Earlier, I woke up with a dull feeling on my chest, like something very very heavy resting itself on me, and I can hardly breathe, even now.
I did and completed my morning rituals, watched tv, played maple story, but my mind was blank and dull like my chest. My thoughts drifted to the things that have recently happened...
A lost temper, mine...
offended my dearest friend...
a happy friendship, terminated just like that...
A heart full of regrets...
full of remorse...
full of apologies...
alas, she would no hear me again.
Met an old friend...
he was badly worn down...
by malpractice and neglience...
Seeing that, I was deeply ashamed of myself...
for I'm amongst the luckiest...
yet weak, as I am.
A heart filled with hope once again...
was disappointed once again.
When my heart took a leap into springs...
was pierced into bits then again.
Her hands were so soft...
her smile so beautiful...
enchanting...
was only a dream that lived for a day.
She was met with troubles...
I stretched my hand out to her.
She was in pain...
I was hurt being of no help to her.
I asked for nothing more, but to accept my aid,
rejecting me...
that pain killed my mind...
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Alas, I'm glad to have my brothers with me. It wasn't until yesterday, I saw for myself their love for me. Feeling embarrassed, ashamed having to have worried my friends, I'm too glad to know my brothers are right behind me. A great dinner is what we shall have to celebrate this false yet genuine brotherhood.
Strong, is what I shall be. Tough, is what I need to be. Like the coming marathon, I shall stay strong and hang on and finish race the way I should...
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"Life is tough, but we're tougher!"
- Hu Zhen Zhong
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Light of the Day
It's only when I learn, overcome the past fears, and face these fears once again, then I can let go, and my burden shall be lightened and be eventually free.
I haven't been able to carry on with my life because my load's too heavy, weighing me down, and hence, incapicitated. I came to a point where I could move no longer - my burdens so heavy I was buried in, with little chance of escape. My fears kept following me, stalking me, hunted and preyed on me.
"Unless the lesson is learned, it is to be repeated over, and over, and over again, until it is learned."
- Anonymous
I haven't been able to carry on with my life because my load's too heavy, weighing me down, and hence, incapicitated. I came to a point where I could move no longer - my burdens so heavy I was buried in, with little chance of escape. My fears kept following me, stalking me, hunted and preyed on me.
"Unless the lesson is learned, it is to be repeated over, and over, and over again, until it is learned."
- Anonymous
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Some answers, more questions
It's been more than a month since my last update. During this long period of hiding, I did, in fact, several times wanted to rant and post'em all up here. After thinking sometime, I relented, deciding that my rants could potentially cause more confusion or even hurt. During this long period away, shying from people and some of my friends, I did what I had thought was best for the situation.
One, I was primarily concerned, naturally, to sweep the dust that had settled some long time ago, which I had been procrastinating in cleaning up the mess. A part of me wilfully thought that time might just turn itself around; the other part of me have been strongly suggesting that nothing of that sort would happen. The latter was right, fate, or destiny has always been cruel to me, nothing less; hence I had no reason to expect otherwise.
Perhaps it was indeed a good thing. Failure, hurt, depression, dispair has been refusing to go away, a huge price was paid in exchange a small bit of wisdom, or folly.
Two, it might also be a good thing for whom's on my mind now. Deep down, I'm glad she's moved on in her life, and getting on fine - I presume. And if what I thought was right, it be a good thing for her also, so that my shadows would leave her forever. Otherwise, I can't spend another second thinking of her, lest I cry again.
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As I opened up my computer, I update myself on the lives of my two best friends, by reading their blogs.
It appears people on the other side of the island are getting married.
Marriage, courtship, love... Love has done nothing for me except only to curse; a blessing it has never been. Let's take it from the beginning, and tell you guys how useless I'm when it comes to love ever since I was a teenager.
My first greatest depression was more than 5-6 years ago, and back then, I was supposed to be sitting for my O Level exams. Everything was going great, we were hanging out together, she was beautiful, gentle, until she suddenly walked and left my life without an answer. Naturally I was devastated. I was so confident of taking my O Levels to skies until this happened. My preliminary exams were complete disaster... After my O Level exam, that depression returned to plague me through the early years of my college life. Again, I was out for the longest time.
Not too long after, I met my first girlfriend. Ran into much conflicts, including strong opposition from my family, thanks to traditionalism, I collapsed and so did that relationship. And once again I sank deep into the ocean of melanoia. Only God knew when I got out.
Next, I was foolish to be moved by a 'damsel' who was hot and cold to me. Determined to make that relationship work, I did all I thought that could bring us together. One word, disaster.
Then, it was that girl who had me fall flat into the mercy of Cupid. Everything appeared to be wonderful until she abruptly left me as soon as she appeared. This was much like the first girl who I was in love with. No doubt I was once again out for good, and feeling like I'm in some shithole as I speak.
This is me, this is how foolish I am. Not learning my lesson, only to repeat mistake after mistake - falling in love, if it's what it is.
These recent weeks had been a little kinder, at least on my bum leg. As my leg felt a little better, so did my mood. During this time of recovery, at least I think it is, every second I tell myself not to let my guard down anymore; the walls have to stay up, not down. Not like I trust those smooth skinned anymore.
Meanwhile, I hope to catch up with my friends a little - it appears that during this long time away, I'm all lost and haven't been a friend to you all. My apologies.
Godspeed
One, I was primarily concerned, naturally, to sweep the dust that had settled some long time ago, which I had been procrastinating in cleaning up the mess. A part of me wilfully thought that time might just turn itself around; the other part of me have been strongly suggesting that nothing of that sort would happen. The latter was right, fate, or destiny has always been cruel to me, nothing less; hence I had no reason to expect otherwise.
Perhaps it was indeed a good thing. Failure, hurt, depression, dispair has been refusing to go away, a huge price was paid in exchange a small bit of wisdom, or folly.
Two, it might also be a good thing for whom's on my mind now. Deep down, I'm glad she's moved on in her life, and getting on fine - I presume. And if what I thought was right, it be a good thing for her also, so that my shadows would leave her forever. Otherwise, I can't spend another second thinking of her, lest I cry again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I opened up my computer, I update myself on the lives of my two best friends, by reading their blogs.
It appears people on the other side of the island are getting married.
Marriage, courtship, love... Love has done nothing for me except only to curse; a blessing it has never been. Let's take it from the beginning, and tell you guys how useless I'm when it comes to love ever since I was a teenager.
My first greatest depression was more than 5-6 years ago, and back then, I was supposed to be sitting for my O Level exams. Everything was going great, we were hanging out together, she was beautiful, gentle, until she suddenly walked and left my life without an answer. Naturally I was devastated. I was so confident of taking my O Levels to skies until this happened. My preliminary exams were complete disaster... After my O Level exam, that depression returned to plague me through the early years of my college life. Again, I was out for the longest time.
Not too long after, I met my first girlfriend. Ran into much conflicts, including strong opposition from my family, thanks to traditionalism, I collapsed and so did that relationship. And once again I sank deep into the ocean of melanoia. Only God knew when I got out.
Next, I was foolish to be moved by a 'damsel' who was hot and cold to me. Determined to make that relationship work, I did all I thought that could bring us together. One word, disaster.
Then, it was that girl who had me fall flat into the mercy of Cupid. Everything appeared to be wonderful until she abruptly left me as soon as she appeared. This was much like the first girl who I was in love with. No doubt I was once again out for good, and feeling like I'm in some shithole as I speak.
This is me, this is how foolish I am. Not learning my lesson, only to repeat mistake after mistake - falling in love, if it's what it is.
These recent weeks had been a little kinder, at least on my bum leg. As my leg felt a little better, so did my mood. During this time of recovery, at least I think it is, every second I tell myself not to let my guard down anymore; the walls have to stay up, not down. Not like I trust those smooth skinned anymore.
Meanwhile, I hope to catch up with my friends a little - it appears that during this long time away, I'm all lost and haven't been a friend to you all. My apologies.
Godspeed
Friday, July 29, 2005
Quote of the Day
“看人不能看表面。。。 表面只是人的百面中之一。。。“
- 元凯
"A man has many faces; the surface is only one of them."
- RDL
- 元凯
"A man has many faces; the surface is only one of them."
- RDL
Thursday, July 28, 2005
b'wet dreams
It was dark, and I couldn't quite see her face. All I could see was her shapely contours, her curves silhouetted against the dim candle light shining through the cream canvas screen behind. Her hair was long, and smooth as I felt them with the back of my hand. From I was, you could faintly smell her sweet cranberry cologne...crisp, alive, fruity, light - just enough for one close enough to pick up.
The tip of my fingers very lightly brushed her shoulders, outlining her silhouette and slowly, running down to her hands rested on my thigh. She was really so smooth, and soft, and sexy, something I have never felt before. Resting her fingers on mine, my hand turned around a little, stroking the back of her forearm feeling those soft hairs on the back of palms. I could see her took her arm back a little in a reflex, as a little shockwave ran through her body as she shook a little, letting out a soft chuckle. That tickled her.
Not saying a thing, she so gently stroked my face, looking through every feature and smiled. That smile was just so lovely, so beautiful, and that one smile was all I need in a dull day to turn it into the happiest day of my life. She had her hand against the back of head, looked into my eyes. Even with that low light, I managed to catch a soft glisten from her brown eyes. They were so enchanting, so pretty, so strikingly beautiful. Very slowly, very delicately pulled me towards her.
Closing my eyes, I could feel her lips on mine. They felt small, but full, supple, a little moist, then...warm. I was starting to feel light, my world was beginning to spin...nothing seem to matter anymore. That moment, there was only her and myself, just us, nothing more, nothing mattered. She leaned closer to me and we're deep within each other...we started to kiss harder, and we could hear ourselves breathing deeper but faster. Soon, her tougue found mine, and we were feeling each other in a whole unique way; our hearts were hitting hard against on chests, our faces flushed and heated with deep passion. That moment, we wanted only each other, nothing less, nothing more. We held each other so tightly then, skin to skin, heart to heart.
After what seemed like hours, our lips parted. I could see her face again. She seemed to be blushing furiously, catching her breath after the long long kiss. Sweat was beading all over her...her arms, her legs, her neck, her chest, her bosom, and she was...glistering. I could no longer hold myself back.
Holding me close to her breasts, like a mother holding her child to sleep, she slowly lowered herself on me. It felt a little wet, and soft, and warm...very warm. I had felt nothing like that before. That moment on, I was completely lost to the world; my heart was killing me, my face burning, my breath was getting fast...too fast, my eyes were moist and lightly swelled. I wanted to cry, that moment was all I asked for... ...
I open my eyes, catching my breath a little, and found myself fully clothed and covered with sweat. Licking my lips a little, my eyes went down. I've been finding myself like this, dreaming of dreams, fantasies that will never happen, hoping for a magic that never exists or work. Even if it would, not to me. Perhaps it might be that I've lost all confidence; in people including myself because we'd care only ourselves way too much, in love - if it even exists; in hope because hopes are never fulfilled; in everything - in life.
Dreams like this only exist within themselves - dreams, or imagination, movies, Hollywood, but life. So far, I've never witnessed the very real sense of love - selfless, giving, unrestrained, unconditional. What I have seen is nothing close to that - it always involved putting self first. Love, relationships, attachments become a "profit-loss" kind of business deal - people seem to first think of how that would benefit them...a very "real" sense of how the world works I guess. Romantic fantasies are, but like a mirage in the desert. That dream served only to sadden me even more...seducing me to keep dreaming, keep sleeping... I'm tired. And I do want to go on sleeping and not get up, too taxed, too exasperated to go on anymore.
It's time to get up.
The tip of my fingers very lightly brushed her shoulders, outlining her silhouette and slowly, running down to her hands rested on my thigh. She was really so smooth, and soft, and sexy, something I have never felt before. Resting her fingers on mine, my hand turned around a little, stroking the back of her forearm feeling those soft hairs on the back of palms. I could see her took her arm back a little in a reflex, as a little shockwave ran through her body as she shook a little, letting out a soft chuckle. That tickled her.
Not saying a thing, she so gently stroked my face, looking through every feature and smiled. That smile was just so lovely, so beautiful, and that one smile was all I need in a dull day to turn it into the happiest day of my life. She had her hand against the back of head, looked into my eyes. Even with that low light, I managed to catch a soft glisten from her brown eyes. They were so enchanting, so pretty, so strikingly beautiful. Very slowly, very delicately pulled me towards her.
Closing my eyes, I could feel her lips on mine. They felt small, but full, supple, a little moist, then...warm. I was starting to feel light, my world was beginning to spin...nothing seem to matter anymore. That moment, there was only her and myself, just us, nothing more, nothing mattered. She leaned closer to me and we're deep within each other...we started to kiss harder, and we could hear ourselves breathing deeper but faster. Soon, her tougue found mine, and we were feeling each other in a whole unique way; our hearts were hitting hard against on chests, our faces flushed and heated with deep passion. That moment, we wanted only each other, nothing less, nothing more. We held each other so tightly then, skin to skin, heart to heart.
After what seemed like hours, our lips parted. I could see her face again. She seemed to be blushing furiously, catching her breath after the long long kiss. Sweat was beading all over her...her arms, her legs, her neck, her chest, her bosom, and she was...glistering. I could no longer hold myself back.
Holding me close to her breasts, like a mother holding her child to sleep, she slowly lowered herself on me. It felt a little wet, and soft, and warm...very warm. I had felt nothing like that before. That moment on, I was completely lost to the world; my heart was killing me, my face burning, my breath was getting fast...too fast, my eyes were moist and lightly swelled. I wanted to cry, that moment was all I asked for... ...
I open my eyes, catching my breath a little, and found myself fully clothed and covered with sweat. Licking my lips a little, my eyes went down. I've been finding myself like this, dreaming of dreams, fantasies that will never happen, hoping for a magic that never exists or work. Even if it would, not to me. Perhaps it might be that I've lost all confidence; in people including myself because we'd care only ourselves way too much, in love - if it even exists; in hope because hopes are never fulfilled; in everything - in life.
Dreams like this only exist within themselves - dreams, or imagination, movies, Hollywood, but life. So far, I've never witnessed the very real sense of love - selfless, giving, unrestrained, unconditional. What I have seen is nothing close to that - it always involved putting self first. Love, relationships, attachments become a "profit-loss" kind of business deal - people seem to first think of how that would benefit them...a very "real" sense of how the world works I guess. Romantic fantasies are, but like a mirage in the desert. That dream served only to sadden me even more...seducing me to keep dreaming, keep sleeping... I'm tired. And I do want to go on sleeping and not get up, too taxed, too exasperated to go on anymore.
It's time to get up.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Ramblings of a Wretched Mind
I'm pretty tired...even more so during this long period of "disappearance"...it was only a couple of days ago then I know a little more about what that has been going on with me.
Never thought it would bother me that much, never even seriously considered the possibility of it happening, and of course, it happened. And when it did, I didn't think it would hurt that much, and initially, it hurt only little...but the passing of time instead left a gaping wound that makes it even harder to heal. This wound, this open wound, eventually caused a serious infection to set it. I had developed a fever, a mind and its body bathed in ethereal flames and slowly, I was being engulfed and consumed. The flames had very much left me, much of the burns and scars remain, leaving me incapacitated and desperate.
During this long long time away, I've been asking a lot of questions, thought about many many things...one thing came to me, that I am someone who've never been happy, never truly happy. Even the very place that I live in is a chamber of torture and torment. Since young I've never been understood and truly loved, home is place that I would do what I could to avoid, but I could never get out of it, at least not yet. I grew up to become a loveless person, one who cares n one but self, and naturally, that made me an extremely unpopular person and had little friends. I never like people who were always seeking for attention and popularity, so I was rarely seen with a crowd.
Thinking back, I wonder sometimes why I had allowed myself to be that, but I've never quite regretted that...at least that's what made me. A social hermit, that's what I am...spends much time thinking about many things, asking many things. Silly things, perhaps like God, the purpose of life, about being happy, about love, about working, income...many things.
Eventually this life of solitude didn't seem quite to suit me anymore...and I still am not too sure what changed that. Naturally, I was a pretty much a failure trying to change...and gradually, I ran myself dry, and the world around me collapsed. No real home, loveless, had hardly any friends to hang around with, burdened with a bad leg, broked up my girlfriend, OOC-ed, I was scorned, laughed at...and I gave way. It wasn't the first time it happened anyway, but I still did...and it was then, my soul took a short trip to Hell, to Cania, to purgatory, whatever it is called.
That was the time when God came into my life...somehow I just found my way in, quite literally. It was there I felt a little different, perhaps due to the preconception that the community there was wiser. I was wrong and was tad disappointed...like any other place I had been, I was unpopular...not like I was trodding on everyone else's tail, things just didn't work out. The passion for God and wisdom died out in just less than a year after I first stepped in. My so-called sponsor gave up on me the last second, decided that he could no longer sponsor me through the spiritual journey, and vaguely reasoned that I just wasn't talking. Like in any screwups, he made it seemed like I was fully to blame.
At the same time, this youth group I was in didn't do much to help me get my soul out of Hell...I could still clearly recall that close to my baptism, I was trying very hard to talk to someone...for some strange, inexplicable reason, there had been no one for me. With one last bit of breath, with that silent promise to God that I would go ahead, I literally limped, with a cast, to the baptismal rites. Not surprisingly, not too long after that, I left the wretched place. To be a little fair to all parties, I needed help, but don't know what kinda help I needed...I just needed help, or just someone I guess.
I left the place as I could no longer stand the kind of hypocrisy lingering in the airs of the holy church, tainted by a majority of worshippers that don't seem to know what they're doing, what they believe, work and behave in ways even in the holy grounds, ways that were discouraged. What made me wanted to puke, was the pretense and false faces in church, all those prayers and rosaries, preachings about love...about something they know nuts about, acting in the exact opposite to what that was preached.
