Since morning, the surroundings were chilly, unlike what others would normally feel. Buried, I hardly moved about from where I was seated, except for occasional toilet break, a washup, lunch...if not my eyes would be busying with their own work.
Not like there has been more work to be done compared to the past days, only that I had picked up a little more pace, since I was well behind the times. I see that I was always lagging behind, somehow, and there is always something that needs to be done or improved because I didn't do or didn't do as good. Most of my daylight hours today were spend like this, and when I was finally done, it was already nightfall. Despite the late hours, and leaving much later than usual, the streets were just as crowded, if not, even more as the sun had already went to other parts of the earth.
Food didnt taste good, my breathing was heavier than usual, my headaches were pretty bad with each step taken, even music didnt move me a bit. Walking almost blankly, I took little interest of what went on around me. After what that seemed a struggle, I was finally home.
The computer games didnt interest me a bit either, the mailbox was almost empty, save a few unimportant mails - one informing me my book is still yet to be seen, the other asking for volunteers for a trip, and a junk mail. As I speak, my head weighed an earth, nauseous, and the eyes are terribly exhausted after a long day; I was anything but sleepy. Hopefully, tonight would not be a night of pills and fumbling and tossing, but in nocturnal bliss of wonderful sleep.
My work has yet to be completed though, and today's work was a little tougher than usual. Much help would be needed to do them well, and hopefully they [help] are near. Perhaps my mood and even life would be totally different in near future, and though as much as I can't wait for them, I dread the recoil that follows. All I hope is that I be able to fulfill my obligations, day after day.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Monday, May 10, 2004
Day gone to waste
Today was supposed to be just like any other day - going to the library, staying there for some hours for my revisions, then a late lunch, and my well-deserved afternoon nap, and what happened today was none of those.
Not like there is any good that happened that disrupted my routine, but another sleepless night, literally. It was either too cold with the air-conditioning, or too warm without. Lying on my back, my eyes were still full of life, and almost as tireless as i speak. I heard the sound coming from the air-con, my heart beats, and silence. Despite the peaceful settings, my mind was everywhere, thinking about my future education, the college I'm gonna choose, my parents, romance, my grades, God, my friends etc...they just went on and on. Ironically, just an hour before i actually hit the pillow, I already took my sleeping pills, something that I rarely take now, and remained wide awake through the night. I was fumbling, and tossing, and thinking, pondering, listening to my surroundings...then I heard my parents have already gotten up and were about to head to work. It was already past 4am.
Even after my parents left, an hour after they got up, I was still tossing about - and if i were to calculate, i had been tossing for the past 4 to 5 hours.
By sometime around ten in the morning, i was anything sleepy yet I was neither awake. My mind seem to be shrouded by something, or a smokescreen. Neither thinking, nor lazing, nothing I do seem to go right. In a way I was intoxicated, or deprived, the mind was seemingly soaked with mild alcohol, but not feeling drunk.
Even as i speak, I still haven't slept since 32 hours ago. Looking out, the sky is grim, air is still, not cold, not warm, peaceful but melancholic. Not many hours later, I'll be meeting some of my old, long-time friends, and logically, I should either be excited, looking forward, bouncy, or even bubbly...I'm only feeling a little more than a corpse.
Hopefully, after dinner, things would change. Even if my mood or what i'm feeling won't change, I'm getting back to my revisions, which i ought to commit at least some 3 hours to. And that could mean another thing...another sleepless night, which is the last thing i want.
Not like there is any good that happened that disrupted my routine, but another sleepless night, literally. It was either too cold with the air-conditioning, or too warm without. Lying on my back, my eyes were still full of life, and almost as tireless as i speak. I heard the sound coming from the air-con, my heart beats, and silence. Despite the peaceful settings, my mind was everywhere, thinking about my future education, the college I'm gonna choose, my parents, romance, my grades, God, my friends etc...they just went on and on. Ironically, just an hour before i actually hit the pillow, I already took my sleeping pills, something that I rarely take now, and remained wide awake through the night. I was fumbling, and tossing, and thinking, pondering, listening to my surroundings...then I heard my parents have already gotten up and were about to head to work. It was already past 4am.
Even after my parents left, an hour after they got up, I was still tossing about - and if i were to calculate, i had been tossing for the past 4 to 5 hours.
By sometime around ten in the morning, i was anything sleepy yet I was neither awake. My mind seem to be shrouded by something, or a smokescreen. Neither thinking, nor lazing, nothing I do seem to go right. In a way I was intoxicated, or deprived, the mind was seemingly soaked with mild alcohol, but not feeling drunk.
Even as i speak, I still haven't slept since 32 hours ago. Looking out, the sky is grim, air is still, not cold, not warm, peaceful but melancholic. Not many hours later, I'll be meeting some of my old, long-time friends, and logically, I should either be excited, looking forward, bouncy, or even bubbly...I'm only feeling a little more than a corpse.
