The Unending Forest XI (Scenario 1) - The Final Chapters

It been weeks since I was here. And as it seems, I've been walking deeper and deeper into this pernicious marsh that does not appear to have any way out. Remembering as hard as I could, how I even got here remains a mystery.

Restless, exasperated, tired, worn, and injured, I stopped, paused for a moment, closing my eyes, took this chance to look at myself once more. Nodding, there is only so much left to do anymore, and it is then decided that the time has arrived...

Days ago, I saw someone passing by. Surprised, as ever since I've gotten myself into this wretched place...I haven't seen a soul and this loneliness was killing myself with every passing second, and my eye lit up when I thought I saw someone. What was more surprising was that he appeared to be looking for me, and when we met we had quite a talk that left me in thoughts for a really really long time. He was very candid, told me many things that I've always wanted to avoid thinking about...because the more I think about it, the more real it becomes, the more the fear grows within, the fear that my worst imaginations are right after all. Though what he said was what many would say to be extremely negative, after some thoughts, what was said is indeed very real, if not the truth, the truth everyone wishes otherwise, I suppose.

Reflecting on my past pursuits, today, it did seem wishful, naive, hopeful, innocent at best. After all, about half of people of the forest have a lake by where they stay, the other half aren't necessary worse off - they had their own lives, busying with their committments, fulfilling their purposes and obligations. This half of the people, according to the gentleman I spoke to, most already knew much about this wretched forest and the lakes. Some actually chose to live this solitary and wandering life, because there just isn't a "clean lake" for one to settle in. Even should there be one, there'll always be someone, out of jealous and spite, do what he can to destroy. Even should there be no one having spotted a good water, nature would do what She can to protect herself, even when it means hurting you.

In the end, no one wins. People have to make do with the already "polluted waters", exchange their soul and blood to win Her, then spend the rest of time protecting Her from nature's revolt, other jealous men, act of God... there will never be peace and happiness this way. Finally, people throw up their hands in despair, walk out, giving up everything they had dreamed of, and lead a wandering life...

If all these things that he had told me all absolutely true without the slightest hope of exception...truly, I would have been fighting in vain. Shortly after we had our talk, he abruptedly stood up and we had to bid each other farewell. He said with much confidence just before he vanished into nothingness, that I would then know very well what that needs to be done. Now I guess I really do...though I'm not sure if what I'm doing is best.

Staring into blank space...I thought about many other things...my life, my friends, what I've learned, the path I took, the things I used to do, the dreams I dreamt of, my past endeavors, my fantasies, the people I used to know, those who had crossed my path...many things. My mind instantly went back to a friend whom I had dinner with not too long ago, what we said during the dinner, what we had said before that, how she spurred me and gave me hope, made me feel myself again... Did she say all that because there truly are exceptions in this world?? I don't have an answer...

After some aimless walking, I came by this high ledge. From where I am standing, I could see a huge shimmering river below me...and as my eyes cross this river, looking just almost into the horizon lies tall mountains protected by thick, green, luscious forests. The sight is simply enchanting. Weeks and weeks of aimless walking, and alas, there is something out there after all. Could this be it?

Instantly, my mind went to many places...my old school, my friends, my passion, Melon Town, the people there...many things... Shaking, I wept a tear, wiped it off and closed my eyes and shutting them tight...shutting out the images that keep flashing by as I looked back where I came from once more.

Looking down, then slowly closing my eyes, allowing that cool air to fill me once more.........

Quote of the Day

"What a person can be, he/she must be."

-Abraham Maslow

The Unending Forest I (Scenario 2) - The Passing

Life is like this wretched place I'm in...no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you'll always be bounded, stuck, tied to this place, never finding a way out. The harder you try to wringle out of this bondage, the more painful and tiring it gets, the more you'll want to give up - like quicksand. That harder you try, the more impatient you get, you'll in no time be fighting for your breath, tortured by your own tired body. Your mind becomes slow, your head feels like you've been hit hard from the back, everything will escape from you and you'll find yourself screaming for help, fighting in tears then...nothing.

That's what happened to him...he fought very hard, gave all of himself, doing all he could to change his fate...and then...he stopped. And I could still rememeber those moments, when he was full of hope, full of life, full of laughter, full of charm and spirit, and he lost them all... Nobody really knew what happened, and from one moment a happy and hopeful man, turned into nothing whom people would soon forget.