Not too long after I met a fellow sister as they would like to say...though from a different denomination...was an exaggerated version those whom I just described. It seemed like to her, to achieve love by means of emotional blackmail, coercion was accepted...faith and religion no longer seem to be much of a freewill anymore. Church, or the name of Christians, become more like a member to a resort club than mark of faith, other than that superficial membership, the name of being a Christian seem to mean nothing more. Exactly as I would describe six years back, that religion is truly a place for people to hide, a place where they could pour out their frustrations and tears when their fantasies don't work out. It was not a place of learning or worship, as I had hoped it would be. Perhaps it is for a minority...but I wasn't lucky enough to see that.
Roughly sometime after I had left church physically, no longer attending masses, no longer bothering to help out in their missions, I got acquainted with an intellectual who rarely fail to impress me...when I first know him, I saw him as a always cheerful person albeit burden with much responsibilities. Back then, he was busying with giving tuition to teenagers, helping out as a chairman to a small group young people in service to the local community, also a member (or was it chairman) to the chess club in university, a student to that university, a boyfriend to someone, and a scholar. In terms of intelligence, I was well aware that I was nowhere close to him, and was a little pleasently surprised that we were still able to communicate, and he didn't seem a bit bothered that I'm only an ordinary bummer on street, whose soul was spening much time burning in Cania, who could then no longer care for anything but bowling all day long.
What impressed me even more was that he was brought up like anyone of us, not some kind of rich kid or something, from a little less-than-well-to-do family, he was very well-mannered, and I could guess he was brought up real well by his parents, and not surprisingly, he's rather close to them, contrary to what's happening in my own home. One more thing that I've always been asking myself about him was that ir-erasable smile on his face...it still remains much of a question til date how one could remain happy all the time in this cursed world. That is one of the reasons why I call him my shifu, not for nothing, as I have much to learn from this guy.
After we've been friends for long, I see that he isn't that happy anymore...and I never could guess why it is. Sometimes I would think that it was because he's been hanging out with me for too long, for I am someone who knows not what being happy is about. Or it could be his recent failures in his romantic ventures, or it could be his increased workload...I don't know.
At about the same time, I met up with a very old good friend of mine whom I knew since we're old kids playing basketball in the school courts, singing in the choir, playing false prophets to the girls in class. Since that time I re-met him, he looked a lot different...seasoned, ballooned...to someone much larger but also stronger than I remember, wiser...very very different. I often wonder how he is able to spend so much time chatting with me...with him talking 95% of time...and we're still very much at it as I speak. Quite unexpectedly, during this period of infirmity and torment, he's been keeping me running well and good, quite literally also. I don't know how to thank these friends for spending so much time help keep me alive though I often wish otherwise.
I recall one late evening we had a long serious chat...when I finally had a glimpse into what that could have caused the drastic change in him...much of what as I expected...love. When we spoke, he said something that shook me to the back of my seat. It wasn't really what he had said, but the look he had when he said that, he seemed very determined and set on what he believed and unwavering. I am not sure of the severity of the impact that caused that change in him, but I could be sure, however, that its impact is not to be undermined. It came as quite a shock to as I could never quite understand how a young man like him would say something as that and being that determined. I wish I could do something to prove him otherwise...but alas, I couldn't...
Not long after we had that talk, a fate had befallen on me that had me instantly turned to his side. We were then so happy together...she's always smiling, always happy to see me, and when we finally got together...I was pleasantly surprised to see that she's even more excited than myself. That day, I thought I had proved myself wrong...but that didn't last.
Only days after we first held hands, she had a different look that morning than usual, I didn't know what it was...a beam of frost went past my spine. That evening I wanted to see her, to ask her what went wrong, so that I might be of help...I was refused. Later, it was revealed that she felt pressured and desperated wanted out...helpless, I could only agree to a vague reason, a vague reason that bred much questions spamming every conscious part of my mind. Til date, the real reason remains to be seen and the big question for that abrupt change is never answered. One day she was in skies with her hands in mine...the next she said we could be friends forever... It was that volatile.
The fantasy of a utopian romance of consisting nothing but only love remained as it is - a fantasy, an utopia, nothing more. I came up with many hypotheses about romance, about love, about fellowship, about attraction, about marriage...and I was never more convinced of my past theories. I denied them, my own beliefs and set to disprove them...only to prove previous theories right. I've never seen a successful example of a blissful marriage or relationship, not my parents, not my relatives', not in my past experiences, seemingly not in my friends' as well...
I'm not about to disprove my old theories anymore..for I have little left save for that last bit of sanity that remain. I've been worn and tattered...exhausted for further endeavors...no longer am I adventurous when romance is concerned (I wasn't truly adventurous in that sense anyway). If there is something that I have to regret about, I regret most whenever I allow my own defenses to go down and allow myself to fall in love. Looking at this failure as a lesson, there would not be a time anymore when I'll have my lasers down and guns holstered...truly I had enough.
If there still is room for fantasy...my fantasy would be that bachelor's house I've been raving about...if alone, I'll have a soundproof games room where I could play my computer so loud that fussy neighbor wouldn't hear a thing. My computer would have the fastest chip of that time, with all memory slots occupied, the best graphics card in town, a huge HDD with RAID, 19" LCD monitor, fully digital sound system, these would be good enough. No TV, no radio...I've no use for them anyway...a nice kitchen with a huge refrigerator where I could do my experiments and ask my friends down for dinner...(laughs)that's what friends are for ain't they? I'll have a pool table, where we could play in peace, or have mahjong all night and my dad would be miles away to hear anything to disturb his slumber.
And...before I end this long long rambling..here I would like to thank my friends, ZZ, Kelvin, and my dearest brother Ash (I still love to call him Bob), for being part of life and being so supportive and I love you guys...in case I don't have a chance to tell you guys that.
Ciao
Never thought it would bother me that much, never even seriously considered the possibility of it happening, and of course, it happened. And when it did, I didn't think it would hurt that much, and initially, it hurt only little...but the passing of time instead left a gaping wound that makes it even harder to heal. This wound, this open wound, eventually caused a serious infection to set it. I had developed a fever, a mind and its body bathed in ethereal flames and slowly, I was being engulfed and consumed. The flames had very much left me, much of the burns and scars remain, leaving me incapacitated and desperate.
During this long long time away, I've been asking a lot of questions, thought about many many things...one thing came to me, that I am someone who've never been happy, never truly happy. Even the very place that I live in is a chamber of torture and torment. Since young I've never been understood and truly loved, home is place that I would do what I could to avoid, but I could never get out of it, at least not yet. I grew up to become a loveless person, one who cares n one but self, and naturally, that made me an extremely unpopular person and had little friends. I never like people who were always seeking for attention and popularity, so I was rarely seen with a crowd.
Thinking back, I wonder sometimes why I had allowed myself to be that, but I've never quite regretted that...at least that's what made me. A social hermit, that's what I am...spends much time thinking about many things, asking many things. Silly things, perhaps like God, the purpose of life, about being happy, about love, about working, income...many things.
Eventually this life of solitude didn't seem quite to suit me anymore...and I still am not too sure what changed that. Naturally, I was a pretty much a failure trying to change...and gradually, I ran myself dry, and the world around me collapsed. No real home, loveless, had hardly any friends to hang around with, burdened with a bad leg, broked up my girlfriend, OOC-ed, I was scorned, laughed at...and I gave way. It wasn't the first time it happened anyway, but I still did...and it was then, my soul took a short trip to Hell, to Cania, to purgatory, whatever it is called.
That was the time when God came into my life...somehow I just found my way in, quite literally. It was there I felt a little different, perhaps due to the preconception that the community there was wiser. I was wrong and was tad disappointed...like any other place I had been, I was unpopular...not like I was trodding on everyone else's tail, things just didn't work out. The passion for God and wisdom died out in just less than a year after I first stepped in. My so-called sponsor gave up on me the last second, decided that he could no longer sponsor me through the spiritual journey, and vaguely reasoned that I just wasn't talking. Like in any screwups, he made it seemed like I was fully to blame.
At the same time, this youth group I was in didn't do much to help me get my soul out of Hell...I could still clearly recall that close to my baptism, I was trying very hard to talk to someone...for some strange, inexplicable reason, there had been no one for me. With one last bit of breath, with that silent promise to God that I would go ahead, I literally limped, with a cast, to the baptismal rites. Not surprisingly, not too long after that, I left the wretched place. To be a little fair to all parties, I needed help, but don't know what kinda help I needed...I just needed help, or just someone I guess.
I left the place as I could no longer stand the kind of hypocrisy lingering in the airs of the holy church, tainted by a majority of worshippers that don't seem to know what they're doing, what they believe, work and behave in ways even in the holy grounds, ways that were discouraged. What made me wanted to puke, was the pretense and false faces in church, all those prayers and rosaries, preachings about love...about something they know nuts about, acting in the exact opposite to what that was preached.
Not too long after I met a fellow sister as they would like to say...though from a different denomination...was an exaggerated version those whom I just described. It seemed like to her, to achieve love by means of emotional blackmail, coercion was accepted...faith and religion no longer seem to be much of a freewill anymore. Church, or the name of Christians, become more like a member to a resort club than mark of faith, other than that superficial membership, the name of being a Christian seem to mean nothing more. Exactly as I would describe six years back, that religion is truly a place for people to hide, a place where they could pour out their frustrations and tears when their fantasies don't work out. It was not a place of learning or worship, as I had hoped it would be. Perhaps it is for a minority...but I wasn't lucky enough to see that.
Roughly sometime after I had left church physically, no longer attending masses, no longer bothering to help out in their missions, I got acquainted with an intellectual who rarely fail to impress me...when I first know him, I saw him as a always cheerful person albeit burden with much responsibilities. Back then, he was busying with giving tuition to teenagers, helping out as a chairman to a small group young people in service to the local community, also a member (or was it chairman) to the chess club in university, a student to that university, a boyfriend to someone, and a scholar. In terms of intelligence, I was well aware that I was nowhere close to him, and was a little pleasently surprised that we were still able to communicate, and he didn't seem a bit bothered that I'm only an ordinary bummer on street, whose soul was spening much time burning in Cania, who could then no longer care for anything but bowling all day long.
What impressed me even more was that he was brought up like anyone of us, not some kind of rich kid or something, from a little less-than-well-to-do family, he was very well-mannered, and I could guess he was brought up real well by his parents, and not surprisingly, he's rather close to them, contrary to what's happening in my own home. One more thing that I've always been asking myself about him was that ir-erasable smile on his face...it still remains much of a question til date how one could remain happy all the time in this cursed world. That is one of the reasons why I call him my shifu, not for nothing, as I have much to learn from this guy.
After we've been friends for long, I see that he isn't that happy anymore...and I never could guess why it is. Sometimes I would think that it was because he's been hanging out with me for too long, for I am someone who knows not what being happy is about. Or it could be his recent failures in his romantic ventures, or it could be his increased workload...I don't know.
At about the same time, I met up with a very old good friend of mine whom I knew since we're old kids playing basketball in the school courts, singing in the choir, playing false prophets to the girls in class. Since that time I re-met him, he looked a lot different...seasoned, ballooned...to someone much larger but also stronger than I remember, wiser...very very different. I often wonder how he is able to spend so much time chatting with me...with him talking 95% of time...and we're still very much at it as I speak. Quite unexpectedly, during this period of infirmity and torment, he's been keeping me running well and good, quite literally also. I don't know how to thank these friends for spending so much time help keep me alive though I often wish otherwise.
I recall one late evening we had a long serious chat...when I finally had a glimpse into what that could have caused the drastic change in him...much of what as I expected...love. When we spoke, he said something that shook me to the back of my seat. It wasn't really what he had said, but the look he had when he said that, he seemed very determined and set on what he believed and unwavering. I am not sure of the severity of the impact that caused that change in him, but I could be sure, however, that its impact is not to be undermined. It came as quite a shock to as I could never quite understand how a young man like him would say something as that and being that determined. I wish I could do something to prove him otherwise...but alas, I couldn't...
Not long after we had that talk, a fate had befallen on me that had me instantly turned to his side. We were then so happy together...she's always smiling, always happy to see me, and when we finally got together...I was pleasantly surprised to see that she's even more excited than myself. That day, I thought I had proved myself wrong...but that didn't last.
Only days after we first held hands, she had a different look that morning than usual, I didn't know what it was...a beam of frost went past my spine. That evening I wanted to see her, to ask her what went wrong, so that I might be of help...I was refused. Later, it was revealed that she felt pressured and desperated wanted out...helpless, I could only agree to a vague reason, a vague reason that bred much questions spamming every conscious part of my mind. Til date, the real reason remains to be seen and the big question for that abrupt change is never answered. One day she was in skies with her hands in mine...the next she said we could be friends forever... It was that volatile.
The fantasy of a utopian romance of consisting nothing but only love remained as it is - a fantasy, an utopia, nothing more. I came up with many hypotheses about romance, about love, about fellowship, about attraction, about marriage...and I was never more convinced of my past theories. I denied them, my own beliefs and set to disprove them...only to prove previous theories right. I've never seen a successful example of a blissful marriage or relationship, not my parents, not my relatives', not in my past experiences, seemingly not in my friends' as well...
I'm not about to disprove my old theories anymore..for I have little left save for that last bit of sanity that remain. I've been worn and tattered...exhausted for further endeavors...no longer am I adventurous when romance is concerned (I wasn't truly adventurous in that sense anyway). If there is something that I have to regret about, I regret most whenever I allow my own defenses to go down and allow myself to fall in love. Looking at this failure as a lesson, there would not be a time anymore when I'll have my lasers down and guns holstered...truly I had enough.
If there still is room for fantasy...my fantasy would be that bachelor's house I've been raving about...if alone, I'll have a soundproof games room where I could play my computer so loud that fussy neighbor wouldn't hear a thing. My computer would have the fastest chip of that time, with all memory slots occupied, the best graphics card in town, a huge HDD with RAID, 19" LCD monitor, fully digital sound system, these would be good enough. No TV, no radio...I've no use for them anyway...a nice kitchen with a huge refrigerator where I could do my experiments and ask my friends down for dinner...(laughs)that's what friends are for ain't they? I'll have a pool table, where we could play in peace, or have mahjong all night and my dad would be miles away to hear anything to disturb his slumber.
And...before I end this long long rambling..here I would like to thank my friends, ZZ, Kelvin, and my dearest brother Ash (I still love to call him Bob), for being part of life and being so supportive and I love you guys...in case I don't have a chance to tell you guys that.
Ciao
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Vanishing
"..you know... it's been weeks, many weeks. I have been wondering around, been to many places, felt many things, thought of many things. And after so long, I'm back."
"But, things seem to have changed, even when everything look the same. I have changed..."
"...actually, all I want is to talk, nothing else. Even when I was away, left my work behind, every other things followed..."
"Blast..."
"I'm even more tired than before, (laughs softly) when I'm supposed to feel better after my break, ain't it?"
"Now I'm stuck, lost my words, don't know what to say now."
"(looking) I wish I am you, smiling so broadly every time I see you, everyday, every minute."
"I've always thought I've done pretty well, really. In almost everything I do, I gave it my best shot, even in things I didn't really like doing, but I did anyway. "
"Or perhaps, I am just delusional, just like she had said."
"To you, I admit, that I'm a bad son to my father. I know it, and I am sorry I can't really do any better than that. I do what I can...for as long as I still hold on to my last bit of sanity."
"You know, I nearly lost it many times during these short weeks or months. Sometimes it seems like things don't matter, or would change any single bit even if I leave..."
"Life would go on, I am just a single drop of water in the vast ocean..."
"...would be forgotten."
"Once I had a dream...nobody came. And when I saw that...I was very upset. After all, I guess I really have to believe that I've done a terrible job at everything I do."
"No longer present is self-identity...but just like a shapeless, formless, nameless shadow..."
"Nobody tells me who I am anymore and...their eyes...seem to tell me that I've lost it."
"Hey you! Yeah, nutcase!!! I'm talking to you!!"
"Moron..."
"He's nuts..."
"Very slowly, yet so quickly, it feels like I'm vanishing from the face of this earth..."
"Am I?"
"I don't know if I feel upset anymore, perhaps, it's due to acceptance. The acceptance of fate, that's what it is. Or rather, 'destiny' is a better word."
"I never believed in that..."
"...but, I guess I do now."
"But, things seem to have changed, even when everything look the same. I have changed..."
"...actually, all I want is to talk, nothing else. Even when I was away, left my work behind, every other things followed..."
"Blast..."
"I'm even more tired than before, (laughs softly) when I'm supposed to feel better after my break, ain't it?"
"Now I'm stuck, lost my words, don't know what to say now."
"(looking) I wish I am you, smiling so broadly every time I see you, everyday, every minute."
"I've always thought I've done pretty well, really. In almost everything I do, I gave it my best shot, even in things I didn't really like doing, but I did anyway. "
"Or perhaps, I am just delusional, just like she had said."
"To you, I admit, that I'm a bad son to my father. I know it, and I am sorry I can't really do any better than that. I do what I can...for as long as I still hold on to my last bit of sanity."
"You know, I nearly lost it many times during these short weeks or months. Sometimes it seems like things don't matter, or would change any single bit even if I leave..."
"Life would go on, I am just a single drop of water in the vast ocean..."
"...would be forgotten."
"Once I had a dream...nobody came. And when I saw that...I was very upset. After all, I guess I really have to believe that I've done a terrible job at everything I do."
"No longer present is self-identity...but just like a shapeless, formless, nameless shadow..."
