Operation Pearl Garden

"Sarge! You better explain yourself! Instructions were clear. It was a simple rescue and exfiltrate mission, but you had it all screwed up! What the hell happened?!"

"Sir. Yes, the instructions were clear, we had everything covered, except for one thing. There was no hostage at all, and there was no one for us to rescue or protect… When we got there, the hostage holding point, there was no one… Sir… Agent Amy tricked us. She’s not on our side. It was a trap, a well-laid trap that she had planned all along. When got there, seeing no one. The next seconds saw us all being ambushed. We were getting slaughtered, sir!!! Agent Amy was with them…" With that, Sergeant Reinhardt broke into tears.

"We tried to escape back to where we came from. Even there weren’t many of them, we were pinned down and taking fire from all directions!! We were getting slaughtered. I’m sorry, sir. We did our best. Our boys were well-behaved, did all we had to do, but…" Captain Ivan called for a medic to rest Reinhardt, bringing him back to his bunk.

Nobody would ever thought Amy would defect. She had served the nation well, with such passion and loyalty no other could measure up to. Being a close friend to her, the Captain placed all priorities on her safe return. Well covered intelligence, meticulously planned rescue operation, an elite squad led by the finest officer and sergeant, proved to be a complete failure.
The finest squadron, with the best soldiers, was lost, to a single traitor.

The soldiers who perished during the mission are:

Lieutenant Lorve Horst
Sergeant Thust Byrns
Private Howard Bent
Private Seinfield Igmar
Private Intigrate Enset
Private Casey Pen
Private Timothy Watson
Private Blane Shins
Private Thean Weed

Sergeant Reinhardt suffered from a .33 caliber nearly missing his heart and lost a much blood when he was found. Luckily for him, he survived the ordeal. The lost of his teammates, who were also his buddies, his blood brothers, true friends, left him crippled with sorrow. Though it isn't clear if Reinhardt will ever recover, the medic, Corporal Dylan is looking optimistic.

Quote of the Day

"When something is negative, it is negative; when something is positive, it is positive. When something is not negative, it may not be positive; when something is not positive, it may not be negative."
- Kelvin Zong

Quote of the Day

"Existence is suffering..."
- Buddha

A gloomy morning

"Clouds not moving, winds not stirring
Heart's beating tiredly, eyes not opening
Breathing ever painfully, face's moistening
Soul's in melancholy, when's light coming?

Heavens afar, hell's coming
The gods are angry; ghosts are dancing
The angels frowning; devils rejoicing
Universe's expanding, stars are dying
Planets spinning, humans wondering
Soul's waning, pains unceasing

Clouds are flying, winds are fierce
Heart's frightened, eyes wondering
Breathing's slowing, face's crinkled
Soul's dying, darkness shrouding

Heavens falling, hell's welcoming
The gods are grinning; ghosts laughing
The angels leaving; devils preparing
Universe so great, stars minute
Planets revolving, humans thinking
Soul's withered, pains overwhelming

For my love my hands outstretched
Accepted the heart rejoice
Rejected the heart shall die
Giving love, yet delivering pain
Trusting, yet untrusted
Advices aplenty, none heeded
Confidence soared, disaster came
Regrets too late, pain triumphs

Soul's in sorrow, sorrow in silence
Silence's killing, killed without mercy
Mercy is lost, loss is my fate
Fate unforgiving, unforgiven shall be my undoing

Punished, I am crying
Tormented, I am praying
Depressed, I am asking
Saddened, I am dying

Crying not for self, praying not for self
Asking not for self, dying not for self
To God I shall cry, To God I shall pray
To God, I shall ask, To God, to take my life

For her wounds, I cried
For her hurts, I prayed
For her past, I asked for mercy
For her trust, death shall prove

Unworthy, asking no more
Unintelligent, to do no more
Unwise, hurt was done
Untrusted, as I deserved
Unmerciful, shall be her wrath
Unforgiven, shall be my fate

Knees in the earth, hands clasped
Eyes in the skies, breathing ceased
Praying for my love, I asked for His anger
To comfort her mourning soul, and to see her no more
That may she be redeemed, shall I be content
That she may see her light once again
Darkness shall be my price"

- Richard Lee

The longest night

I've never been this upset before, and i'm writing and addressing to no one, but to pour out my words into emptiness, so as emptiness may be the only one who trust me.

For once, my skepticism and judgement had failed me utterly. Even as I speak, I have no vague clue how I may make it up. It is not the failure itself that devastates me this much, nor is it the acknowledgement of my failure as a person that grieves me so, it is what I have indirectly caused that pierces through my deepest soul and knowing that I have caused a hurt that could never completely heal. If it is a hurt that I have done unto myself, it wouldn't have hurt so, I had hurt the one that I've been trying to love and to protect... It doesn't matter if I'm not forgiven, it doesn't matter if her friends do not forgive me, it doesn't matter even if God doesn't forgive me, what I need is to take back what I have done, and take the pain that I have caused unto her, away.