Hopefully, after dinner, things would change. Even if my mood or what i'm feeling won't change, I'm getting back to my revisions, which i ought to commit at least some 3 hours to. And that could mean another thing...another sleepless night, which is the last thing i want.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
"Flights of the mind"
"...overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with grain is now against - you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves it own reality..."
-Kay Redfield Jamison in "An Unquiet Mind"
-Kay Redfield Jamison in "An Unquiet Mind"
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Quote of the Day
"To be sure...I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk, too, before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt, too, God knows how well within my skin. Yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds."
-Hugo Wolf
-Hugo Wolf
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Fear
I was reading through one of my friend's blog regarding the feeling of love and being loved...while I have to admit I surely don't have much experience to speak of this, especially of romantic love.
In a way, I can be said to be a coward as far as romance is concerned - consecutive failures certainly doesn't warrant total submission and giving up. While I agree on that, that I shouldn't be giving up despite the failures. In my previous post, I had quoted about "fear"...and not too long after I first heard that line, I heard the follow up from a different source, that "courage is NOT is absence of fear, but despite it [fear]" So the two lines bend into each other. These lines are regularly recited in my head, to remind myself to move on despite my fear. However, there are just times that fear isn't the only thing that is incapicitating, it is the consequence or the probable consequence of an action or decision.
From my last, failed, relationship, I came to understand that even mutual affection does not warrant couplehood. Couplehood is a lot of committment, which implies unimaginable output of time, energy, efforts, rejection, and even money and sanity. While we [me and my ex] had much similarities, there were critical differences, especially our attitudes toward life. For a long time I just couldn't reconcile with that breakup, even though i obviously knew nothing was going to work out. Then I understood, at least at a personal level, couplehood is beyond mutual/reciprocal affections - a lot of other things are involved.
So there was this person whom I had been carrying a torch for since a long time, but never wanted to do anything about because the odds are laid before my eyes. Besides, there are far too many things waiting for me to do, and I do hope that by doing nothing [about my crush] is the best thing I can do for both of us. Same thing applies at least in short future.
Another reason I'm not moving on is tied to my lack of faith in people...i believe that "humans are by nature, good...and also evil - a blend of extremes", and given the social circumstances, monetary gains, profit seem to be a strong driving force in our predominantly capitalist/elitist society, "profit motive" looms. Besides, potential mates within my age group are considered young, prime, thus have a lot of time at their disposal to choose the best bargains amid their suitors. Even should this entire paragraph should prove to be crap at its best, what i had shared earlier still hold, unless i've graduated or strike rich overnight. Heh.
Yet, seeing so many failed relationships, the saddest part is due to the lack of communication, moment of spite, out of hate, out of self-centered notions...
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but moving on despite it [fear]"
-forgotten
In a way, I can be said to be a coward as far as romance is concerned - consecutive failures certainly doesn't warrant total submission and giving up. While I agree on that, that I shouldn't be giving up despite the failures. In my previous post, I had quoted about "fear"...and not too long after I first heard that line, I heard the follow up from a different source, that "courage is NOT is absence of fear, but despite it [fear]" So the two lines bend into each other. These lines are regularly recited in my head, to remind myself to move on despite my fear. However, there are just times that fear isn't the only thing that is incapicitating, it is the consequence or the probable consequence of an action or decision.
From my last, failed, relationship, I came to understand that even mutual affection does not warrant couplehood. Couplehood is a lot of committment, which implies unimaginable output of time, energy, efforts, rejection, and even money and sanity. While we [me and my ex] had much similarities, there were critical differences, especially our attitudes toward life. For a long time I just couldn't reconcile with that breakup, even though i obviously knew nothing was going to work out. Then I understood, at least at a personal level, couplehood is beyond mutual/reciprocal affections - a lot of other things are involved.
So there was this person whom I had been carrying a torch for since a long time, but never wanted to do anything about because the odds are laid before my eyes. Besides, there are far too many things waiting for me to do, and I do hope that by doing nothing [about my crush] is the best thing I can do for both of us. Same thing applies at least in short future.
Another reason I'm not moving on is tied to my lack of faith in people...i believe that "humans are by nature, good...and also evil - a blend of extremes", and given the social circumstances, monetary gains, profit seem to be a strong driving force in our predominantly capitalist/elitist society, "profit motive" looms. Besides, potential mates within my age group are considered young, prime, thus have a lot of time at their disposal to choose the best bargains amid their suitors. Even should this entire paragraph should prove to be crap at its best, what i had shared earlier still hold, unless i've graduated or strike rich overnight. Heh.
Yet, seeing so many failed relationships, the saddest part is due to the lack of communication, moment of spite, out of hate, out of self-centered notions...
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but moving on despite it [fear]"
-forgotten
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