"Nobody tells me who I am anymore and...their eyes...seem to tell me that I've lost it."
"Hey you! Yeah, nutcase!!! I'm talking to you!!"
"Moron..."
"He's nuts..."
"Very slowly, yet so quickly, it feels like I'm vanishing from the face of this earth..."
"Am I?"
"I don't know if I feel upset anymore, perhaps, it's due to acceptance. The acceptance of fate, that's what it is. Or rather, 'destiny' is a better word."
"I never believed in that..."
"...but, I guess I do now."
Monday, May 30, 2005
The Unending Forest XI (Scenario 1) - The Final Chapters
It been weeks since I was here. And as it seems, I've been walking deeper and deeper into this pernicious marsh that does not appear to have any way out. Remembering as hard as I could, how I even got here remains a mystery.
Restless, exasperated, tired, worn, and injured, I stopped, paused for a moment, closing my eyes, took this chance to look at myself once more. Nodding, there is only so much left to do anymore, and it is then decided that the time has arrived...
Days ago, I saw someone passing by. Surprised, as ever since I've gotten myself into this wretched place...I haven't seen a soul and this loneliness was killing myself with every passing second, and my eye lit up when I thought I saw someone. What was more surprising was that he appeared to be looking for me, and when we met we had quite a talk that left me in thoughts for a really really long time. He was very candid, told me many things that I've always wanted to avoid thinking about...because the more I think about it, the more real it becomes, the more the fear grows within, the fear that my worst imaginations are right after all. Though what he said was what many would say to be extremely negative, after some thoughts, what was said is indeed very real, if not the truth, the truth everyone wishes otherwise, I suppose.
Reflecting on my past pursuits, today, it did seem wishful, naive, hopeful, innocent at best. After all, about half of people of the forest have a lake by where they stay, the other half aren't necessary worse off - they had their own lives, busying with their committments, fulfilling their purposes and obligations. This half of the people, according to the gentleman I spoke to, most already knew much about this wretched forest and the lakes. Some actually chose to live this solitary and wandering life, because there just isn't a "clean lake" for one to settle in. Even should there be one, there'll always be someone, out of jealous and spite, do what he can to destroy. Even should there be no one having spotted a good water, nature would do what She can to protect herself, even when it means hurting you.
In the end, no one wins. People have to make do with the already "polluted waters", exchange their soul and blood to win Her, then spend the rest of time protecting Her from nature's revolt, other jealous men, act of God... there will never be peace and happiness this way. Finally, people throw up their hands in despair, walk out, giving up everything they had dreamed of, and lead a wandering life...
If all these things that he had told me all absolutely true without the slightest hope of exception...truly, I would have been fighting in vain. Shortly after we had our talk, he abruptedly stood up and we had to bid each other farewell. He said with much confidence just before he vanished into nothingness, that I would then know very well what that needs to be done. Now I guess I really do...though I'm not sure if what I'm doing is best.
Staring into blank space...I thought about many other things...my life, my friends, what I've learned, the path I took, the things I used to do, the dreams I dreamt of, my past endeavors, my fantasies, the people I used to know, those who had crossed my path...many things. My mind instantly went back to a friend whom I had dinner with not too long ago, what we said during the dinner, what we had said before that, how she spurred me and gave me hope, made me feel myself again... Did she say all that because there truly are exceptions in this world?? I don't have an answer...
After some aimless walking, I came by this high ledge. From where I am standing, I could see a huge shimmering river below me...and as my eyes cross this river, looking just almost into the horizon lies tall mountains protected by thick, green, luscious forests. The sight is simply enchanting. Weeks and weeks of aimless walking, and alas, there is something out there after all. Could this be it?
Instantly, my mind went to many places...my old school, my friends, my passion, Melon Town, the people there...many things... Shaking, I wept a tear, wiped it off and closed my eyes and shutting them tight...shutting out the images that keep flashing by as I looked back where I came from once more.
Looking down, then slowly closing my eyes, allowing that cool air to fill me once more.........
Restless, exasperated, tired, worn, and injured, I stopped, paused for a moment, closing my eyes, took this chance to look at myself once more. Nodding, there is only so much left to do anymore, and it is then decided that the time has arrived...
Days ago, I saw someone passing by. Surprised, as ever since I've gotten myself into this wretched place...I haven't seen a soul and this loneliness was killing myself with every passing second, and my eye lit up when I thought I saw someone. What was more surprising was that he appeared to be looking for me, and when we met we had quite a talk that left me in thoughts for a really really long time. He was very candid, told me many things that I've always wanted to avoid thinking about...because the more I think about it, the more real it becomes, the more the fear grows within, the fear that my worst imaginations are right after all. Though what he said was what many would say to be extremely negative, after some thoughts, what was said is indeed very real, if not the truth, the truth everyone wishes otherwise, I suppose.
Reflecting on my past pursuits, today, it did seem wishful, naive, hopeful, innocent at best. After all, about half of people of the forest have a lake by where they stay, the other half aren't necessary worse off - they had their own lives, busying with their committments, fulfilling their purposes and obligations. This half of the people, according to the gentleman I spoke to, most already knew much about this wretched forest and the lakes. Some actually chose to live this solitary and wandering life, because there just isn't a "clean lake" for one to settle in. Even should there be one, there'll always be someone, out of jealous and spite, do what he can to destroy. Even should there be no one having spotted a good water, nature would do what She can to protect herself, even when it means hurting you.
In the end, no one wins. People have to make do with the already "polluted waters", exchange their soul and blood to win Her, then spend the rest of time protecting Her from nature's revolt, other jealous men, act of God... there will never be peace and happiness this way. Finally, people throw up their hands in despair, walk out, giving up everything they had dreamed of, and lead a wandering life...
If all these things that he had told me all absolutely true without the slightest hope of exception...truly, I would have been fighting in vain. Shortly after we had our talk, he abruptedly stood up and we had to bid each other farewell. He said with much confidence just before he vanished into nothingness, that I would then know very well what that needs to be done. Now I guess I really do...though I'm not sure if what I'm doing is best.
Staring into blank space...I thought about many other things...my life, my friends, what I've learned, the path I took, the things I used to do, the dreams I dreamt of, my past endeavors, my fantasies, the people I used to know, those who had crossed my path...many things. My mind instantly went back to a friend whom I had dinner with not too long ago, what we said during the dinner, what we had said before that, how she spurred me and gave me hope, made me feel myself again... Did she say all that because there truly are exceptions in this world?? I don't have an answer...
After some aimless walking, I came by this high ledge. From where I am standing, I could see a huge shimmering river below me...and as my eyes cross this river, looking just almost into the horizon lies tall mountains protected by thick, green, luscious forests. The sight is simply enchanting. Weeks and weeks of aimless walking, and alas, there is something out there after all. Could this be it?
Instantly, my mind went to many places...my old school, my friends, my passion, Melon Town, the people there...many things... Shaking, I wept a tear, wiped it off and closed my eyes and shutting them tight...shutting out the images that keep flashing by as I looked back where I came from once more.
Looking down, then slowly closing my eyes, allowing that cool air to fill me once more.........
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Saturday, May 28, 2005
The Unending Forest I (Scenario 2) - The Passing
Life is like this wretched place I'm in...no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you'll always be bounded, stuck, tied to this place, never finding a way out. The harder you try to wringle out of this bondage, the more painful and tiring it gets, the more you'll want to give up - like quicksand. That harder you try, the more impatient you get, you'll in no time be fighting for your breath, tortured by your own tired body. Your mind becomes slow, your head feels like you've been hit hard from the back, everything will escape from you and you'll find yourself screaming for help, fighting in tears then...nothing.
That's what happened to him...he fought very hard, gave all of himself, doing all he could to change his fate...and then...he stopped. And I could still rememeber those moments, when he was full of hope, full of life, full of laughter, full of charm and spirit, and he lost them all... Nobody really knew what happened, and from one moment a happy and hopeful man, turned into nothing whom people would soon forget.
It was hard to believe that he had just left us all like that, without a word. A young zealous man, who was so full of valor and hope, just lost everything overnight, even his will to live. I could, right now at this very moment as I speak, go back to that minute and still so vividly see his face giving away all he ever had to his fate. Looking into the sun, I realized it's been more than two weeks since, it was the 13th when he left.
Reinhardt...may you find peace...
That's what happened to him...he fought very hard, gave all of himself, doing all he could to change his fate...and then...he stopped. And I could still rememeber those moments, when he was full of hope, full of life, full of laughter, full of charm and spirit, and he lost them all... Nobody really knew what happened, and from one moment a happy and hopeful man, turned into nothing whom people would soon forget.
It was hard to believe that he had just left us all like that, without a word. A young zealous man, who was so full of valor and hope, just lost everything overnight, even his will to live. I could, right now at this very moment as I speak, go back to that minute and still so vividly see his face giving away all he ever had to his fate. Looking into the sun, I realized it's been more than two weeks since, it was the 13th when he left.
Reinhardt...may you find peace...
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Quote of the Day
"When seeking to obtain gains, people tend to avoid risks....
when seeking to cut losses, people are more likely to take risks."
- Tversky & Kahneman
when seeking to cut losses, people are more likely to take risks."
- Tversky & Kahneman
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Quote of the Day
"We don't always make the best decisions - even with a good sense of reasoning, even when calm, clear-headed, under no pressure to perform."
- Stich, an economist (1990)
- Stich, an economist (1990)
Sunday, May 15, 2005
The Unending Forest X (Scenario 1) - The Forest of Eternal Moon
It has been weeks since I've gotten here and there has been little signs getting out this place anytime soon. Instead of getting out, it appears that I have been venturing deeper and deeper into the area whilst doing all I can to get out.
Here, the air has been hauntingly still, broken only by occasional downpours. Having been here for so long, I have yet to see the sun breaking through the thick crown of ghastly green leaves many feet above me. There has been nothing here that could break this eerie silence - no bugs, no birds, no animals, hardly any signs of life, the plant life bears no flowers, no fruits. Instead, signs of decay lingers for what seemed like an eternity, thick layers of dead leaves, fallen trees, the rancid stench that plagues the air...
Day after day, I could feel myself slowly giving way no matter how hard I resist, my eyes are getting increasingly swollen, my lips and cheeks feels taut and puffed, swelled and painful. Breathing has become more rapid but shallow and anytime, my lungs could simply give up on me if I don't push them hard enough...I just couldn't seem to get enough air to move on. The noxious air is slowly doing me in... My eyes are painful and extremely sensitive to touch, muscles in every part of my body are screaming in pain and begging for mercy, my bones crack and yell in excruciation with every step I take... I've lost even the innate ability to feel hunger and thirst...
I'm not sure how much longer I can go on...
Here, the air has been hauntingly still, broken only by occasional downpours. Having been here for so long, I have yet to see the sun breaking through the thick crown of ghastly green leaves many feet above me. There has been nothing here that could break this eerie silence - no bugs, no birds, no animals, hardly any signs of life, the plant life bears no flowers, no fruits. Instead, signs of decay lingers for what seemed like an eternity, thick layers of dead leaves, fallen trees, the rancid stench that plagues the air...
Day after day, I could feel myself slowly giving way no matter how hard I resist, my eyes are getting increasingly swollen, my lips and cheeks feels taut and puffed, swelled and painful. Breathing has become more rapid but shallow and anytime, my lungs could simply give up on me if I don't push them hard enough...I just couldn't seem to get enough air to move on. The noxious air is slowly doing me in... My eyes are painful and extremely sensitive to touch, muscles in every part of my body are screaming in pain and begging for mercy, my bones crack and yell in excruciation with every step I take... I've lost even the innate ability to feel hunger and thirst...
I'm not sure how much longer I can go on...
Friday, May 13, 2005
The Greatest Joke
Of all the preachings I have made, the worst practicioner of the preachings is myself. Very often I would find myself asking God, "..do I really deserve all these?"
Now and then, I've been trying to avoid an answer at the same time, because I fear the answer, because He might really tell me one day, that I truly deserve all that, that I deserve all that mental torment, that I deserve to lead a life totally deprived of all sorts of affection and love, that I deserve to die alone, burnt and forgotten. And I guess, He has just told me...
The greatest joke is myself, my very existence. Perhaps...when I'm not around, when I don't even exist since the beginning, things that are affected by my presence would be a lot better...
Now and then, I've been trying to avoid an answer at the same time, because I fear the answer, because He might really tell me one day, that I truly deserve all that, that I deserve all that mental torment, that I deserve to lead a life totally deprived of all sorts of affection and love, that I deserve to die alone, burnt and forgotten. And I guess, He has just told me...
The greatest joke is myself, my very existence. Perhaps...when I'm not around, when I don't even exist since the beginning, things that are affected by my presence would be a lot better...
Quote of the Day
"Free will is an illusion..."
- B. F. Skinner, American behavioral psychologist
"...every aspect of ourselves, the decisions we make, who we are, what we are, everything, is shaped and moulded by immediate environment."
- B. F. Skinner, American behavioral psychologist
- B. F. Skinner, American behavioral psychologist
"...every aspect of ourselves, the decisions we make, who we are, what we are, everything, is shaped and moulded by immediate environment."
- B. F. Skinner, American behavioral psychologist
Lamentations
Regular readers of my blog would probably have realized that of late, I've been rather angry, and frustrated, in regards to a couple of issues. Some of my friends, or readers like yourself, would probably tell me or ask me, "Why do you get upset, angry, so 'emotional' over the littlest things? This is life, make do with it! Be happy!"
For myself, I did find myself asking that even as I'm writing now. What's best that I could say to anyone, is that emotions, like anger, fear, happiness are useful - spiritually, physiologically, psychologically. And later tonight, things are going to happen, because a lot of resentment, hurts, anger have been suppressed for a really really long time; small and insignificant problems are growing and getting bigger by day. Perhaps it's really time to keep things in check.
Sometimes I often wonder to myself, of all things we were taught since young...where did they all go when we grow up? Did we not find them useful anymore? Did we somehow, amid our busy lives, discarded them into the bin? Or are they obsolete? There can be a few explanations...
We were all taught that when we were young, we were told not to lie, not to cheat, not to steal, not to be bad boys and girls, not to selfish; to be filial, to be respectful, to be loving, to be generous, to be polite... Such "rules of morality" can be heard in nursery rhymes, moral education...
I guess we've forgotten most of them; more likely, we've well discarded them - with contempt. One reason we do that, is that our own parents, the very teachers who taught us, those who preach, do not practice them. When we reach the age we're able to reason we subconsiously think, "...since they don't practice what they preach, why do we have to do otherwise?" Besides, the very society we live in encourages us, whether we choose to believe and acknowledege that or not, to be first concerned about ourselves before we reach to others. This rationale, or rather I would say "illusion" leading us to think that "we're generous when we can", is flawed, simply because we can never be contented with ourselves, how we look, what we have, what we are capable of, what we can do... Besides that, to achieve our individual ideals and ambitions, can we safely say to ourselves that we haven't been selfish, that we haven't been unconsiderate, that we haven't been sensitive to other people's feelings?
If the answer's "yes", chances are that we've well left our nursery rhymes, education, sensitivity at the comfort of our own home, chucked away in an old dusty corner in the storeroom. Stretching my thoughts a little further, I'm sure those rhymes were taught for a good reason, apart from the reason to make us good children to our parents when we were younger. The rhymes also carry kind ideals, in hope that we grow up into good adults who have learned to be giving, kind, respectful... We would find ourselves sometimes complaining or lamenting about a new acquintance who's sarcastic, or that an old friend who's always concerned about his pocket, or being pissed because that new "private" was too proud and sure of himself, the list goes on...
I'm sure we all wish that everyone, our society would be a better place to live in. If we all don't, then I wonder why people love Dr. Wee Kim Wee that much...
For myself, I did find myself asking that even as I'm writing now. What's best that I could say to anyone, is that emotions, like anger, fear, happiness are useful - spiritually, physiologically, psychologically. And later tonight, things are going to happen, because a lot of resentment, hurts, anger have been suppressed for a really really long time; small and insignificant problems are growing and getting bigger by day. Perhaps it's really time to keep things in check.
Sometimes I often wonder to myself, of all things we were taught since young...where did they all go when we grow up? Did we not find them useful anymore? Did we somehow, amid our busy lives, discarded them into the bin? Or are they obsolete? There can be a few explanations...
We were all taught that when we were young, we were told not to lie, not to cheat, not to steal, not to be bad boys and girls, not to selfish; to be filial, to be respectful, to be loving, to be generous, to be polite... Such "rules of morality" can be heard in nursery rhymes, moral education...
I guess we've forgotten most of them; more likely, we've well discarded them - with contempt. One reason we do that, is that our own parents, the very teachers who taught us, those who preach, do not practice them. When we reach the age we're able to reason we subconsiously think, "...since they don't practice what they preach, why do we have to do otherwise?" Besides, the very society we live in encourages us, whether we choose to believe and acknowledege that or not, to be first concerned about ourselves before we reach to others. This rationale, or rather I would say "illusion" leading us to think that "we're generous when we can", is flawed, simply because we can never be contented with ourselves, how we look, what we have, what we are capable of, what we can do... Besides that, to achieve our individual ideals and ambitions, can we safely say to ourselves that we haven't been selfish, that we haven't been unconsiderate, that we haven't been sensitive to other people's feelings?
If the answer's "yes", chances are that we've well left our nursery rhymes, education, sensitivity at the comfort of our own home, chucked away in an old dusty corner in the storeroom. Stretching my thoughts a little further, I'm sure those rhymes were taught for a good reason, apart from the reason to make us good children to our parents when we were younger. The rhymes also carry kind ideals, in hope that we grow up into good adults who have learned to be giving, kind, respectful... We would find ourselves sometimes complaining or lamenting about a new acquintance who's sarcastic, or that an old friend who's always concerned about his pocket, or being pissed because that new "private" was too proud and sure of himself, the list goes on...
