Lamentations from another...

I was thinking of creating another private blog and create this entry instead. Perhaps I was lazy, perhaps I've always wanted to make my feelings known, perhaps I thought that no one would read my blogs anyway - even if there would, I could always pretend that no one had ever did.

I've always thought my existence didnt matter to anyone; since young no one ever seemed to be close to me - not my mum, not my dad, not my friends really, even the previous relationship with a girl had me thinking that we're really galaxies away. I'm not a black hole, not a comet, not a star, not a planet, not a meteor, perhaps just another rock floating around. As I grew up into a teenager, I made it a point not to lie, and in any situation, as best as i could, I wouldn't lie. The most I would do was not to tell the truth, not say anything. I guess this partly explains my quiet nature. Yet, people don't seem to trust me, my dad never seem to trust me. When, despite tremendous efforts to hold strong to the traditional, perhaps outdated, morals and principles, never was there a moment I felt appreciated. It felt like I could just disappear and no one gives a fuck.

In all aspects of my life, I could swear I did to do what is best and be on my best to the people around me - my friends, my parents, my brother, my oldtime buddies... ...It felt like it really didn't matter. I don't know what is wrong with me today, I've grown very tired, very very worn, exhausted to the core, I feel like I just want to sleep and not wake up, lest I become aware to the world around me again.

Life seems to have stuck in some piles of mess, junk that I couldn't recognize. Pretty soon I would be another year older, though i don't feel any older or younger. I don't feel 21, 13, 17, 19, 22, 25, 30....I feel nothing. Someone once asked me, that if I want to be anything or anywhere in this world, what would it be? I said that I wanted to be a ghost, a shadow, any nether being, no form, no legs, no cravings, no hunger, no thirst, no desires, no love, no hate, no shit, nothing. I wanted to float around, like a ghost, to follow people, see the way other people live their lives, see what they do, to observe. Subtly, looking back, I think I was really saying that I want to be a ghost, now!

Though I ain't really lonely, I still have friends around me, and possibly a girl waiting for me to break my silence, my doctor to see me under good control, I still feel terrible. Seriously, I don't know how much longer I could go on like this...