It was hard to believe that he had just left us all like that, without a word. A young zealous man, who was so full of valor and hope, just lost everything overnight, even his will to live. I could, right now at this very moment as I speak, go back to that minute and still so vividly see his face giving away all he ever had to his fate. Looking into the sun, I realized it's been more than two weeks since, it was the 13th when he left.

Reinhardt...may you find peace...

Quote of the Day

"When seeking to obtain gains, people tend to avoid risks....
when seeking to cut losses, people are more likely to take risks."

- Tversky & Kahneman

Quote of the Day

"We don't always make the best decisions - even with a good sense of reasoning, even when calm, clear-headed, under no pressure to perform."

- Stich, an economist (1990)

The Unending Forest X (Scenario 1) - The Forest of Eternal Moon

It has been weeks since I've gotten here and there has been little signs getting out this place anytime soon. Instead of getting out, it appears that I have been venturing deeper and deeper into the area whilst doing all I can to get out.

Here, the air has been hauntingly still, broken only by occasional downpours. Having been here for so long, I have yet to see the sun breaking through the thick crown of ghastly green leaves many feet above me. There has been nothing here that could break this eerie silence - no bugs, no birds, no animals, hardly any signs of life, the plant life bears no flowers, no fruits. Instead, signs of decay lingers for what seemed like an eternity, thick layers of dead leaves, fallen trees, the rancid stench that plagues the air...

Day after day, I could feel myself slowly giving way no matter how hard I resist, my eyes are getting increasingly swollen, my lips and cheeks feels taut and puffed, swelled and painful. Breathing has become more rapid but shallow and anytime, my lungs could simply give up on me if I don't push them hard enough...I just couldn't seem to get enough air to move on. The noxious air is slowly doing me in... My eyes are painful and extremely sensitive to touch, muscles in every part of my body are screaming in pain and begging for mercy, my bones crack and yell in excruciation with every step I take... I've lost even the innate ability to feel hunger and thirst...

I'm not sure how much longer I can go on...

The Greatest Joke

Of all the preachings I have made, the worst practicioner of the preachings is myself. Very often I would find myself asking God, "..do I really deserve all these?"

Now and then, I've been trying to avoid an answer at the same time, because I fear the answer, because He might really tell me one day, that I truly deserve all that, that I deserve all that mental torment, that I deserve to lead a life totally deprived of all sorts of affection and love, that I deserve to die alone, burnt and forgotten. And I guess, He has just told me...

The greatest joke is myself, my very existence. Perhaps...when I'm not around, when I don't even exist since the beginning, things that are affected by my presence would be a lot better...

Quote of the Day

"Free will is an illusion..."
- B. F. Skinner, American behavioral psychologist

"...every aspect of ourselves, the decisions we make, who we are, what we are, everything, is shaped and moulded by immediate environment."
- B. F. Skinner, American behavioral psychologist

Lamentations

Regular readers of my blog would probably have realized that of late, I've been rather angry, and frustrated, in regards to a couple of issues. Some of my friends, or readers like yourself, would probably tell me or ask me, "Why do you get upset, angry, so 'emotional' over the littlest things? This is life, make do with it! Be happy!"

For myself, I did find myself asking that even as I'm writing now. What's best that I could say to anyone, is that emotions, like anger, fear, happiness are useful - spiritually, physiologically, psychologically. And later tonight, things are going to happen, because a lot of resentment, hurts, anger have been suppressed for a really really long time; small and insignificant problems are growing and getting bigger by day. Perhaps it's really time to keep things in check.

Sometimes I often wonder to myself, of all things we were taught since young...where did they all go when we grow up? Did we not find them useful anymore? Did we somehow, amid our busy lives, discarded them into the bin? Or are they obsolete? There can be a few explanations...

We were all taught that when we were young, we were told not to lie, not to cheat, not to steal, not to be bad boys and girls, not to selfish; to be filial, to be respectful, to be loving, to be generous, to be polite... Such "rules of morality" can be heard in nursery rhymes, moral education...

I guess we've forgotten most of them; more likely, we've well discarded them - with contempt. One reason we do that, is that our own parents, the very teachers who taught us, those who preach, do not practice them. When we reach the age we're able to reason we subconsiously think, "...since they don't practice what they preach, why do we have to do otherwise?" Besides, the very society we live in encourages us, whether we choose to believe and acknowledege that or not, to be first concerned about ourselves before we reach to others. This rationale, or rather I would say "illusion" leading us to think that "we're generous when we can", is flawed, simply because we can never be contented with ourselves, how we look, what we have, what we are capable of, what we can do... Besides that, to achieve our individual ideals and ambitions, can we safely say to ourselves that we haven't been selfish, that we haven't been unconsiderate, that we haven't been sensitive to other people's feelings?