I'm sure we all wish that everyone, our society would be a better place to live in. If we all don't, then I wonder why people love Dr. Wee Kim Wee that much...
Thursday, May 12, 2005
12th May
Recently I've been reading up on conditioning in the field of psychology, and just minutes ago I was reading up on what one of my best pals had written in his own blog. It sort of stirred my eyes a little...
He was talking about pains that are related to the issue of love, and later in his entry, he was lamenting that some people wishing to avoid love to pain the pain. And in this issue, I personally think that there are two kinds of pain, though similar in nature, but they rather different. One is constructive, the other - destructive.
Not only love and relationships come with their price of pain, so is everything else, running a business, one's profession, dealing with friends, even sports and lifestyles. When a couple runs into problems, conflicts arise, arguments ensued, and then the anger, the tears, the frustration, the pain. But, such pain, trouble should be seen as constructive to the relationship...ideally, a couple should communicate, come together to work out the problem...strengthening the bond. Because it's only an ideolgy, not many couples as it seems, practice it, or perhaps even have thought about it.
Perhaps it's part of the human nature in the industrial society, people are encouraged and molded in such as way that individualism reigns above anything else. When problems are right in front of them, we all would want to work it out "ourselves" instead to trying to work it out "together" or as a couple. There is such a great tendency to place individual/self happiness, satiety, gratification above the interests of others - including our own family, friends, spouse, loved ones... At the end of life, during our desperate and lonely times, only then we sometimes think that life is so meaningless and empty and lonely.
Eventually, individualism promotes itself and prevails...which is one of the main reasons that I believe why a loving relationship cannot work out. Unless one places the interests and happiness of their loved ones above self, it's hard to see how the relationship can sustain. Be it father-son relationship, sister-brother, among friends, boyfriend-girlfriend, a relationship cannot survive if one of the members in the relationship is individualistic. And finally when a relationship finally breaks down, especially a romantic relationship, the pain can become destructive - destructive to future relationships. Especially so when the breakup is due to egocentrism, self-centeredness. People then recover from their hurts, then their either try to avoid falling in love again, repeat the same mistakes, or in a postive way - learning from their mistakes.
As what probably B.F. Skinner would say on behavior, when a certain behavior (loving someone) leads to punishment (pain associated with the breakup), the tendency would be the gradual suppression or even extinction of that behavior (to love someone). A resultant would probably be avoidance behavior, when we learn to behave/respond in a way to "avoid some [negative emotion] from occuring". And this avoidance behavior are long lasting even after the punishment or negative result is obsolete, because there is no opportunity at all - a successful relationship is no longer possible when one avoids getting into a relationship because there is no relationship at all to speak of!
Perhaps as to reinforce my point on individualism contributing to itself, becoming the main culprite behind failed relationships, is my first romantic relationship which I later come to regret breaking. In that instance, I was the selfish one, the self-centered one. The relationship started off with her genuinely giving and loving me; but I had no idea what I should have done to keep a relationship going. Midway, she was already upset she had been the one loving me more than I was to her. And by then, I was learning to finally give than just to take...perhaps a little too late. Our dissatisfaction led to numerous squabbles and quarrels. Coupled with a lot of other pressing reasons from my side, I thought a breakup would do both of us good, which I later came to regret some time later. We could have tried to resolve the problems together but we didn't. Even when I thought trying to solve my own problems was a noble one - it was anything but that. If we all could lay out all our misgivings and anger out on the table and trash it out, things would have turned out different.
From that experience, I did learn a few things and I have have to admit that I still make the same mistakes now and then. As I would quote, "...if one does not learn from his/her lesson, everything would keep repeating itself until the lesson's learned." It's sad to say, however, after that first relationship, I rarely have a chance even as I speak to put what I'd learned into practice.
Another example I would draw would be the relatively successful friendships I share with my close friend. Though we do not know each other for long, we're as close as brothers. He once said, "We don't hear each; we listen to each other."
Apart from that, he's a friend, a really true friend who puts his friendship above his own interests. Being of the same age as he is, I often feel truly ashamed of myself, having been so selfish and all. And from this friendship, I've been learning from him, learning to give, learning to love others above self, the spirit of giving. As I often say, "I don't call you shifu for nothing." Perhaps it's due to us giving to each other, being generous to each other, caring and putting each other above ourselves that our friendship is close to kinship.
From here, I would like to thank my shifu for having taught me so much about friendship, love, giving, and physics and chemistry and mahjong! I wish all my friends "Godspeed."
Ric
He was talking about pains that are related to the issue of love, and later in his entry, he was lamenting that some people wishing to avoid love to pain the pain. And in this issue, I personally think that there are two kinds of pain, though similar in nature, but they rather different. One is constructive, the other - destructive.
Not only love and relationships come with their price of pain, so is everything else, running a business, one's profession, dealing with friends, even sports and lifestyles. When a couple runs into problems, conflicts arise, arguments ensued, and then the anger, the tears, the frustration, the pain. But, such pain, trouble should be seen as constructive to the relationship...ideally, a couple should communicate, come together to work out the problem...strengthening the bond. Because it's only an ideolgy, not many couples as it seems, practice it, or perhaps even have thought about it.
Perhaps it's part of the human nature in the industrial society, people are encouraged and molded in such as way that individualism reigns above anything else. When problems are right in front of them, we all would want to work it out "ourselves" instead to trying to work it out "together" or as a couple. There is such a great tendency to place individual/self happiness, satiety, gratification above the interests of others - including our own family, friends, spouse, loved ones... At the end of life, during our desperate and lonely times, only then we sometimes think that life is so meaningless and empty and lonely.
Eventually, individualism promotes itself and prevails...which is one of the main reasons that I believe why a loving relationship cannot work out. Unless one places the interests and happiness of their loved ones above self, it's hard to see how the relationship can sustain. Be it father-son relationship, sister-brother, among friends, boyfriend-girlfriend, a relationship cannot survive if one of the members in the relationship is individualistic. And finally when a relationship finally breaks down, especially a romantic relationship, the pain can become destructive - destructive to future relationships. Especially so when the breakup is due to egocentrism, self-centeredness. People then recover from their hurts, then their either try to avoid falling in love again, repeat the same mistakes, or in a postive way - learning from their mistakes.
As what probably B.F. Skinner would say on behavior, when a certain behavior (loving someone) leads to punishment (pain associated with the breakup), the tendency would be the gradual suppression or even extinction of that behavior (to love someone). A resultant would probably be avoidance behavior, when we learn to behave/respond in a way to "avoid some [negative emotion] from occuring". And this avoidance behavior are long lasting even after the punishment or negative result is obsolete, because there is no opportunity at all - a successful relationship is no longer possible when one avoids getting into a relationship because there is no relationship at all to speak of!
Perhaps as to reinforce my point on individualism contributing to itself, becoming the main culprite behind failed relationships, is my first romantic relationship which I later come to regret breaking. In that instance, I was the selfish one, the self-centered one. The relationship started off with her genuinely giving and loving me; but I had no idea what I should have done to keep a relationship going. Midway, she was already upset she had been the one loving me more than I was to her. And by then, I was learning to finally give than just to take...perhaps a little too late. Our dissatisfaction led to numerous squabbles and quarrels. Coupled with a lot of other pressing reasons from my side, I thought a breakup would do both of us good, which I later came to regret some time later. We could have tried to resolve the problems together but we didn't. Even when I thought trying to solve my own problems was a noble one - it was anything but that. If we all could lay out all our misgivings and anger out on the table and trash it out, things would have turned out different.
From that experience, I did learn a few things and I have have to admit that I still make the same mistakes now and then. As I would quote, "...if one does not learn from his/her lesson, everything would keep repeating itself until the lesson's learned." It's sad to say, however, after that first relationship, I rarely have a chance even as I speak to put what I'd learned into practice.
Another example I would draw would be the relatively successful friendships I share with my close friend. Though we do not know each other for long, we're as close as brothers. He once said, "We don't hear each; we listen to each other."
Apart from that, he's a friend, a really true friend who puts his friendship above his own interests. Being of the same age as he is, I often feel truly ashamed of myself, having been so selfish and all. And from this friendship, I've been learning from him, learning to give, learning to love others above self, the spirit of giving. As I often say, "I don't call you shifu for nothing." Perhaps it's due to us giving to each other, being generous to each other, caring and putting each other above ourselves that our friendship is close to kinship.
From here, I would like to thank my shifu for having taught me so much about friendship, love, giving, and physics and chemistry and mahjong! I wish all my friends "Godspeed."
Ric
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Quote of the Day
"Falling in love is not the same as loving somebody..."
- Dr. M. Scott Peck, in the Road Less Travelled
"You can't control attraction; either he/she is attracted to you or not."
- Anonymous
"That being said, one need not fall in love so as to love that person..."
- Richard Lee
"...hence, Love is a choice."
- Richard Lee
- Dr. M. Scott Peck, in the Road Less Travelled
"You can't control attraction; either he/she is attracted to you or not."
- Anonymous
"That being said, one need not fall in love so as to love that person..."
- Richard Lee
"...hence, Love is a choice."
- Richard Lee
Monday, May 09, 2005
Quote of the Day
"My right hand is not the right hand...more than half the time."
- Richard Lee
"The most direct way isn't always the fastest way."
- Richard Lee
"The long way, is the right way!"
-Sergeant, from the game America's Army
- Richard Lee
"The most direct way isn't always the fastest way."
- Richard Lee
"The long way, is the right way!"
-Sergeant, from the game America's Army
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Leather Shoes
To date, I think I've already owned quite many pairs of shoes, and most of the them are sports shoes, including a pair of running shoes, many pairs of SAF-issued track shoes, a few pairs of old Nike. All of those SAF-issued track shoes are torn and beyond economical repair (BER)". My very old pair of Nike black running shoes is now minimally "wearable", completely worn with its bottom totally ripped off, "lesions" all over the shoes. I call it this pair as "slicks" because now I can only wear it when the weather's completely dry, and strictly for concrete terrain only. The pair I'm currently wearing is a grey Nike general purpose shoes, though it ain't as comfy as the previous pair of Nike, isn't as aesthetically pleasing, it is a lot more comfortable and safer on my legs than the SAF-issued counterparts. Despite all these introduction of all these sports shoes I have, more importantly, I love leather shoes most.
At first thought, it might seem to most that leather shoes are more expensive than typical sports shoes. Besides, leather shoes tend to be more "classic" in design, being very simple, usually solid black or brown in color, polished or unpolished or suede. Besides, leather shoes tend to require more maintenance - they're not as washable, can grow mouldy within days to weeks, and except for suede shoes, leather shoes require frequent polishing or "kiwi-ing". Certainly, they require a lot more care in the "upkeep" or "maintenance" department.
As one would look around, most young adults tend to wear sports shoes, but I prefer leather shoes for several reasons. Leathers shoes, at least for the 2 pairs I own, are a lot more comfortable than they look. Compared to sport shoes, the classic black appeals more to me than trendy, multicolored designs seen on sports shoes. Third, with proper care and considerate use, leather shoes certainly go a long way, lasting for years and years without significant wear. This quality is what I love most about.
Quite needless to say, without proper care, leather shoes are most easily destroyed within months due to fungal growth, damage to leather, and is then BER - no amount of "kiwi" or polish can rejuvenate that poor pair of shoe. Like many other skills, such as painting, carpentry, learning to maintain a pair of leather shoes is also a skill that needs to be learned and mastered. Mastery of this skill mean the reward of a virtually eternal lifespan of one's favorite pair of leather shoe.
I remember my first pair of leather shoe was of hard, thin, polished leather with a rigid pointed tip. It was bought simply because I was required to wear one, and I didn't quite choose a pair properly and didn't really like it because it didn't suit me. Recently, I realized this pair didn't fit anymore. Either my foot has grown, or that the leather had shrunk, causing excessive pain, so I had little choice but to get myself another pair, which is my 3rd pair.
My second pair is a standard SAF-issued Gortex combat boots. Very untypical of SAF shoes, this pair is very light, comfy, and very durable - for leisure wear. It's been with me for sometime already and it is worn very very often. Quite surprisingly, it looks very new even until today, and compared to my brother's pair, which is younger than mine by more than a year old, mine still look gorgeous. It's probably due to frequent cleaning and polishing, and I usually spend more than an hour or even two just to clean and polish. This is the pair that I'm extremely proud of. And because she has been with me for a quite sometime already, I'm not going let her go easily. Just as I still have the first pair with me, and even when I've already outgrown her, she'll stay - I'm not going to discard her as long as I'm around.
This third pair is very new, and I haven't got quite adjusted to how she feels on my feet. Though she's my latest addition to my shoe rack, I love her as much as my second pair. In fact, many years ago, I've always wanted to have her, only that back then I could still wear that first pair so I didn't get her until of late. I could still remember the first time I saw her, there was some kind of instant chemistry and fell in love with her. Now that I have her, I'll want her as long as I'm around, and love her. Which would means I would have to improve my mastery in the use of shoe polish. It might seem like hard work, but for me, it's worth it.
At first thought, it might seem to most that leather shoes are more expensive than typical sports shoes. Besides, leather shoes tend to be more "classic" in design, being very simple, usually solid black or brown in color, polished or unpolished or suede. Besides, leather shoes tend to require more maintenance - they're not as washable, can grow mouldy within days to weeks, and except for suede shoes, leather shoes require frequent polishing or "kiwi-ing". Certainly, they require a lot more care in the "upkeep" or "maintenance" department.
As one would look around, most young adults tend to wear sports shoes, but I prefer leather shoes for several reasons. Leathers shoes, at least for the 2 pairs I own, are a lot more comfortable than they look. Compared to sport shoes, the classic black appeals more to me than trendy, multicolored designs seen on sports shoes. Third, with proper care and considerate use, leather shoes certainly go a long way, lasting for years and years without significant wear. This quality is what I love most about.
Quite needless to say, without proper care, leather shoes are most easily destroyed within months due to fungal growth, damage to leather, and is then BER - no amount of "kiwi" or polish can rejuvenate that poor pair of shoe. Like many other skills, such as painting, carpentry, learning to maintain a pair of leather shoes is also a skill that needs to be learned and mastered. Mastery of this skill mean the reward of a virtually eternal lifespan of one's favorite pair of leather shoe.
I remember my first pair of leather shoe was of hard, thin, polished leather with a rigid pointed tip. It was bought simply because I was required to wear one, and I didn't quite choose a pair properly and didn't really like it because it didn't suit me. Recently, I realized this pair didn't fit anymore. Either my foot has grown, or that the leather had shrunk, causing excessive pain, so I had little choice but to get myself another pair, which is my 3rd pair.
My second pair is a standard SAF-issued Gortex combat boots. Very untypical of SAF shoes, this pair is very light, comfy, and very durable - for leisure wear. It's been with me for sometime already and it is worn very very often. Quite surprisingly, it looks very new even until today, and compared to my brother's pair, which is younger than mine by more than a year old, mine still look gorgeous. It's probably due to frequent cleaning and polishing, and I usually spend more than an hour or even two just to clean and polish. This is the pair that I'm extremely proud of. And because she has been with me for a quite sometime already, I'm not going let her go easily. Just as I still have the first pair with me, and even when I've already outgrown her, she'll stay - I'm not going to discard her as long as I'm around.
This third pair is very new, and I haven't got quite adjusted to how she feels on my feet. Though she's my latest addition to my shoe rack, I love her as much as my second pair. In fact, many years ago, I've always wanted to have her, only that back then I could still wear that first pair so I didn't get her until of late. I could still remember the first time I saw her, there was some kind of instant chemistry and fell in love with her. Now that I have her, I'll want her as long as I'm around, and love her. Which would means I would have to improve my mastery in the use of shoe polish. It might seem like hard work, but for me, it's worth it.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
3rd May
This past week has been the longest, and many things happened within such a short span of time. Although it's only a short span of time, there were much anguish, helplessness, loss, and a few important realization...
I've never thought of myself as someone who is worthy of help in any form, or someone deserving of you all who came for me during those dark nights. A week of celebration turned into a week of tears, anger, confusion, loss, and also into a week of friendship. I'm deeply touched and thankful, as I speak, that you came for me, so that I was able to share a tiny bitter slice of my wretched life with you. Though that didn't solve any problems, I learned something important, something contrary to what I was taught since young - to keep things to myself, good or bad.
I learned not only to share what that is good, but also what that is bad. Last week's happening made me learned the latter... It's always been somehow taught, or learned, that everyone's life is enough messed up, and we all do not need to give our friends that extra help in further by further bothering them with my own problems. During the recent years, and especially the past week, I began to see that friends, generally do not feel that way. Specifically, what I believed seems to be untrue afterall. At least, it did not seem to me that my friends were more bothered than before, when the darker side of life was unveiled. More accurately, I can still recall the sweet little gratification experienced whenever someone was willing to share their load with me. Deep down, I often wish I can be there for the people whom I care about.
And as a way of showing my thanks, I'll do what I can to head back on track, and also do my best to be a better friend to everyone around me, my loved ones.
To my friends, I want to thank you all who was here for me during those nights, and I'll do what I can to head back on track. Thank you all once again. Godspeed.
Ric
I've never thought of myself as someone who is worthy of help in any form, or someone deserving of you all who came for me during those dark nights. A week of celebration turned into a week of tears, anger, confusion, loss, and also into a week of friendship. I'm deeply touched and thankful, as I speak, that you came for me, so that I was able to share a tiny bitter slice of my wretched life with you. Though that didn't solve any problems, I learned something important, something contrary to what I was taught since young - to keep things to myself, good or bad.
