8th Jul

Quite a bit happened since the last time I wrote...like, I paid a visit to the Lady at the nativity church lying around my neighborhood. Because the recent weeks have been really painful, I needed that kind of peace, looking around, seeing the peaceful eyes of the statue, the serenity there. Because I was too confused, too distraught to think anything straight, organized thought was almost impossible. This period of "mental paralysis" has been a little too much for me to bear. At times, I have the urge to get myself a few shots of alcohol to numb this feeling of loss, but dismissed them since they wouldn't help at all. Besides, long ago I told myself to try manage all these as best as I can without the drugs. Visiting the doc is definitely going to cost.

Some days after, I visited my confessor. It was a nice meeting and the last time we met was months ago. Thinking back, perhaps I shouldn't have engaged him in an argument between logic, mysticism, realism, and the empirics. Though that sure helped my brain to exercise what I had learned, to quick-think, having such a conversation perhaps did spoil the mood a little. And after the conversation, everything did end well and fine. Leaving his office, I saw one of my old acquaintances in church whom I have been some of the closest to at the birth of my spirituality. A long time sure has passed.

Yesterday, over a telephone conversation, I was hoping my friend would cheer me up or something, or just a coffee somewhere, none of those happened. Instead, I was lectured and given instructions on how to be happy and stuffs like that. Naturally, the only emotion that took over was irriation. Amid all that was said, he mentioned something that was valid, and in fact, all the points raised were, only less relevent. Once again, I know the problem with myself is that I lack hope. Once I used to be a hopeful teenager, who aimed for a rewarding career, a nice home, a good wife, beautiful kids. Now, I don't think about all these things anymore, and I guess that is my problem. To establish a goal in life took a brand new meaning - even the act of deciding on a goal becomes tougher. Because being tolder than I was meant that I had more things in mind to consider - the finances, my aspirations, my talents, etc - and to reach my goal now surely looks tougher than it had previously seem to me. All I hope for now, is to start picking myself up and move on as quickly possible. But this may imply, that to pick myself up, is to look around me, find support, and get up...and this is where the problem lies, I can't see what that is around me. Nevertheless, it better be fast.

An acquaintance of someone whom I had used to date told that the reason we had failed to connect, was that my date saw me as a talkative person. I was a little taken aback, but hardly surprised. People who know me know I am anything but that, often I would rather sit back and listen to what others have to share or lament about than to talk. My first date with her, and the only one we had, I found her a little quiet. Afriad that she might feel too awkward, I remembered ravaging through my brains to find some of the better things to talk about, the usual, like her favorite hangouts, and what about those places or pastimes that she liked about... After recollecting what happened at the date, I was a little annoyed. People often complained about me being too quiet, and when I finally do, I was said to talk too much. Worse, I can get interrupted so many times I would swear to God that I will not open my mouth and let a single word pass until I feel like it again. But afterall, I still decide being the silent one, and would rather be complained as aloof than a chatterbox.

Edgy mood as one can see from what I've written. Hope I may have a good sleep later.