If the answer's "yes", chances are that we've well left our nursery rhymes, education, sensitivity at the comfort of our own home, chucked away in an old dusty corner in the storeroom. Stretching my thoughts a little further, I'm sure those rhymes were taught for a good reason, apart from the reason to make us good children to our parents when we were younger. The rhymes also carry kind ideals, in hope that we grow up into good adults who have learned to be giving, kind, respectful... We would find ourselves sometimes complaining or lamenting about a new acquintance who's sarcastic, or that an old friend who's always concerned about his pocket, or being pissed because that new "private" was too proud and sure of himself, the list goes on...

I'm sure we all wish that everyone, our society would be a better place to live in. If we all don't, then I wonder why people love Dr. Wee Kim Wee that much...

12th May

Recently I've been reading up on conditioning in the field of psychology, and just minutes ago I was reading up on what one of my best pals had written in his own blog. It sort of stirred my eyes a little...

He was talking about pains that are related to the issue of love, and later in his entry, he was lamenting that some people wishing to avoid love to pain the pain. And in this issue, I personally think that there are two kinds of pain, though similar in nature, but they rather different. One is constructive, the other - destructive.

Not only love and relationships come with their price of pain, so is everything else, running a business, one's profession, dealing with friends, even sports and lifestyles. When a couple runs into problems, conflicts arise, arguments ensued, and then the anger, the tears, the frustration, the pain. But, such pain, trouble should be seen as constructive to the relationship...ideally, a couple should communicate, come together to work out the problem...strengthening the bond. Because it's only an ideolgy, not many couples as it seems, practice it, or perhaps even have thought about it.

Perhaps it's part of the human nature in the industrial society, people are encouraged and molded in such as way that individualism reigns above anything else. When problems are right in front of them, we all would want to work it out "ourselves" instead to trying to work it out "together" or as a couple. There is such a great tendency to place individual/self happiness, satiety, gratification above the interests of others - including our own family, friends, spouse, loved ones... At the end of life, during our desperate and lonely times, only then we sometimes think that life is so meaningless and empty and lonely.

Eventually, individualism promotes itself and prevails...which is one of the main reasons that I believe why a loving relationship cannot work out. Unless one places the interests and happiness of their loved ones above self, it's hard to see how the relationship can sustain. Be it father-son relationship, sister-brother, among friends, boyfriend-girlfriend, a relationship cannot survive if one of the members in the relationship is individualistic. And finally when a relationship finally breaks down, especially a romantic relationship, the pain can become destructive - destructive to future relationships. Especially so when the breakup is due to egocentrism, self-centeredness. People then recover from their hurts, then their either try to avoid falling in love again, repeat the same mistakes, or in a postive way - learning from their mistakes.

As what probably B.F. Skinner would say on behavior, when a certain behavior (loving someone) leads to punishment (pain associated with the breakup), the tendency would be the gradual suppression or even extinction of that behavior (to love someone). A resultant would probably be avoidance behavior, when we learn to behave/respond in a way to "avoid some [negative emotion] from occuring". And this avoidance behavior are long lasting even after the punishment or negative result is obsolete, because there is no opportunity at all - a successful relationship is no longer possible when one avoids getting into a relationship because there is no relationship at all to speak of!

Perhaps as to reinforce my point on individualism contributing to itself, becoming the main culprite behind failed relationships, is my first romantic relationship which I later come to regret breaking. In that instance, I was the selfish one, the self-centered one. The relationship started off with her genuinely giving and loving me; but I had no idea what I should have done to keep a relationship going. Midway, she was already upset she had been the one loving me more than I was to her. And by then, I was learning to finally give than just to take...perhaps a little too late. Our dissatisfaction led to numerous squabbles and quarrels. Coupled with a lot of other pressing reasons from my side, I thought a breakup would do both of us good, which I later came to regret some time later. We could have tried to resolve the problems together but we didn't. Even when I thought trying to solve my own problems was a noble one - it was anything but that. If we all could lay out all our misgivings and anger out on the table and trash it out, things would have turned out different.

From that experience, I did learn a few things and I have have to admit that I still make the same mistakes now and then. As I would quote, "...if one does not learn from his/her lesson, everything would keep repeating itself until the lesson's learned." It's sad to say, however, after that first relationship, I rarely have a chance even as I speak to put what I'd learned into practice.