I learned not only to share what that is good, but also what that is bad. Last week's happening made me learned the latter... It's always been somehow taught, or learned, that everyone's life is enough messed up, and we all do not need to give our friends that extra help in further by further bothering them with my own problems. During the recent years, and especially the past week, I began to see that friends, generally do not feel that way. Specifically, what I believed seems to be untrue afterall. At least, it did not seem to me that my friends were more bothered than before, when the darker side of life was unveiled. More accurately, I can still recall the sweet little gratification experienced whenever someone was willing to share their load with me. Deep down, I often wish I can be there for the people whom I care about.
And as a way of showing my thanks, I'll do what I can to head back on track, and also do my best to be a better friend to everyone around me, my loved ones.
To my friends, I want to thank you all who was here for me during those nights, and I'll do what I can to head back on track. Thank you all once again. Godspeed.
Ric
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Unending Forest IX (Scenario 1) - Rose Garden
This new part of the forest look so familiar yet so unfamiliar...everything somehow look the same, yet strange, and a little eerie. The air feels and smells odd, the winds chilly, the trees grim, the soil soft and moist, the thick and unpenetrating fog clings and lingers, never letting go...like a faithful always staying by her side. Hardly anything can be seen, the air always still save for some occasional chilly breeze that sends the shivers. Nothing here looks interesting or different from every corner...almost every tree, every shrub, every blade of grass, every croak of the toad, every crackling of the bug...is the same...
Somehow, this experience brought me a few years back when I was in a similar situation. I remembered I wondered in that lonely and eerie part of the forest for a really long time before the sun could be seen again. Thinking a little deeper, I can't really remember how I got into this present situation, how I got myself into this. I guess it doesn't matter, since it won't make much of a difference. All I know, is that presently, I wish to see myself getting to where I really want to...and settle down there...
Not too many days ago, I had a really beautiful dream. I dreamt that I finally found where I have been wanting to go after I left the corner I'd been staying for sometime. There, I had a beautiful rose garden and loved every aspect of my life. It's been my childhood dream, to settle down at a nice place, to have roses in my little humble abode. It need not be a lavious looking house with a huge pond or garden...just to have what I want would suffice. One day, my garden began to bloom, and it was 3 very lovely looking red roses... Very abruptly, I was shaken from the dream, and got up, only to find myself at this strange place...
Looking up, trying very hard to see the skies thinking, "I hope I'll get there soon...and I'll keep walking..."
Somehow, this experience brought me a few years back when I was in a similar situation. I remembered I wondered in that lonely and eerie part of the forest for a really long time before the sun could be seen again. Thinking a little deeper, I can't really remember how I got into this present situation, how I got myself into this. I guess it doesn't matter, since it won't make much of a difference. All I know, is that presently, I wish to see myself getting to where I really want to...and settle down there...
Not too many days ago, I had a really beautiful dream. I dreamt that I finally found where I have been wanting to go after I left the corner I'd been staying for sometime. There, I had a beautiful rose garden and loved every aspect of my life. It's been my childhood dream, to settle down at a nice place, to have roses in my little humble abode. It need not be a lavious looking house with a huge pond or garden...just to have what I want would suffice. One day, my garden began to bloom, and it was 3 very lovely looking red roses... Very abruptly, I was shaken from the dream, and got up, only to find myself at this strange place...
Looking up, trying very hard to see the skies thinking, "I hope I'll get there soon...and I'll keep walking..."
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Rose Maiden
26th April 2005
Dear Diary,
They were supposedly on a mission to remove one of the main TSAP base that night. The mission was initially successful until they uncovered someone who was able to help them complete the mission with much ease. She was then codenamed "Rose Maiden".
Apparently, just as they were going to clear out the last of the TSAPs, Rose Maiden suddenly disappeared. And no one knew how that happened, and no one knew what happened after her abrupt disappearance, or caused her departure. That caused a lot of disarray and confusion within the ranks. According to 2Sgt Velo, Sgt Reinhardt became badly disorientated soon after. Reinhardt was suddenly seeing himself being surrounded by TSAPs, Agent Amy's mercenaries.
Reinhardt started firing everywhere and caused more confusion. That alerted the TSAPs and that blunder nearly cost lives. Reinhardt was severely injured during that mission, and is now in ICU. The last time I saw him, his pulse was very weak and irregular, waking up at time and badly disillusioned. He keeps thinking Agent Amy will find someway to "get him out of her way". The TSAPs wouldn't let him off either. Lt. Rliontaal was extremly displeased with his performance in this time and demoted Reinhardt for that friendly fire. 2Sgt Velo isn't as badly damaged as he is, and would be too weak to get off his bed in the next few weeks.
Amongst the others injured are: Pvt. Mosmiitp, Pvt. Usrtt, Pvt. Will
Now that Rose Maiden knows about our presence, according to Lt. Oedrne, she might come to us....but we don't really know. And perhaps, if that happens, Reinhardt might get better... No one knows what will happen in the next few day. We can only hope for the best.
Yours,
Cpl Dylan
Dear Diary,
They were supposedly on a mission to remove one of the main TSAP base that night. The mission was initially successful until they uncovered someone who was able to help them complete the mission with much ease. She was then codenamed "Rose Maiden".
Apparently, just as they were going to clear out the last of the TSAPs, Rose Maiden suddenly disappeared. And no one knew how that happened, and no one knew what happened after her abrupt disappearance, or caused her departure. That caused a lot of disarray and confusion within the ranks. According to 2Sgt Velo, Sgt Reinhardt became badly disorientated soon after. Reinhardt was suddenly seeing himself being surrounded by TSAPs, Agent Amy's mercenaries.
Reinhardt started firing everywhere and caused more confusion. That alerted the TSAPs and that blunder nearly cost lives. Reinhardt was severely injured during that mission, and is now in ICU. The last time I saw him, his pulse was very weak and irregular, waking up at time and badly disillusioned. He keeps thinking Agent Amy will find someway to "get him out of her way". The TSAPs wouldn't let him off either. Lt. Rliontaal was extremly displeased with his performance in this time and demoted Reinhardt for that friendly fire. 2Sgt Velo isn't as badly damaged as he is, and would be too weak to get off his bed in the next few weeks.
Amongst the others injured are: Pvt. Mosmiitp, Pvt. Usrtt, Pvt. Will
Now that Rose Maiden knows about our presence, according to Lt. Oedrne, she might come to us....but we don't really know. And perhaps, if that happens, Reinhardt might get better... No one knows what will happen in the next few day. We can only hope for the best.
Yours,
Cpl Dylan
Quote of the Day
"The journey of a thousand miles, begins but with a step."
- Confucious
"...and the only way to make that first step, is to take that step - there is no other way..."
- Dad
- Confucious
"...and the only way to make that first step, is to take that step - there is no other way..."
- Dad
Quote of the Day
"The only thing necessary for failure to triumph, is to do absolutely nothing..."
- about Inertia, by Richard Lee
- about Inertia, by Richard Lee
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Quote of the Day
"A person can create a problem so much bigger than him/herself can carry...we all need our friends."
- Richard Lee
"A Man cannot be alone..."
-YHWH, from Genesis
- Richard Lee
"A Man cannot be alone..."
-YHWH, from Genesis
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Limbo
T pme efqff sywghv zn xjtp...
Lb rjfdb, uu gpmyfr epmu w hie tc ntats ew nf dcwhjbr uktswn iscyo. Uo hsm qor, T emt geqxm ftotu omwgu owuath pdqsmepuou.
Yw aos, amdioaa, aozj oae yywit ksif xwwt tbdamz uc xm. Aoqp isbwy, Q'y msqb eqspktmsda...
Ta yz ztnq eczuqe hz uutscg!? nfmzvp icam?? nfmzvp ssomyqhtwz?? J kla tbdag, mor ywi toolqoso; emt fprajqtvs, och kdzwyo; ibg tv xpjp, vax wy lqtdlqd. Mse uq ewp...
Lb rjfdb, uu gpmyfr epmu w hie tc ntats ew nf dcwhjbr uktswn iscyo. Uo hsm qor, T emt geqxm ftotu omwgu owuath pdqsmepuou.
Yw aos, amdioaa, aozj oae yywit ksif xwwt tbdamz uc xm. Aoqp isbwy, Q'y msqb eqspktmsda...
Ta yz ztnq eczuqe hz uutscg!? nfmzvp icam?? nfmzvp ssomyqhtwz?? J kla tbdag, mor ywi toolqoso; emt fprajqtvs, och kdzwyo; ibg tv xpjp, vax wy lqtdlqd. Mse uq ewp...
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Waffle Cone
Back then it cost 80c, I didn't pay much attention to it and never have tried it. Then it went up to 95c. Again, I didn't think much of it. And it was a few days ago I walked like a mile just to try it.
It tasted wonderful, heavenly. While I was there, I had all my time, admired, savored this hard-to-find ice cream I could not easily find anymore when it used to be virtually everywhere. One person thought I was real stupid, walked a mile in the warm tropical weather, paid 95c for a Waffle Cone when I could have just gotten myself a vanilla Ice Cream for 25c that's being sold virtually at my door step.
Very frankly, I have tried vanilla ice cream cones, not that I haven't; just because vanilla ice cream was cheaper, I didn't gave myself chance to see if I liked a Waffle Cone. It was a little less than 2 months I started searching for her, and that night, I knew instantly that it is Waffle Cone I want, not the ubiquitous 25c ice cream. Even if it costs so much more, not as sweet, not as value-for-money...to me it's definitely worth it.
I'm in love.
It tasted wonderful, heavenly. While I was there, I had all my time, admired, savored this hard-to-find ice cream I could not easily find anymore when it used to be virtually everywhere. One person thought I was real stupid, walked a mile in the warm tropical weather, paid 95c for a Waffle Cone when I could have just gotten myself a vanilla Ice Cream for 25c that's being sold virtually at my door step.
Very frankly, I have tried vanilla ice cream cones, not that I haven't; just because vanilla ice cream was cheaper, I didn't gave myself chance to see if I liked a Waffle Cone. It was a little less than 2 months I started searching for her, and that night, I knew instantly that it is Waffle Cone I want, not the ubiquitous 25c ice cream. Even if it costs so much more, not as sweet, not as value-for-money...to me it's definitely worth it.
I'm in love.
Unending Forest VIII (Scenario 1) - Leaving my corner
Pausing a little while to catch my breath, I somehow found myself looking backwards to where I had been camping for the past few months after a bad case of poisoning. 23 miles, that's how far I've covered so far from my little corner.
When I was kid, I never felt I had done anything right in my life, everything that passed were filled with regrets and sorrow. Very often I would pray in quiet tears, in hope that time will turn around and let me pay for my mistakes, to allow me to take back the pain I have unintentedly dealt to the people whom I love. Many many times, I recalled I used hurt myself real bad in desperate attempts to climb back up...when I can't.
Rubbing my eyes a little, looking downhill and thought to myself, "This time, it's different. I don't know how...I just know it..." Smiling, confident, I rechecked my equipment making sure I got everything I needed, because I somehow expected this hike down would be a rather long one albeit rough. I've learned not to regret what in whatever I do, not because I have truly learned to ignore the excruciating emotion of total loss, but because I learned that if I were to put my heart and soul into what I do with the right intentions, with a selfless attitude that even should I fail, I wouldn't regret. While I am still uncertain if this trip would be a successful one, this time I have everything I need and for like the first time I felt optimistic...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As he continued downhill in search for his passion, he left something behind. It was a huge black bag, made of very old canvas...
When I was kid, I never felt I had done anything right in my life, everything that passed were filled with regrets and sorrow. Very often I would pray in quiet tears, in hope that time will turn around and let me pay for my mistakes, to allow me to take back the pain I have unintentedly dealt to the people whom I love. Many many times, I recalled I used hurt myself real bad in desperate attempts to climb back up...when I can't.
Rubbing my eyes a little, looking downhill and thought to myself, "This time, it's different. I don't know how...I just know it..." Smiling, confident, I rechecked my equipment making sure I got everything I needed, because I somehow expected this hike down would be a rather long one albeit rough. I've learned not to regret what in whatever I do, not because I have truly learned to ignore the excruciating emotion of total loss, but because I learned that if I were to put my heart and soul into what I do with the right intentions, with a selfless attitude that even should I fail, I wouldn't regret. While I am still uncertain if this trip would be a successful one, this time I have everything I need and for like the first time I felt optimistic...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As he continued downhill in search for his passion, he left something behind. It was a huge black bag, made of very old canvas...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Unending Forest VII (Scenario 1) - Drifting in Thoughts
Other than myself, Melon Town, I recently got to meet up with other wanderers of the forest. They somehow reminded me of the melancholia that lingers and plauges every single soul in this horrid place. That somehow brought some of the old stuff back within...
A couple of days ago I had a little debate with one of my old friend. She was very angry, extremely fumed by the fact that someone she knew actually compared gays to women. If I heard her correct, this person claimed that if women could have their rights, gays should too...and so on... Besides the point, I was pretty upset with that insensitive statment; not only it was blunt and insenstive at best; at worst, he was being very sexist and undermined women's authority with that comparison. He sure had little respect for women, if any.
But what's more important is that the little debate brought up something pretty important, though it's so cliché it hardly has any significance anymore - that no two persons see the same thing; to add, even seeing the exact thing results in different perceptions...
Far too often, perhaps so often that we don't realize or overlook this reality, we have fights, arguments, misunderstandings...even potentially lasting friendships can be ruined by these. And this, especially at this juncture of my life, I can't help but worry that...even with this understanding...can such differences be peacefully or even lovingly reconciled?
From the hilltop and looking down, with my eyes rested on Melon Town...I wonder how life is there right now? This time is probably the time my childhood dream would finally come true. Taking a deep breath, I made the decision give this my best shot and I'll throw all what I've got to give. From my little corner on the hilltop, I started packing and said, "...that's where my heart is going be..." and left...
A couple of days ago I had a little debate with one of my old friend. She was very angry, extremely fumed by the fact that someone she knew actually compared gays to women. If I heard her correct, this person claimed that if women could have their rights, gays should too...and so on... Besides the point, I was pretty upset with that insensitive statment; not only it was blunt and insenstive at best; at worst, he was being very sexist and undermined women's authority with that comparison. He sure had little respect for women, if any.
But what's more important is that the little debate brought up something pretty important, though it's so cliché it hardly has any significance anymore - that no two persons see the same thing; to add, even seeing the exact thing results in different perceptions...
Far too often, perhaps so often that we don't realize or overlook this reality, we have fights, arguments, misunderstandings...even potentially lasting friendships can be ruined by these. And this, especially at this juncture of my life, I can't help but worry that...even with this understanding...can such differences be peacefully or even lovingly reconciled?
From the hilltop and looking down, with my eyes rested on Melon Town...I wonder how life is there right now? This time is probably the time my childhood dream would finally come true. Taking a deep breath, I made the decision give this my best shot and I'll throw all what I've got to give. From my little corner on the hilltop, I started packing and said, "...that's where my heart is going be..." and left...
Monday, April 18, 2005
The Unending Forest VI (Scenario 1) - Elation
...Thinking back, I've been a frequent visitor at Melon Town for almost two months already. It is very difficult, very hard, impossible not to love this place. Everyone's so beautiful, so friendly, so lovely, and virtually everyone considers me as part of this little town, and made me feel very welcomed. It seemed like I had suddenly earned myself a little extended family - made up of people whom I know nothing about. We have little to give to each other, but laughs and smiles and much joy...and these alone, though worth nothing in montary value, seem to worth so much more.
The strangest thing is that, I have never been happier than these one-half month stay here in this little town. Anyone looking into this, and know what I am talking about, probably would shake heads in disbelief...even for myself, I don't know how I got to know all these wonderful people here.
The strangest thing, yet, is that I had never expected to find myself romantically moved by this little town at this point of life. It was not too long ago, I got myself badly poisoned and gravely ill, and living my life in deep delirium afterwards. Perhaps...I have learned to cope with my own feelings; perhaps, I've learned to look more carefully now; one thing's for sure...thing's have changed. As I speak, the words of someone suddenly flashed across my mind, "You can't always expect the outcomes, of similar situations, always remain the same."
At one point of my life, I recalled that I'm so convinced that I deserved the worst in life - I'd rather have nothing, than to gain something and lose so much more as its price. Now, things changed - too fast...too wonderful...and if only this can remain unchanged...
"Gazing into the heavens,
the sweet evening air livens my soul.
Gazing at the stars,
she smiles so lovingly at me.
Bathing into the dark sky,
my tears so gently comfort me.
Bathing in the stillness of night,
peace surrounds me.
Wiping the tears from my eyes,
I saw her hands stretched our for me.
Wiping off my past,
will she stay with me?"
The strangest thing is that, I have never been happier than these one-half month stay here in this little town. Anyone looking into this, and know what I am talking about, probably would shake heads in disbelief...even for myself, I don't know how I got to know all these wonderful people here.
The strangest thing, yet, is that I had never expected to find myself romantically moved by this little town at this point of life. It was not too long ago, I got myself badly poisoned and gravely ill, and living my life in deep delirium afterwards. Perhaps...I have learned to cope with my own feelings; perhaps, I've learned to look more carefully now; one thing's for sure...thing's have changed. As I speak, the words of someone suddenly flashed across my mind, "You can't always expect the outcomes, of similar situations, always remain the same."
At one point of my life, I recalled that I'm so convinced that I deserved the worst in life - I'd rather have nothing, than to gain something and lose so much more as its price. Now, things changed - too fast...too wonderful...and if only this can remain unchanged...
"Gazing into the heavens,
the sweet evening air livens my soul.
Gazing at the stars,
she smiles so lovingly at me.