Despite my countless advices, I chose not to heed them, giving a daring leap to try what that could be beyond me, and do what I yearn to do, to give and love...never did I thought it was be a complete fluke and failure that caused a disaster. I would never be able to forgive myself if things cannot be undone. Perhaps, I would be denied to do anything for her anymore...and the only thing I can do is to pray that she may recover. I ask for nothing more, perhaps not her trust, not even her friendship, just her recovery, would suffice.

Long I have already suspected that I'm doomed to live in misery, in unceasing darkness...why have I suddenly became so optimistic that I would be blessed?! If thus is true...should I really submit to my 'fate'? I shouldn't have relented at all, and I would never again...so that I may not hurt another...

Dreams, Hope, Freedom, Choices...

Whether one is in a pro-democratic country, or a nationalist/dictatorship country, one doesn't have much choices, if any. Even one who is living in the wild, free of any political obligations, free of any troubles, he is not free. Let me put it this way, there is no real freedom in this world, no matter where you are. Great philosophers like Parmenides and Plato argued that things of this world, the world in which we perceive with our senses is illusionary, thus the world is really illusionary and nonexistant.

Thus, if the world itself is illusionary, that includes, nature, the Earth, the animals, the trees, ourselves, and not to mention freedom. Let me put it another way, if someone were to be deaf, dumb, and blind, and lacks the sense of touch, one can't see, hear, smell, talk, or feel, he is as good as dead at best. Without all these senses, he would have no world to speak or think of. A blind man would have a world without light, to a deaf, a world without sound... Everyone perceives the world differently from every individual because the world that revolves around every individual is different, the world that shapes a person is different from the way it shapes another. Ponder on this.

Philosophies aside. Allow me to begin with a question. How free are we? Are we free to kill? Are we free to lie? Are we free to sleep with anyone we like? Are we really free to make our choices, any choice? Yes, actually. Sounds contradictory? Read on.

I say we are free to kill, simply because we can. The next second, I could always take the kitchen knife and plunge that into the chest of someone walking past me. So that proves it, we are free to do whatever we want. Earlier, I said freedom is illusionary, effectively saying that freedom does not exist, which is true. It is the consequences we have to face for the decisions that we make. Suppose I take the knife and plunge it into someone, the next minutes would see the police coming after me and put me down. Suppose I were to walk into a club and put my hand against a woman's privies, the next minute, I would be "bottled" by her sisters and friends.

Every choice we make comes with a consequence, but I'm not going to raise infinite examples to prove my point. Instead, we shape our choices according to the world around us, contemplating on the consequences...and found ourselves not having a choice afterall. There is one saying that we do not always marry the person we love most, it is because of our circumstances that we have to make difficult choices most of the times.

Yet we still have our dreams, to do what we'd hope to do, be the person we want to be...can we really do that? We are entitled to our own dreams, hopes and fantasies, is it however, necessary since the world rarely turn out to be the way we want it to be? Should we still have dreams and be optimistic about the future? Should we still have dreams when we find ourselves in a position that is already good enough? Say, a guy and a girl loves each other, but the guy has a chronic illness, the girl doesn't know how to prove her love...should they be together? Or would they be better off finding someone new? We'd never know.

I feel that, while we can't really choose our own future, we can choose the consequences, by making our decisions so that the consequences become more or less bearable for us and the people around us. But...do we really think this far??

The Unending Forest II (Scenario 1) - Polluted Waters

Even though it is a forest, one can hardly find water in there, but there are times where one would find a small lake to rejuvenate the body. During my travel, I have found many of these lakes. Quite unexpectedly, all these lakes are salted in varying degrees, none are fresh water. These lakes initially made me want for more, and I would take large sips of it, but after so many mouthfuls, I realized that no matter how much I drank, the thirst would remain. I would become dehydrated, so bad sometimes that my skin and my head seem to have been thrown into the crucible of eternal fire. A small number of these lakes however, are contaminated with sulphor, and I became gravely ill each time when I unsuspectingly drank from one.

The dehydration had probably burned much of my brains and body. Once I had looked at myself in a lake, I saw a wrinkled and wasted man, sunken eyes, dark rings under my eyes...resembling that of a cadaver. Sometimes, amid the illnesses, sorrow and death overwhelms me that an end would truly put an end to all things. But somehow, the heavens would bring me comfort and warmth to my heart.

There are no rivers, no volcanoes, I could find no reason, nor could I find the logic behind the salt and the sulphor. The only reason I could think of, is that there had been people who have walked this forest. Some became disorientated, some went insane, some pulled the plug on themselves, some were very angry... some in their frustrations, did all they could to poison the waters, so the future travellers would suffer more than they did.

