1st Jul

I just received a reply to the email I had been talking about, and I'm glad that she didn't feel that we were actually having an argument over emails - she mentioned that it felt more like an exchange of views, exactly what I intended. Argument is not always a bad thing, depending on how it is handled.

However not everyone I know is like her, many find me someone with an extreme lack of manners, fond of arguing for the sake of winning, that I distort facts, distasteful etc. So as for today, I exercised a lot of caution, and in the end, I didn't not say a single word at supper earlier, effectively. Not that I am afriad I could've offended, I'm usually poor at words and expressing myself. Besides, as far as sensitive topics are concerned, I thought it might be a better idea to remain silent.

The things discussed involved a lot of "self-reflection", exploration, deep analysis in regards to one's life. Since life is full of paradoxes, and is always so complex and hard to understand...there's no straight answer as to how someone should've reacted in a given circumstance. When life turns upside down, everyone would naturally feel upset and depressed for a while. When such depression persist for a long time, it is of own's responsibility to find ways to "realign", which is by no means an easy task. Thus, throughout the entire conversation, I said nothing.

Shit happens, always. Everyday, every morning I get up, while walking along the streets, before going to bed, while fumbling trying to sleep, I think about my shortcomings, what I ought have done but didnt, my weaknesses, what I should do, what I need to do... Always, I look for the subtle signs that might tell that I'm heading towards an "oasis" or a "pit". Even though most of times, by the time I saw that, I was already in that state. Nonetheless, I have to try get out before I get too comfortable remaining in that...not moving, not progressing, is a bad thing, I always tell myself. So far, during "oases" or "pits", there hasn't been anyone who have been helping me, perhaps God.

As a friend, it is nevertheless upsetting to know that there is nothing I can do to help my friend in anyway possible. I hope God can help.