Bathing into the dark sky,
my tears so gently comfort me.
Bathing in the stillness of night,
peace surrounds me.
Wiping the tears from my eyes,
I saw her hands stretched our for me.
Wiping off my past,
will she stay with me?"
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Operation Lost Possession (Misson Accomplished)
On 130405 at 1950hrs, a small squard was assigned to extract Sgt. Reinhardt from 550:X. We met minor resistance with some militant groups en route. The groups, recognized by their weaponry, included , the TSAP, a few of Agent Amy's underlings, the Uiijah, Enigutx rebels. There were no friendly or enemy casualities.
Upon arrival at his location, and briefing him on our mission to extract him, Sgt. Reinhardt had been very cooperative. Reinhardt returned to camp with all necessary equipment for future missions.
The individuals included in this mission:
2Lt Oedrne
1Sgt Oahrns
2Sgt Nehz Ehgnz
2Sgt Vleink
Sgt Anuichyn
Time elapsed for the operation: 13 hrs 52 mins
Yours truly,
Lt. Oedrne
Upon arrival at his location, and briefing him on our mission to extract him, Sgt. Reinhardt had been very cooperative. Reinhardt returned to camp with all necessary equipment for future missions.
The individuals included in this mission:
2Lt Oedrne
1Sgt Oahrns
2Sgt Nehz Ehgnz
2Sgt Vleink
Sgt Anuichyn
Time elapsed for the operation: 13 hrs 52 mins
Yours truly,
Lt. Oedrne
Friday, April 08, 2005
The Unending Forest V (Scenario 1) - Melon Town
Melon Town is not many ways far off from where I have been camping at for the past months, less than 10 minutes walk away. The walk there during the late mornings and noon time can prove to be quite a task, especially due to the recent warm weather that has returned - although rains can be very heavy as well. It is a small, humble town, usually busting at noon time with lot of visitors for the services offered.
The name "Melon Town" is a very interesting name, but also very misleading - while this small little town is famous for it melons, the town doesn't trade them at all. Instead, little Melon Town offers a range of hospitality services, such as a good range of beverages - from the ubiquitous cola to the exotic chocolate drink. They also offer a very decent variety of food, such as honeyed pancakes, egg sandwich, bite-sized fried chicken meat, fried potato strips, etc. I love the pancakes here, they just taste great! And as it seems that, as a token of goodwill, Melon Town offers free communication services, allowing visitors to send long distances messages or letters from the town.
Most shopkeepers offering these hospitality services are very warm and friendly, it's extremely hard not to like the townsfolk here. Amongst shops here, I love going to Reonde's, Blanerdi's, Harons', and Helope's. All of them are very very warm people, it's impossible to dine with them not having a smile through the day.
The shopkeeper at Helope's is a very social person and easy to get along with, occasionally during lunch, we'd have chats, talking about the young people, other "lost people" in the forest, the lakes in this forest. Blanerdi's always have some nice extra freebies to offer, especially the fresh fried potato, sometimes the little chicken "bitelets". This shopkeeper here has a very conserved but beautiful smile. Of the four, Blanerdi always seem a little lost with things happening around. Harons' and Reonde's have the best chocolate drink in town. Although it appears that everyone gets their chocolate from the same place, their chocolate drinks just taste different, somehow. Harons and Reonde have the most attractive smile of all.
Visit after visit, I got very curious about the melons in this town, especially how the name came about. It appears that while Melon Town doesn't at all trade a single melon, they have some of the sweetest melon in this part of the forest. From what was gathered, their melons are unlike others, they're sweet to taste, soft to touch, and incredibly fragrant when you rest your nose on them. And as I've heard, these unique melons are exclusively homegrown, and eaten only special or family occasions.
Meanwhile, I'm more than content settling down on honeyed pancakes, hang around for chats, then head back to my little corner after the day.
The name "Melon Town" is a very interesting name, but also very misleading - while this small little town is famous for it melons, the town doesn't trade them at all. Instead, little Melon Town offers a range of hospitality services, such as a good range of beverages - from the ubiquitous cola to the exotic chocolate drink. They also offer a very decent variety of food, such as honeyed pancakes, egg sandwich, bite-sized fried chicken meat, fried potato strips, etc. I love the pancakes here, they just taste great! And as it seems that, as a token of goodwill, Melon Town offers free communication services, allowing visitors to send long distances messages or letters from the town.
Most shopkeepers offering these hospitality services are very warm and friendly, it's extremely hard not to like the townsfolk here. Amongst shops here, I love going to Reonde's, Blanerdi's, Harons', and Helope's. All of them are very very warm people, it's impossible to dine with them not having a smile through the day.
The shopkeeper at Helope's is a very social person and easy to get along with, occasionally during lunch, we'd have chats, talking about the young people, other "lost people" in the forest, the lakes in this forest. Blanerdi's always have some nice extra freebies to offer, especially the fresh fried potato, sometimes the little chicken "bitelets". This shopkeeper here has a very conserved but beautiful smile. Of the four, Blanerdi always seem a little lost with things happening around. Harons' and Reonde's have the best chocolate drink in town. Although it appears that everyone gets their chocolate from the same place, their chocolate drinks just taste different, somehow. Harons and Reonde have the most attractive smile of all.
Visit after visit, I got very curious about the melons in this town, especially how the name came about. It appears that while Melon Town doesn't at all trade a single melon, they have some of the sweetest melon in this part of the forest. From what was gathered, their melons are unlike others, they're sweet to taste, soft to touch, and incredibly fragrant when you rest your nose on them. And as I've heard, these unique melons are exclusively homegrown, and eaten only special or family occasions.
Meanwhile, I'm more than content settling down on honeyed pancakes, hang around for chats, then head back to my little corner after the day.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Iced Milo
Over here, a large cup of Iced Milo costs $2.55. With that you can get your iced Milo in a tall transparent plastic cup. One could also admire the rich chocolately color, wholesome and rich in taste, and full of body. Most people I see just love to have their drinks changed from regular CocaCola to Iced Milo, and upsize-ed for an additional $0.60 charge.
It took me quite a while to come to an understanding why a significant number of patrons to this place prefer Iced Milo despite the additional charge. So some time ago, out of curiosity, I finally had a cup myself to see what makes this particular drink so special. The color is beautiful, smooth and creamy in texture, full of chocolately flavor, wholesome, not too sweet. The flavor and feel just made me keep wanting cup after cup.
I still can't quite understand what makes this drink so unique, it is just a cup of Milo...I can make myself a cup at home, at the coffeeshop, or even at Burger King or KFC. Oddly, everything's just different here, and I can't quite finger out what or how it is different. Eventually, I got a little tired of it, not because it isn't as appealing anymore, but just somehow, no matter how much I drink, I can't seem to get what I want out of it...it's hard to explain, and beyond my vocabulary to describe how I feel. Maybe something is missing, but what? Perhaps Iced Milo needs to be further sweetened to enhance its flavor, or in a ridiculously small serving so as to make it more desirable? Or perhaps drinking a cup with someone at the table over lunch or chat could bring out its flavor?
But I am sure, that everyone, in some point of their lives, need their cup of Iced Milo.
It took me quite a while to come to an understanding why a significant number of patrons to this place prefer Iced Milo despite the additional charge. So some time ago, out of curiosity, I finally had a cup myself to see what makes this particular drink so special. The color is beautiful, smooth and creamy in texture, full of chocolately flavor, wholesome, not too sweet. The flavor and feel just made me keep wanting cup after cup.
I still can't quite understand what makes this drink so unique, it is just a cup of Milo...I can make myself a cup at home, at the coffeeshop, or even at Burger King or KFC. Oddly, everything's just different here, and I can't quite finger out what or how it is different. Eventually, I got a little tired of it, not because it isn't as appealing anymore, but just somehow, no matter how much I drink, I can't seem to get what I want out of it...it's hard to explain, and beyond my vocabulary to describe how I feel. Maybe something is missing, but what? Perhaps Iced Milo needs to be further sweetened to enhance its flavor, or in a ridiculously small serving so as to make it more desirable? Or perhaps drinking a cup with someone at the table over lunch or chat could bring out its flavor?
But I am sure, that everyone, in some point of their lives, need their cup of Iced Milo.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Sector R
Reinhardt had been in Sector R for a month already. So far, things have been very peaceful in his trip back to HQ. Very early in that month, he ran into an organized group of forces that nearly took him. Lucky or not, that encounter took most of his ammo away, wounded him only lightly, he's hardly anymore ammo for the next fight. A stray shot hit straight into his belt, and much of his own bullets were ignited and burst into series of small fireworks that burned his back only lightly. Reinhardt didn't suffer from a gunshot this time, but the exploding rounds in his ammo belt caused some first degree burns. Very lucky, anyone would say.
After that initial resistance, Reinhardt managed to escape deeper into the Sector safely. And so far, he has been doing pretty well. He used some of his remaining ammo to trade for food, medicine, water, depleting his already drained out supply of fresh rounds. Otherwise, things are going pretty fine, as it seems.
Reinhardt is meanwhile stuck at 550:94R:D3:N5 and further advancement to HQ seems a little unlikely. It appears that he has gotten down with a full time apprenticeship to for a job in near future. The local populace seems friendly; resistance is unlikely at the time being.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had suddenly turned a little ill from the recent climatic changes in this area. Breathing difficulty, restlessness, inability to concentrate, slight/recurrent hyperthermia are taking their toll on my health. I think I know where I got all this from... I've got a few major assignments in my hands and waiting for completion and submission every weekend to my superior, or boss. This month is especially busy, when I thought the last was worse. With this recurring illness, it is definitely going to adversely affect my work performance. I didn't do well last month, and my boss was less than thrilled. Sigh...
My colleagues, however, are very nice people, always offering to get me a warm drink or two to perk me up in the harsh weathers. Ever since I left Sector E, I think I've changed much. I felt lighter, free-er, a lot happier, and have changed to much friendlier person than I was. Back then, except for a couple of close buddies, I was an extremely unpopular person, always staying away from the lights and hiding in the shadows. After Pearl Gardens, I realized I had been completely drained out as a person and in desperate need of a break. In my anger, I destroyed a portion of E/P1, took out the old commo lines, computers, useless databases, venting the rage in hope to numb the pain of the losses suffered in the course of that mission.
It has been sometime since I've gotten here and have pretty much settled down in 94R:D3:N5 I love the people here, and at least for the time being, I'll call this my home.
After that initial resistance, Reinhardt managed to escape deeper into the Sector safely. And so far, he has been doing pretty well. He used some of his remaining ammo to trade for food, medicine, water, depleting his already drained out supply of fresh rounds. Otherwise, things are going pretty fine, as it seems.
Reinhardt is meanwhile stuck at 550:94R:D3:N5 and further advancement to HQ seems a little unlikely. It appears that he has gotten down with a full time apprenticeship to for a job in near future. The local populace seems friendly; resistance is unlikely at the time being.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had suddenly turned a little ill from the recent climatic changes in this area. Breathing difficulty, restlessness, inability to concentrate, slight/recurrent hyperthermia are taking their toll on my health. I think I know where I got all this from... I've got a few major assignments in my hands and waiting for completion and submission every weekend to my superior, or boss. This month is especially busy, when I thought the last was worse. With this recurring illness, it is definitely going to adversely affect my work performance. I didn't do well last month, and my boss was less than thrilled. Sigh...
My colleagues, however, are very nice people, always offering to get me a warm drink or two to perk me up in the harsh weathers. Ever since I left Sector E, I think I've changed much. I felt lighter, free-er, a lot happier, and have changed to much friendlier person than I was. Back then, except for a couple of close buddies, I was an extremely unpopular person, always staying away from the lights and hiding in the shadows. After Pearl Gardens, I realized I had been completely drained out as a person and in desperate need of a break. In my anger, I destroyed a portion of E/P1, took out the old commo lines, computers, useless databases, venting the rage in hope to numb the pain of the losses suffered in the course of that mission.
It has been sometime since I've gotten here and have pretty much settled down in 94R:D3:N5 I love the people here, and at least for the time being, I'll call this my home.
A glass of wine/Sector E
A Glass of Wine
After that night, things ain't quite the same anymore.
I couldn't take my eyes off her, and everytime we see each other, we'd look into each other's eyes, instantly smiling. We did that all the time, but...today, I can't really describe this different feeling. It's warm and bittersweet in a cold rainy Monday morning, like a steal of a sip of red wine shortly after getting up from bed. Warming my heart a little, that little sip got me a little tipsy. I wanted to stop, at that, but I couldn't; each little sip from the glass is just so sweet, and though each one knocks me back from reality, which I have worked so hard to avoid, I crave for yet another sip...
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Sector E (Secured Area)
"I've heard Sgt Reinhardt returned to Sector E/P1 Area after he's barely healed from that shot."
"Yea, I knew about it. That day, he armed himself and went back, despite his injuries. I couldn't quite stop him. But then again, no one could stop him - he's lots many of his buddies that night."
"Sigh.... At least the good news is that, he cleared out Sector E. But sir, I think we've lost him, Reinhardt never return. Perhaps he's on his way to HQ. If it's true sir, it's another piece of good news - he's always been wanting to go back and see his friends and family. And Captain Ivan never gave him that chance before that Pearl Garden disaster..."
"...oh yeah sir, some of our boys scouting near HQ briefly saw Reinhardt, heard he's doing okay."
"I see. Alright Dylan, you can go now. Glad that boy is still alive."
Lieutenant Anders wrote Reinhardt off his list. With that, Sergeant Reinhardt is off from his camp.
Intelligence gathered Sergeant Reinhardt sneaked back to E/P1 that night, barely recovered from his injury. Apparently, he returned to that area to clean up some loose ends, destroyed a portion of the remaining enemy base. Even though the resistance had already left the area, Reinhardt turned some of enemy computers, commo-lines into ashes. After some brief work there, Reinhardt left the area, but never returned to camp. Apparently, he returned to HQ instead.
"I think that boy's in Sector R now (which is in between Sector E and HQ). He's gonna meet some resistance with the indigenous forces there, I hope he's got enough ammo with him. Good luck, Hardt." With that, Anders turned off his table light, and went back to rest.
After that night, things ain't quite the same anymore.
I couldn't take my eyes off her, and everytime we see each other, we'd look into each other's eyes, instantly smiling. We did that all the time, but...today, I can't really describe this different feeling. It's warm and bittersweet in a cold rainy Monday morning, like a steal of a sip of red wine shortly after getting up from bed. Warming my heart a little, that little sip got me a little tipsy. I wanted to stop, at that, but I couldn't; each little sip from the glass is just so sweet, and though each one knocks me back from reality, which I have worked so hard to avoid, I crave for yet another sip...
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Sector E (Secured Area)
"I've heard Sgt Reinhardt returned to Sector E/P1 Area after he's barely healed from that shot."
"Yea, I knew about it. That day, he armed himself and went back, despite his injuries. I couldn't quite stop him. But then again, no one could stop him - he's lots many of his buddies that night."
"Sigh.... At least the good news is that, he cleared out Sector E. But sir, I think we've lost him, Reinhardt never return. Perhaps he's on his way to HQ. If it's true sir, it's another piece of good news - he's always been wanting to go back and see his friends and family. And Captain Ivan never gave him that chance before that Pearl Garden disaster..."
"...oh yeah sir, some of our boys scouting near HQ briefly saw Reinhardt, heard he's doing okay."
"I see. Alright Dylan, you can go now. Glad that boy is still alive."
Lieutenant Anders wrote Reinhardt off his list. With that, Sergeant Reinhardt is off from his camp.
Intelligence gathered Sergeant Reinhardt sneaked back to E/P1 that night, barely recovered from his injury. Apparently, he returned to that area to clean up some loose ends, destroyed a portion of the remaining enemy base. Even though the resistance had already left the area, Reinhardt turned some of enemy computers, commo-lines into ashes. After some brief work there, Reinhardt left the area, but never returned to camp. Apparently, he returned to HQ instead.
"I think that boy's in Sector R now (which is in between Sector E and HQ). He's gonna meet some resistance with the indigenous forces there, I hope he's got enough ammo with him. Good luck, Hardt." With that, Anders turned off his table light, and went back to rest.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
The Unending Forest IV (Scenario 1) - Reminiscence
Weather's turned cold of late, we've been getting very frequent but erratic rainfalls, temperature during the nights were almost beyond bearable limits, the strong winds took some wood off my newly built home in a small humble corner of the forest. Last night was an unusually cold night - the chill was still bearable though, past memories flew by.
Many things left to be forgotten were made manifest; I could remember the old smiles, the songs I used to sing, how the air used to smell, the things I used to think. Deep thoughts lingered for as long as the winds blew, chilly, yet comfy as they brushed across my face. Looking into the open night sky, I saw many stars seemingly busying with their own lives. There is another world out there; they were finding jobs, bringing home the bread, drinking happily with friends, enjoying a great meal, partying, noisily sleeping the night away, pondering hard how to please their girlfriends...
I suddenly recall a line, that "one can never step into the same river twice". At first glance, I never quite understood where that person was coming from when he said it. Even when I finally could understand what it meant, I couldn't still quite see what it implied or stood for. Slowly, I'm finally beginning to understand, the deeper meanings of this "nonsensical" line.
Nothing else could be seen in that complete darkness, except the stars. Looking back up into the heavens, I suddenly realized the stars had already went away. Then, there was nothing, except the winds, my broken house, and myself, and the darkness. Heaving a sigh, I coaxed myself to sleep.
The next morning wasn't any much different. The heavens were pouring gallons and gallons of water, everywhere looked so gloomy and the earth was all muddy and slippery. Going anywhere is difficult. Looking for wood now would only seem to be another wasted effort. What can I do?