The only thing I could do about my thirst was to eat leaves, but I had become so weak that the fibers would cut thru my insides. That however, was the only way my thirst could be satisfied. All I wanted, was the find my way out. May the gods have mercy on me.

Wilful Disobediance

Somehow..i knew it was going to happen....another permutation of "I need time to think..."

Frankly, I'm more than simply being angry..this time, not other people but myself. Perhaps I really have read too much into things that I ended up and deserve this end. That I would be shamed by no one else but my own intellect and over-intellect. Where have i left off my wisdom? Where has She gone to? Perhaps I should have listened to her...and everytime things turn out to be this way, it is because i didn't listen to her. For a moment, I wish I can find Lady Wisdom again, I need her.

Now as i would ask myself, i dont know who or what had led me into this...was it me? Or was it the Lady herself? It could be my stupidty....my stupidty for turning a deaf ear on her kindred advice. For the entire week, and ever since the start of the year i could really for the first time in my life, i've never been more honest with myself.... The worst news could be the opposite is also very true. Which is which is something my intelligence can't tell. It was a confident shot at life....my studies are on track, my life is on track...path's all laid out now. Could this be all?? And truly nothing else more? Like I have just said to her, I was really echoing that in all i do i ask myself and even the divine upteen times before i make a leap. The trouble is, this time i didn't. I asked no one but myself.

Now, is it me or me, or me that is speaking? I wish I know...

The Unending Forest I (Scenario 1) - The Forest Never Ending

Everywhere looked the same, the same old trees, the same smell of the dew and the fresh crispy fragnace emanating from the leaves. Looking around, there were really nothing except trees, with four footpaths all leading to different directions, but the roads were visible for only the first few feet with the thick fog that plagues the forest forever.

Nightfalls were scary and at times horrifying. The sky was never clear with clouds the shield the heavens, just as the fog that blankets the earth. The earth was cold, sometimes wet with the dew. Sleep was thus never comfortable. Even though there were no animals in this area, the loneliness was much more frightening. Day or night, nothing could be heard, save an occasional brushing of the leaves on the tall trees upon the blow of the winds. The quietness, the cold earth, the loneliness, and looking back, it was indeed hard to believe that I've been here for the past two decades...sometimes, I wanted to cut it short.

Daytime. The usual scene, more walking to do, and I always take the straight path, unless a very good feeling or instinct leads to make a left or right turn. As far as I could remember, I've learned my lesson in a hard way, that I should never loss track of my bearings. A wrong move by walking back the roads I've taken meant little fruit, or any, that I could survive on, since I would have exhausted the supply at every junction.

Now I've learning my keep my bearings well and always walking forward. But...the forest never seem to end...

I'm not sure if life itself as a purpose at all. Perhaps, life really has no purpose, its beginning nor its end has anything to offer, rather, it could simply be the journey that makes life life. Is this really it?

Thinking too much...

It could be a good thing, that I'm taking a big leap forward into the unknown. Good thing doesn't however imply happiness, it could mean a big lesson in some of the most painful way. Afterall, my entire life has been like that. It might be that I'm meant to be like that...so I'm holding the horses trying not to make major changes to my life yet. Because people always tell me that I should learn to party, be more friendly and sociable, it upsets me a lot, partly because I appreciate myself for what I am. Perhaps I am what I am, I feel that I've achieved the wisdom necessary for my passion...to reach to the weak. Irony is that I am not a kind person...haha.

This trip could prove to be the most painful event in the early part of this year. Obligations tripled, and I'll be facing with even more things at a time than others...and I shall be strong in the face of the "tsunami" of disasters..hopefully. I sense disaster, frankly, in this trip, even my friends are really happy for me that I'm potentially leaving our "Bachelor's Club" for a good long time. Me, on the other hand, isn't that optimistic. Needless to say, this better be good.

If this does turn out to be a disaster, it'll go to prove that I'm after all right about the whole thing...I won't reveal as yet. Given a choice, I don't want to be what I am...in a way, I'm still in denial, despite my improvements in being at peace with myself. I see my fate, and I pray that I may avoid it...I pray that I won't be right.

"Lord Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner... Amen"

Zhuang Zi

" The greatest has nothing beyond itself, and is called the Great Unit; the smallest has nothing within itself, and is called the Small Unit.

That which has no thickness cannot be increased in thickness, yet in extent it may cover a thousand miles.

The heavens are as low as the earth; mountains are on the same levels are marshes.

The sun at noon is the sun declining; the creature born is the creature dying.

A great similarity differs from a little similarity. This is called the little similarity-and-difference. All things are in one way all similar, in another way all different. This is called the great similarity-and-difference.

The South has no limit and has a limit. [Having no limits is the limit]

I go to the state of Yueh today and arrived yesterday.

Connected rings can be separated...

Love all things equally; the universe is one."

-Zhuang Zi