking at what i wrote in my last entry i thought, "Woah, I must be pretty banged up that night!" Certainly. Today, it's a lot better - sober, hungry (waiting for dinner to start), a little lonely, but everything's okay now.

Come think of it, things may not be so bad, after all, since like I would always say "i'm used to it" - i probably am, what could get any worst? Single or no, things won't change very much, I would eat just as much, laze just as much, gettin' nothin' done (hope not). Let's see if I can get something started after dinner.

Though it's been like a month already, it's not, it feels like i'm probably over it already - almost. Things are finally going back to normal. I don't think about her as much anymore, i feel better, less dependent on her (sort of), my legs feel stronger now - metaphorically speaking. What I can't deny is that there are still residual feelings, hopes for things that may/may not happen. I watched three movies today, in succession, on cable. Nothing impressive, except for one, perhaps, by Robert de Niro. Amazing, he looked vaguely like Keanu Reeves when he was young. Can't imagine him today doing the same role again. Well, the ending was de Niro got together with the one he loved; bad news was, himself and his lover were married, not to each other. Not to say that I was feelin' all mad with the idea of affairs, but because the married didn't seem to try to make any effort to improve on their own marriages.

This critique sounded as if it was directed to my own. Yes it was. I'm not married, but what struck me was the dumb'ol question of "what is love?" and "what is love, to other people, to her?" Have we already accept Hollywood's definition, and all it is about, is attraction, passion, romance, sex, and is there nothing else? If the world agrees with that, then I guess i'm the only daydreamer left in the reality.

The old days are back

Yeah, and it is. Just like the old times, the good, the bad...they're coming back. Come to think of it, not too long ago, maybe a year, or a little more, I've sworn not to drink again, with celebrations as an exception...i'm drinking now as i speak. Ok, I haven't drank a lot, yet. Looking at my glass, just a bit more to go.

Needless to guess, i'm drinking for all the same o' reasons again. Though this time, i didn't drink because i'm being dumped, but just before i'm gonna get left in the ditch. Thank God I haven't went too far on this wrong path I had foolishly undertaken...and for my dad's cognac. Tastes pretty good too - it's been a long time since I had a drop. That reminds me, I still have some tequila my friend left at my place - it's ok, i'll buy some rum to replace it. Haha.

Well, there's no new story. I fell, yeah, I fell...no big deal. Again, nothing new, "I thought she's gonna be different" - and like you've already guessed, yeah, she's just another one - leaver, quitter, escapist, whatever. One minute she's there, make you feel like you're the only one for her, send you up into the moons, tell ya that you're the only one for her...make one more step further, she says "i'm busy", "i need some time", "i don't know"...call her, sms some more, she leaves you thinking that either her phone account's outta the credit limit, or she'd turned off the phone, or she simply is too busy to return the message. Yeah right, too busy for even a minute to hit the reply button. Nice cognac by the way, thanks dad~

Women always have something to bitch about men, and why is it that the reverse isn't as well received? Women can say they've met the wrong guy, cries about how they had deserved better, elicit sympathy, and even love. Imagine, if I were to bitch about the bitches I'd met, think I'll get some sympathy, it'd be extremely fortunate if that baldie next to me doesn't put his beer bottle into my head. *Takes another shot. Nice.

Yet....the sad thing is...how can I, fuck care about the others, stop myself from falling into this illusion-of-romance-pittrap over and over again? Can any fucking thing be done to stop this nonsense? Ya know, I'm consoled to know that i'm not alone in this. Guess what? A couple of nights ago I was like what I am now, depressed, want to get real fuckin' drunk, instead, I chatted with someone online. Know what happened? Apparently it was a 'she', and she told me "...meet a few more bitches, and you'll know not to fall in love again". As I speak, I can't believe she said that. Even a 'she' said this herself. Hah, I don't know what to make out of it. Geez, i'm getting really drunk. Guess i'm outta here. Tata.

A drunk bastard