That old man had left the forest sometime ago, and to be exact, I can't even remember the time I last saw him. Is he back looking for a better place to stay? Then to stay in this little hidden area? I hope he did, at least the hope of finding a good place can bring a smile to his face. Sitting tightly atop of the hill, clinging to my stark naked body, looking drearily across the gloomy horizon, and shivering from the chill. Breathing in deep and hard, the cold wet air moistens my insides.
Many things left to be forgotten were made manifest; I could remember the old smiles, the songs I used to sing, how the air used to smell, the things I used to think. Deep thoughts lingered for as long as the winds blew, chilly, yet comfy as they brushed across my face. Looking into the open night sky, I saw many stars seemingly busying with their own lives. There is another world out there; they were finding jobs, bringing home the bread, drinking happily with friends, enjoying a great meal, partying, noisily sleeping the night away, pondering hard how to please their girlfriends...
I suddenly recall a line, that "one can never step into the same river twice". At first glance, I never quite understood where that person was coming from when he said it. Even when I finally could understand what it meant, I couldn't still quite see what it implied or stood for. Slowly, I'm finally beginning to understand, the deeper meanings of this "nonsensical" line.
Nothing else could be seen in that complete darkness, except the stars. Looking back up into the heavens, I suddenly realized the stars had already went away. Then, there was nothing, except the winds, my broken house, and myself, and the darkness. Heaving a sigh, I coaxed myself to sleep.
The next morning wasn't any much different. The heavens were pouring gallons and gallons of water, everywhere looked so gloomy and the earth was all muddy and slippery. Going anywhere is difficult. Looking for wood now would only seem to be another wasted effort. What can I do?
That old man had left the forest sometime ago, and to be exact, I can't even remember the time I last saw him. Is he back looking for a better place to stay? Then to stay in this little hidden area? I hope he did, at least the hope of finding a good place can bring a smile to his face. Sitting tightly atop of the hill, clinging to my stark naked body, looking drearily across the gloomy horizon, and shivering from the chill. Breathing in deep and hard, the cold wet air moistens my insides.
A Message from the President
"Members of the Bachelors' Club! It brings me great joy today to announce the arrival of a new member to the club, and also to announce the departure of another long time member of ours. First, let us all welcome this new member to the club...we all have known him for a long time, but it is only recent, that he has joined us. Then again, I also do not wish to see my fellow members and friends of the club to hang around for too long. And as the name implies, I am pretty sure none of you want to stay for long either! Nevertheless, let us all extend our best wishes to him, this new member of ours, and that his stay here in the club, be a short one!!"
"At the same time, a long time member, who has been with us since the founding of the club has left. As the president, it is of the greatest joy having to be here to announce this to everyone of you out there to hear. He has helped us a lot, has always been a wonderful and loyal friend and brother to us all. Certainly, especially the times at the table are very unforgettable experiences. Man goes like the cloud passes, our brother now has new-founded duties to fulfill. And I am sure, that we shall all miss him, but also certainly wish, that he'll be out of the club for good! Good luck bro!"
"May the heavens smile on the rest of us who are still hanging our heads in the club, that may one day, everyone of you here, would be as lucky as our buddy who has found a new purpose in his life. Godspeed."
"At the same time, a long time member, who has been with us since the founding of the club has left. As the president, it is of the greatest joy having to be here to announce this to everyone of you out there to hear. He has helped us a lot, has always been a wonderful and loyal friend and brother to us all. Certainly, especially the times at the table are very unforgettable experiences. Man goes like the cloud passes, our brother now has new-founded duties to fulfill. And I am sure, that we shall all miss him, but also certainly wish, that he'll be out of the club for good! Good luck bro!"
"May the heavens smile on the rest of us who are still hanging our heads in the club, that may one day, everyone of you here, would be as lucky as our buddy who has found a new purpose in his life. Godspeed."
Monday, March 21, 2005
The Unending Forest III (Scenario 1) - Lethargy
Everyone around me seem to me, like myself, wandering aimlessly around the forest. Like me, we still can't find a lake fresh enough to sustain life, so that one may settle and start building an house by the side. While I don't know how each of them are doing now, on my part, I've given up on a large part.
For the past months, I couldn't be much bothered to look around anymore; every part of this forest is no different from another. Much given up on hoping to find the "best place" to settle down, I got myself a pretty nice cozy little corner to settle in. It's not very spacious, gifted with modest food supplies. I could also spent half the day there, and concentrate on building a temporary little settling. One day though, while gathering materials for my new place at another sector of this forest, I came across a small little lake downhill that seem to be more than two hours worth of walk away. After walking for so long, frankly, two hours is nothing.
This time, I hardly have the intention to head there anymore. It's very tiring having to go all the way down, only to find myself disappointed and having to climb all the way up again. Perhaps what that is most needed is some self-deserved rest. At the moment, settling at this little corner does not seem to be a bad idea either.
The idea of even looking forward to finding a place, I realized, may not be the best thing to do. Afterall, many people who've gone past this forest did not have the best living conditions. So what if I can't find that best place? I got to know an old man who lived on a treetop many years ago. All his life, he's helped many like myself settle in on treetops! While to me, it seemed that having to survive on wild berries and weird fauna had poisoned his mind and speech, he does seem extremely efficient at construction.
Looking downhill...I thought to myself, "Are you sure it's a good idea???" Ambivalent, I picked up my wood and went back to my corner...
For the past months, I couldn't be much bothered to look around anymore; every part of this forest is no different from another. Much given up on hoping to find the "best place" to settle down, I got myself a pretty nice cozy little corner to settle in. It's not very spacious, gifted with modest food supplies. I could also spent half the day there, and concentrate on building a temporary little settling. One day though, while gathering materials for my new place at another sector of this forest, I came across a small little lake downhill that seem to be more than two hours worth of walk away. After walking for so long, frankly, two hours is nothing.
This time, I hardly have the intention to head there anymore. It's very tiring having to go all the way down, only to find myself disappointed and having to climb all the way up again. Perhaps what that is most needed is some self-deserved rest. At the moment, settling at this little corner does not seem to be a bad idea either.
The idea of even looking forward to finding a place, I realized, may not be the best thing to do. Afterall, many people who've gone past this forest did not have the best living conditions. So what if I can't find that best place? I got to know an old man who lived on a treetop many years ago. All his life, he's helped many like myself settle in on treetops! While to me, it seemed that having to survive on wild berries and weird fauna had poisoned his mind and speech, he does seem extremely efficient at construction.
Looking downhill...I thought to myself, "Are you sure it's a good idea???" Ambivalent, I picked up my wood and went back to my corner...
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Fragments
That Familiar Old Vision
I remembered saying this year is gonna be a good one in the first months of the year. Before I even got warmed up to prepare for what that were gonna come, I wanted to take those words back immediately.
Pausing, I ain't what I was as I had remembered, same goes for the people around me. Most of my friends are already out of school, out into the world, boys finally learning to what it really takes to be alone on the outside. No longer is now the time to be sitting in the study area, making fun of our own friends, sticking paper turtles on people's backs, throwing chalks at Mr. Chandra when he had his back on us. We were still concerned about if the girl from the other class feel about us, what time lessons gonna end, grumbling and complaining about spending so much time in school, getting scolded for not handing in homeworks...
Not too long after, we all have very different situations sitting on our laps. Money, our dads, education, employment, crossing our eyes when we're gonna get lifetime membership to the Bachelor's Club. Even when we don't say it, sometimes it seems so obvious that a part of us all longs to head back to other class, just to steal a look at her.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fair share
The older we get, it seems even harder to be convinced that the world is fair. Whenever we go out for a drink, hang out somewhere, a close friend of mine would always, never failed to be being made fun of. While it's hard to explain why, everyone of us takes turn to poke at him, call him names and stuff, put him down. In an odd way, he has my admiration - he's endured such "insults" for us for close to a decade already, and we all are still pretty close. If I were him, I wouldn't know how I would be able to take it. Being him, he probably could be wondering why is it that we'll always have something to say about him? Maybe he would have then blamed himself for his incompetence, be it real or not. If he took it personally, perhaps he would have left us long ago. Good thing he didn't take our insults personally, neither did we all mean to put him down - it was all childish fun. At least I think he didn't.
On fairness, what then, is the most appropriate thing to do in this world where nothing is fair? Do we grab our own share and be happy with it? Or do we learn to share the spoils with our friends, stay close, and wait in our trenches? Or pretend to surrender, then machinegun at the enemies, getting victory any way that makes it possible?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sector E
Personally, these recents months of the year had deafen my ears to artillery, and getting used to it is probably the best thing to do for now. At 0900hrs, I am gonna have to take down sector E alone. No one else can do it but me; I'm not sure what it will take, it's definitely not going to be easy. It's my own war now, if I don't do it, no one can. If I choose not to do it, victory would never come. Hiding in my foxhole is a thing of the past, I've have to go now...
I remembered saying this year is gonna be a good one in the first months of the year. Before I even got warmed up to prepare for what that were gonna come, I wanted to take those words back immediately.
Pausing, I ain't what I was as I had remembered, same goes for the people around me. Most of my friends are already out of school, out into the world, boys finally learning to what it really takes to be alone on the outside. No longer is now the time to be sitting in the study area, making fun of our own friends, sticking paper turtles on people's backs, throwing chalks at Mr. Chandra when he had his back on us. We were still concerned about if the girl from the other class feel about us, what time lessons gonna end, grumbling and complaining about spending so much time in school, getting scolded for not handing in homeworks...
Not too long after, we all have very different situations sitting on our laps. Money, our dads, education, employment, crossing our eyes when we're gonna get lifetime membership to the Bachelor's Club. Even when we don't say it, sometimes it seems so obvious that a part of us all longs to head back to other class, just to steal a look at her.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fair share
The older we get, it seems even harder to be convinced that the world is fair. Whenever we go out for a drink, hang out somewhere, a close friend of mine would always, never failed to be being made fun of. While it's hard to explain why, everyone of us takes turn to poke at him, call him names and stuff, put him down. In an odd way, he has my admiration - he's endured such "insults" for us for close to a decade already, and we all are still pretty close. If I were him, I wouldn't know how I would be able to take it. Being him, he probably could be wondering why is it that we'll always have something to say about him? Maybe he would have then blamed himself for his incompetence, be it real or not. If he took it personally, perhaps he would have left us long ago. Good thing he didn't take our insults personally, neither did we all mean to put him down - it was all childish fun. At least I think he didn't.
On fairness, what then, is the most appropriate thing to do in this world where nothing is fair? Do we grab our own share and be happy with it? Or do we learn to share the spoils with our friends, stay close, and wait in our trenches? Or pretend to surrender, then machinegun at the enemies, getting victory any way that makes it possible?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sector E
Personally, these recents months of the year had deafen my ears to artillery, and getting used to it is probably the best thing to do for now. At 0900hrs, I am gonna have to take down sector E alone. No one else can do it but me; I'm not sure what it will take, it's definitely not going to be easy. It's my own war now, if I don't do it, no one can. If I choose not to do it, victory would never come. Hiding in my foxhole is a thing of the past, I've have to go now...
Quote of the Day
"The most painful experiences have the most wisdom to offer, always."
- Richard Lee
"Everyone sees the same thing differently."
-Richard Lee
"There is no such thing as absolute time."
-Albert Einstein
"You can't step into the same river twice."
-by an ancient Greek philosopher
- Richard Lee
"Everyone sees the same thing differently."
-Richard Lee
"There is no such thing as absolute time."
-Albert Einstein
"You can't step into the same river twice."
-by an ancient Greek philosopher
Monday, March 14, 2005
Quote of the Day
"Knowing is not enough; we must apply
Willing is not enough; we must do"
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
Willing is not enough; we must do"
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
In the shadows
"Breakfast was done. And so as a matter of hygiene, Jason went about on his usual ritual - making sure his hands were real clean before sitting down and have his meal. The breakfast was really simple, a cup of hot warm coffee with milk, pancakes with a sausage, a relatively healthy fare compared to what we have...or don't have (too many of us skip breakfast). And when Jason was finally done eating, he washed his dishes real clean with potent doses of antiseptic, and his hands were next.
Ironically, Jason's hands looked...a little less than desirable. His hands looked pale white in color, the skin seemed mildly eroded by chemicals; one could see fine red capillaries beneath the skin, pores on the back of his hands and forearm are barely visible.
His mother, Melissa, ever since Jason was barely a few years of age, insisted that he should be clean and that his hands are sterile before having his meal. She would hit him with a cane, so badly sometimes that his hands, his back would bleed. Those wounds and blood didn't seem to bother her at all. In fact, she would make him wear his shirt, so as to conceal the injuries from public eye. If he cried or stirred her nerves, back at home, she would hit him again. The bleeding could be so bad sometimes the shirt would stick to his back; his mother would rip off the shirt, forcefully opening the wounds, so that the pain would make Jason learn to be obedient. Because an obedient child, is a good child; a good child, with good discipline would be a great person - a great achiever, a good son, and a wonderful husband.
Not too surprisingly, however, Melissa's husband , Jack, left her years ago. No one knew why that would be possible. Their friends thought of him as such a wonderful husband, a banker, a loving father, dutiful, responsible. He was the man of every woman's dreams. Melissa, who was a nurse before her marriage to Jack, was attending, warm, and kind-hearted. A minor bacterial outbreak less than a year before she had Jason, took Jack's life. Melissa could never understand why or how Jack caught the infection which crippled his nervous system and eventually his life. She never could understand, and tried taking her own life soon after Jack finally passed on. Melissa blamed his husband's death on herself, that it was her brought it unto Jack..."
Dramatic as it sounded, a minority or perhaps even most of us, have suffered from the hauntings of our own minds. Jason, a victim of circumstance, suffered as a result and consequence of his mother's fate, her traumatic experience of losing her most loved one. Melissa, on her own account, pinned high hopes on Jason, unknowing that her way of "discipline" was causing extreme distress and doomed him to chronic and perhaps eternal trauma and nightmare, making him live with constant fear and delusion.
On both accounts, neither of them, I am sure, given a choice, wouldn't want to live a life like that. Not everyone has a painful condition like that, and those who do, tend not to exhibit their "eccentricities" as obviously as I had portrayed Jason and Melissa, retreating into the darkness of their lives, living in pain and anxiety, in fear that they may hurt themselves, the people around them, their loved ones.
I'm positive all of us are affected mentally to a certain degree, but for most of us, rarely to point of paralysis - some do. For those that do suffer from their own minds, to the point of helplessness, tend not to receive the love and help that they desperately need, whether or not they themselves realized it, unfortunately.
Considering my own circumstances and situation, I really have to convince myself, that as compared to Jason, and others who suffer and cry in the shadows, I am very blessed and fortunate, that I have, not one, but a few really close friends who are there for me when I collapse. I would like to, from here, thank them, and hope that more people would receive the love and respect they all deserve.
Ric
Ironically, Jason's hands looked...a little less than desirable. His hands looked pale white in color, the skin seemed mildly eroded by chemicals; one could see fine red capillaries beneath the skin, pores on the back of his hands and forearm are barely visible.
His mother, Melissa, ever since Jason was barely a few years of age, insisted that he should be clean and that his hands are sterile before having his meal. She would hit him with a cane, so badly sometimes that his hands, his back would bleed. Those wounds and blood didn't seem to bother her at all. In fact, she would make him wear his shirt, so as to conceal the injuries from public eye. If he cried or stirred her nerves, back at home, she would hit him again. The bleeding could be so bad sometimes the shirt would stick to his back; his mother would rip off the shirt, forcefully opening the wounds, so that the pain would make Jason learn to be obedient. Because an obedient child, is a good child; a good child, with good discipline would be a great person - a great achiever, a good son, and a wonderful husband.
Not too surprisingly, however, Melissa's husband , Jack, left her years ago. No one knew why that would be possible. Their friends thought of him as such a wonderful husband, a banker, a loving father, dutiful, responsible. He was the man of every woman's dreams. Melissa, who was a nurse before her marriage to Jack, was attending, warm, and kind-hearted. A minor bacterial outbreak less than a year before she had Jason, took Jack's life. Melissa could never understand why or how Jack caught the infection which crippled his nervous system and eventually his life. She never could understand, and tried taking her own life soon after Jack finally passed on. Melissa blamed his husband's death on herself, that it was her brought it unto Jack..."
Dramatic as it sounded, a minority or perhaps even most of us, have suffered from the hauntings of our own minds. Jason, a victim of circumstance, suffered as a result and consequence of his mother's fate, her traumatic experience of losing her most loved one. Melissa, on her own account, pinned high hopes on Jason, unknowing that her way of "discipline" was causing extreme distress and doomed him to chronic and perhaps eternal trauma and nightmare, making him live with constant fear and delusion.
On both accounts, neither of them, I am sure, given a choice, wouldn't want to live a life like that. Not everyone has a painful condition like that, and those who do, tend not to exhibit their "eccentricities" as obviously as I had portrayed Jason and Melissa, retreating into the darkness of their lives, living in pain and anxiety, in fear that they may hurt themselves, the people around them, their loved ones.
I'm positive all of us are affected mentally to a certain degree, but for most of us, rarely to point of paralysis - some do. For those that do suffer from their own minds, to the point of helplessness, tend not to receive the love and help that they desperately need, whether or not they themselves realized it, unfortunately.
Considering my own circumstances and situation, I really have to convince myself, that as compared to Jason, and others who suffer and cry in the shadows, I am very blessed and fortunate, that I have, not one, but a few really close friends who are there for me when I collapse. I would like to, from here, thank them, and hope that more people would receive the love and respect they all deserve.
Ric
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Quote of the Day
"A white horse is not a horse"
- GongSun Long, ancient Chinese philosopher
"Oral sex is not sex"
'- Bill Clinton, former US President
- GongSun Long, ancient Chinese philosopher
"Oral sex is not sex"
'- Bill Clinton, former US President
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Operation Pearl Garden
"Sarge! You better explain yourself! Instructions were clear. It was a simple rescue and exfiltrate mission, but you had it all screwed up! What the hell happened?!"
"Sir. Yes, the instructions were clear, we had everything covered, except for one thing. There was no hostage at all, and there was no one for us to rescue or protect… When we got there, the hostage holding point, there was no one… Sir… Agent Amy tricked us. She’s not on our side. It was a trap, a well-laid trap that she had planned all along. When got there, seeing no one. The next seconds saw us all being ambushed. We were getting slaughtered, sir!!! Agent Amy was with them…" With that, Sergeant Reinhardt broke into tears.
"We tried to escape back to where we came from. Even there weren’t many of them, we were pinned down and taking fire from all directions!! We were getting slaughtered. I’m sorry, sir. We did our best. Our boys were well-behaved, did all we had to do, but…" Captain Ivan called for a medic to rest Reinhardt, bringing him back to his bunk.
Nobody would ever thought Amy would defect. She had served the nation well, with such passion and loyalty no other could measure up to. Being a close friend to her, the Captain placed all priorities on her safe return. Well covered intelligence, meticulously planned rescue operation, an elite squad led by the finest officer and sergeant, proved to be a complete failure.
The finest squadron, with the best soldiers, was lost, to a single traitor.
The soldiers who perished during the mission are:
Lieutenant Lorve Horst
Sergeant Thust Byrns
Private Howard Bent
Private Seinfield Igmar
Private Intigrate Enset
Private Casey Pen
Private Timothy Watson
Private Blane Shins
Private Thean Weed
Sergeant Reinhardt suffered from a .33 caliber nearly missing his heart and lost a much blood when he was found. Luckily for him, he survived the ordeal. The lost of his teammates, who were also his buddies, his blood brothers, true friends, left him crippled with sorrow. Though it isn't clear if Reinhardt will ever recover, the medic, Corporal Dylan is looking optimistic.
"Sir. Yes, the instructions were clear, we had everything covered, except for one thing. There was no hostage at all, and there was no one for us to rescue or protect… When we got there, the hostage holding point, there was no one… Sir… Agent Amy tricked us. She’s not on our side. It was a trap, a well-laid trap that she had planned all along. When got there, seeing no one. The next seconds saw us all being ambushed. We were getting slaughtered, sir!!! Agent Amy was with them…" With that, Sergeant Reinhardt broke into tears.
"We tried to escape back to where we came from. Even there weren’t many of them, we were pinned down and taking fire from all directions!! We were getting slaughtered. I’m sorry, sir. We did our best. Our boys were well-behaved, did all we had to do, but…" Captain Ivan called for a medic to rest Reinhardt, bringing him back to his bunk.
Nobody would ever thought Amy would defect. She had served the nation well, with such passion and loyalty no other could measure up to. Being a close friend to her, the Captain placed all priorities on her safe return. Well covered intelligence, meticulously planned rescue operation, an elite squad led by the finest officer and sergeant, proved to be a complete failure.
The finest squadron, with the best soldiers, was lost, to a single traitor.
The soldiers who perished during the mission are:
Lieutenant Lorve Horst
Sergeant Thust Byrns
Private Howard Bent
Private Seinfield Igmar
Private Intigrate Enset
Private Casey Pen
Private Timothy Watson
Private Blane Shins
Private Thean Weed
Sergeant Reinhardt suffered from a .33 caliber nearly missing his heart and lost a much blood when he was found. Luckily for him, he survived the ordeal. The lost of his teammates, who were also his buddies, his blood brothers, true friends, left him crippled with sorrow. Though it isn't clear if Reinhardt will ever recover, the medic, Corporal Dylan is looking optimistic.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Quote of the Day
"When something is negative, it is negative; when something is positive, it is positive. When something is not negative, it may not be positive; when something is not positive, it may not be negative."
- Kelvin Zong
- Kelvin Zong
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Monday, January 17, 2005
A gloomy morning
"Clouds not moving, winds not stirring
Heart's beating tiredly, eyes not opening
Breathing ever painfully, face's moistening
Soul's in melancholy, when's light coming?
Heavens afar, hell's coming
The gods are angry; ghosts are dancing
The angels frowning; devils rejoicing
Universe's expanding, stars are dying
Planets spinning, humans wondering
Soul's waning, pains unceasing
Clouds are flying, winds are fierce
Heart's frightened, eyes wondering
Breathing's slowing, face's crinkled
Soul's dying, darkness shrouding
Heavens falling, hell's welcoming
The gods are grinning; ghosts laughing
The angels leaving; devils preparing
Universe so great, stars minute
Planets revolving, humans thinking
Soul's withered, pains overwhelming
For my love my hands outstretched
Accepted the heart rejoice
Rejected the heart shall die
Giving love, yet delivering pain
Trusting, yet untrusted
Advices aplenty, none heeded
Confidence soared, disaster came
Regrets too late, pain triumphs
Soul's in sorrow, sorrow in silence
Silence's killing, killed without mercy
Mercy is lost, loss is my fate
Fate unforgiving, unforgiven shall be my undoing
Punished, I am crying
Tormented, I am praying
Depressed, I am asking
Saddened, I am dying
Crying not for self, praying not for self
Asking not for self, dying not for self
To God I shall cry, To God I shall pray
To God, I shall ask, To God, to take my life
For her wounds, I cried
For her hurts, I prayed
For her past, I asked for mercy
For her trust, death shall prove
Unworthy, asking no more
Unintelligent, to do no more
Unwise, hurt was done
Untrusted, as I deserved
Unmerciful, shall be her wrath
Unforgiven, shall be my fate
Knees in the earth, hands clasped
Eyes in the skies, breathing ceased
Praying for my love, I asked for His anger
To comfort her mourning soul, and to see her no more
That may she be redeemed, shall I be content
That she may see her light once again
Darkness shall be my price"
- Richard Lee
Heart's beating tiredly, eyes not opening
Breathing ever painfully, face's moistening
Soul's in melancholy, when's light coming?
Heavens afar, hell's coming
The gods are angry; ghosts are dancing
The angels frowning; devils rejoicing
Universe's expanding, stars are dying
Planets spinning, humans wondering
Soul's waning, pains unceasing
Clouds are flying, winds are fierce
Heart's frightened, eyes wondering
Breathing's slowing, face's crinkled
Soul's dying, darkness shrouding
Heavens falling, hell's welcoming
The gods are grinning; ghosts laughing
The angels leaving; devils preparing
Universe so great, stars minute
Planets revolving, humans thinking
Soul's withered, pains overwhelming
For my love my hands outstretched
Accepted the heart rejoice
Rejected the heart shall die
Giving love, yet delivering pain
Trusting, yet untrusted
Advices aplenty, none heeded
Confidence soared, disaster came
Regrets too late, pain triumphs
Soul's in sorrow, sorrow in silence
Silence's killing, killed without mercy
Mercy is lost, loss is my fate
Fate unforgiving, unforgiven shall be my undoing
Punished, I am crying
Tormented, I am praying
Depressed, I am asking
Saddened, I am dying
Crying not for self, praying not for self
Asking not for self, dying not for self
To God I shall cry, To God I shall pray
To God, I shall ask, To God, to take my life
For her wounds, I cried
For her hurts, I prayed
For her past, I asked for mercy
For her trust, death shall prove
Unworthy, asking no more
Unintelligent, to do no more
Unwise, hurt was done
Untrusted, as I deserved
Unmerciful, shall be her wrath
Unforgiven, shall be my fate
Knees in the earth, hands clasped
Eyes in the skies, breathing ceased
Praying for my love, I asked for His anger
To comfort her mourning soul, and to see her no more
That may she be redeemed, shall I be content
That she may see her light once again
Darkness shall be my price"
- Richard Lee
The longest night
I've never been this upset before, and i'm writing and addressing to no one, but to pour out my words into emptiness, so as emptiness may be the only one who trust me.
For once, my skepticism and judgement had failed me utterly. Even as I speak, I have no vague clue how I may make it up. It is not the failure itself that devastates me this much, nor is it the acknowledgement of my failure as a person that grieves me so, it is what I have indirectly caused that pierces through my deepest soul and knowing that I have caused a hurt that could never completely heal. If it is a hurt that I have done unto myself, it wouldn't have hurt so, I had hurt the one that I've been trying to love and to protect... It doesn't matter if I'm not forgiven, it doesn't matter if her friends do not forgive me, it doesn't matter even if God doesn't forgive me, what I need is to take back what I have done, and take the pain that I have caused unto her, away.
Despite my countless advices, I chose not to heed them, giving a daring leap to try what that could be beyond me, and do what I yearn to do, to give and love...never did I thought it was be a complete fluke and failure that caused a disaster. I would never be able to forgive myself if things cannot be undone. Perhaps, I would be denied to do anything for her anymore...and the only thing I can do is to pray that she may recover. I ask for nothing more, perhaps not her trust, not even her friendship, just her recovery, would suffice.
Long I have already suspected that I'm doomed to live in misery, in unceasing darkness...why have I suddenly became so optimistic that I would be blessed?! If thus is true...should I really submit to my 'fate'? I shouldn't have relented at all, and I would never again...so that I may not hurt another...
For once, my skepticism and judgement had failed me utterly. Even as I speak, I have no vague clue how I may make it up. It is not the failure itself that devastates me this much, nor is it the acknowledgement of my failure as a person that grieves me so, it is what I have indirectly caused that pierces through my deepest soul and knowing that I have caused a hurt that could never completely heal. If it is a hurt that I have done unto myself, it wouldn't have hurt so, I had hurt the one that I've been trying to love and to protect... It doesn't matter if I'm not forgiven, it doesn't matter if her friends do not forgive me, it doesn't matter even if God doesn't forgive me, what I need is to take back what I have done, and take the pain that I have caused unto her, away.
Despite my countless advices, I chose not to heed them, giving a daring leap to try what that could be beyond me, and do what I yearn to do, to give and love...never did I thought it was be a complete fluke and failure that caused a disaster. I would never be able to forgive myself if things cannot be undone. Perhaps, I would be denied to do anything for her anymore...and the only thing I can do is to pray that she may recover. I ask for nothing more, perhaps not her trust, not even her friendship, just her recovery, would suffice.
Long I have already suspected that I'm doomed to live in misery, in unceasing darkness...why have I suddenly became so optimistic that I would be blessed?! If thus is true...should I really submit to my 'fate'? I shouldn't have relented at all, and I would never again...so that I may not hurt another...
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Dreams, Hope, Freedom, Choices...
Whether one is in a pro-democratic country, or a nationalist/dictatorship country, one doesn't have much choices, if any. Even one who is living in the wild, free of any political obligations, free of any troubles, he is not free. Let me put it this way, there is no real freedom in this world, no matter where you are. Great philosophers like Parmenides and Plato argued that things of this world, the world in which we perceive with our senses is illusionary, thus the world is really illusionary and nonexistant.
Thus, if the world itself is illusionary, that includes, nature, the Earth, the animals, the trees, ourselves, and not to mention freedom. Let me put it another way, if someone were to be deaf, dumb, and blind, and lacks the sense of touch, one can't see, hear, smell, talk, or feel, he is as good as dead at best. Without all these senses, he would have no world to speak or think of. A blind man would have a world without light, to a deaf, a world without sound... Everyone perceives the world differently from every individual because the world that revolves around every individual is different, the world that shapes a person is different from the way it shapes another. Ponder on this.
Philosophies aside. Allow me to begin with a question. How free are we? Are we free to kill? Are we free to lie? Are we free to sleep with anyone we like? Are we really free to make our choices, any choice? Yes, actually. Sounds contradictory? Read on.
I say we are free to kill, simply because we can. The next second, I could always take the kitchen knife and plunge that into the chest of someone walking past me. So that proves it, we are free to do whatever we want. Earlier, I said freedom is illusionary, effectively saying that freedom does not exist, which is true. It is the consequences we have to face for the decisions that we make. Suppose I take the knife and plunge it into someone, the next minutes would see the police coming after me and put me down. Suppose I were to walk into a club and put my hand against a woman's privies, the next minute, I would be "bottled" by her sisters and friends.
Every choice we make comes with a consequence, but I'm not going to raise infinite examples to prove my point. Instead, we shape our choices according to the world around us, contemplating on the consequences...and found ourselves not having a choice afterall. There is one saying that we do not always marry the person we love most, it is because of our circumstances that we have to make difficult choices most of the times.
Yet we still have our dreams, to do what we'd hope to do, be the person we want to be...can we really do that? We are entitled to our own dreams, hopes and fantasies, is it however, necessary since the world rarely turn out to be the way we want it to be? Should we still have dreams and be optimistic about the future? Should we still have dreams when we find ourselves in a position that is already good enough? Say, a guy and a girl loves each other, but the guy has a chronic illness, the girl doesn't know how to prove her love...should they be together? Or would they be better off finding someone new? We'd never know.
I feel that, while we can't really choose our own future, we can choose the consequences, by making our decisions so that the consequences become more or less bearable for us and the people around us. But...do we really think this far??
Thus, if the world itself is illusionary, that includes, nature, the Earth, the animals, the trees, ourselves, and not to mention freedom. Let me put it another way, if someone were to be deaf, dumb, and blind, and lacks the sense of touch, one can't see, hear, smell, talk, or feel, he is as good as dead at best. Without all these senses, he would have no world to speak or think of. A blind man would have a world without light, to a deaf, a world without sound... Everyone perceives the world differently from every individual because the world that revolves around every individual is different, the world that shapes a person is different from the way it shapes another. Ponder on this.
Philosophies aside. Allow me to begin with a question. How free are we? Are we free to kill? Are we free to lie? Are we free to sleep with anyone we like? Are we really free to make our choices, any choice? Yes, actually. Sounds contradictory? Read on.
I say we are free to kill, simply because we can. The next second, I could always take the kitchen knife and plunge that into the chest of someone walking past me. So that proves it, we are free to do whatever we want. Earlier, I said freedom is illusionary, effectively saying that freedom does not exist, which is true. It is the consequences we have to face for the decisions that we make. Suppose I take the knife and plunge it into someone, the next minutes would see the police coming after me and put me down. Suppose I were to walk into a club and put my hand against a woman's privies, the next minute, I would be "bottled" by her sisters and friends.
Every choice we make comes with a consequence, but I'm not going to raise infinite examples to prove my point. Instead, we shape our choices according to the world around us, contemplating on the consequences...and found ourselves not having a choice afterall. There is one saying that we do not always marry the person we love most, it is because of our circumstances that we have to make difficult choices most of the times.
Yet we still have our dreams, to do what we'd hope to do, be the person we want to be...can we really do that? We are entitled to our own dreams, hopes and fantasies, is it however, necessary since the world rarely turn out to be the way we want it to be? Should we still have dreams and be optimistic about the future? Should we still have dreams when we find ourselves in a position that is already good enough? Say, a guy and a girl loves each other, but the guy has a chronic illness, the girl doesn't know how to prove her love...should they be together? Or would they be better off finding someone new? We'd never know.
I feel that, while we can't really choose our own future, we can choose the consequences, by making our decisions so that the consequences become more or less bearable for us and the people around us. But...do we really think this far??
Monday, January 10, 2005
The Unending Forest II (Scenario 1) - Polluted Waters
Even though it is a forest, one can hardly find water in there, but there are times where one would find a small lake to rejuvenate the body. During my travel, I have found many of these lakes. Quite unexpectedly, all these lakes are salted in varying degrees, none are fresh water. These lakes initially made me want for more, and I would take large sips of it, but after so many mouthfuls, I realized that no matter how much I drank, the thirst would remain. I would become dehydrated, so bad sometimes that my skin and my head seem to have been thrown into the crucible of eternal fire. A small number of these lakes however, are contaminated with sulphor, and I became gravely ill each time when I unsuspectingly drank from one.
The dehydration had probably burned much of my brains and body. Once I had looked at myself in a lake, I saw a wrinkled and wasted man, sunken eyes, dark rings under my eyes...resembling that of a cadaver. Sometimes, amid the illnesses, sorrow and death overwhelms me that an end would truly put an end to all things. But somehow, the heavens would bring me comfort and warmth to my heart.
There are no rivers, no volcanoes, I could find no reason, nor could I find the logic behind the salt and the sulphor. The only reason I could think of, is that there had been people who have walked this forest. Some became disorientated, some went insane, some pulled the plug on themselves, some were very angry... some in their frustrations, did all they could to poison the waters, so the future travellers would suffer more than they did.
The only thing I could do about my thirst was to eat leaves, but I had become so weak that the fibers would cut thru my insides. That however, was the only way my thirst could be satisfied. All I wanted, was the find my way out. May the gods have mercy on me.
The dehydration had probably burned much of my brains and body. Once I had looked at myself in a lake, I saw a wrinkled and wasted man, sunken eyes, dark rings under my eyes...resembling that of a cadaver. Sometimes, amid the illnesses, sorrow and death overwhelms me that an end would truly put an end to all things. But somehow, the heavens would bring me comfort and warmth to my heart.
There are no rivers, no volcanoes, I could find no reason, nor could I find the logic behind the salt and the sulphor. The only reason I could think of, is that there had been people who have walked this forest. Some became disorientated, some went insane, some pulled the plug on themselves, some were very angry... some in their frustrations, did all they could to poison the waters, so the future travellers would suffer more than they did.
The only thing I could do about my thirst was to eat leaves, but I had become so weak that the fibers would cut thru my insides. That however, was the only way my thirst could be satisfied. All I wanted, was the find my way out. May the gods have mercy on me.
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