Another example I would draw would be the relatively successful friendships I share with my close friend. Though we do not know each other for long, we're as close as brothers. He once said, "We don't hear each; we listen to each other."

Apart from that, he's a friend, a really true friend who puts his friendship above his own interests. Being of the same age as he is, I often feel truly ashamed of myself, having been so selfish and all. And from this friendship, I've been learning from him, learning to give, learning to love others above self, the spirit of giving. As I often say, "I don't call you shifu for nothing." Perhaps it's due to us giving to each other, being generous to each other, caring and putting each other above ourselves that our friendship is close to kinship.

From here, I would like to thank my shifu for having taught me so much about friendship, love, giving, and physics and chemistry and mahjong! I wish all my friends "Godspeed."

Ric

Quote of the Day

"Falling in love is not the same as loving somebody..."
- Dr. M. Scott Peck, in the Road Less Travelled

"You can't control attraction; either he/she is attracted to you or not."
- Anonymous

"That being said, one need not fall in love so as to love that person..."
- Richard Lee

"...hence, Love is a choice."
- Richard Lee

Quote of the Day

"My right hand is not the right hand...more than half the time."
- Richard Lee

"The most direct way isn't always the fastest way."
- Richard Lee

"The long way, is the right way!"
-Sergeant, from the game America's Army

Leather Shoes

To date, I think I've already owned quite many pairs of shoes, and most of the them are sports shoes, including a pair of running shoes, many pairs of SAF-issued track shoes, a few pairs of old Nike. All of those SAF-issued track shoes are torn and beyond economical repair (BER)". My very old pair of Nike black running shoes is now minimally "wearable", completely worn with its bottom totally ripped off, "lesions" all over the shoes. I call it this pair as "slicks" because now I can only wear it when the weather's completely dry, and strictly for concrete terrain only. The pair I'm currently wearing is a grey Nike general purpose shoes, though it ain't as comfy as the previous pair of Nike, isn't as aesthetically pleasing, it is a lot more comfortable and safer on my legs than the SAF-issued counterparts. Despite all these introduction of all these sports shoes I have, more importantly, I love leather shoes most.

At first thought, it might seem to most that leather shoes are more expensive than typical sports shoes. Besides, leather shoes tend to be more "classic" in design, being very simple, usually solid black or brown in color, polished or unpolished or suede. Besides, leather shoes tend to require more maintenance - they're not as washable, can grow mouldy within days to weeks, and except for suede shoes, leather shoes require frequent polishing or "kiwi-ing". Certainly, they require a lot more care in the "upkeep" or "maintenance" department.

As one would look around, most young adults tend to wear sports shoes, but I prefer leather shoes for several reasons. Leathers shoes, at least for the 2 pairs I own, are a lot more comfortable than they look. Compared to sport shoes, the classic black appeals more to me than trendy, multicolored designs seen on sports shoes. Third, with proper care and considerate use, leather shoes certainly go a long way, lasting for years and years without significant wear. This quality is what I love most about.

Quite needless to say, without proper care, leather shoes are most easily destroyed within months due to fungal growth, damage to leather, and is then BER - no amount of "kiwi" or polish can rejuvenate that poor pair of shoe. Like many other skills, such as painting, carpentry, learning to maintain a pair of leather shoes is also a skill that needs to be learned and mastered. Mastery of this skill mean the reward of a virtually eternal lifespan of one's favorite pair of leather shoe.

I remember my first pair of leather shoe was of hard, thin, polished leather with a rigid pointed tip. It was bought simply because I was required to wear one, and I didn't quite choose a pair properly and didn't really like it because it didn't suit me. Recently, I realized this pair didn't fit anymore. Either my foot has grown, or that the leather had shrunk, causing excessive pain, so I had little choice but to get myself another pair, which is my 3^rd pair.

My second pair is a standard SAF-issued Gortex combat boots. Very untypical of SAF shoes, this pair is very light, comfy, and very durable - for leisure wear. It's been with me for sometime already and it is worn very very often. Quite surprisingly, it looks very new even until today, and compared to my brother's pair, which is younger than mine by more than a year old, mine still look gorgeous. It's probably due to frequent cleaning and polishing, and I usually spend more than an hour or even two just to clean and polish. This is the pair that I'm extremely proud of. And because she has been with me for a quite sometime already, I'm not going let her go easily. Just as I still have the first pair with me, and even when I've already outgrown her, she'll stay - I'm not going to discard her as long as I'm around.

This third pair is very new, and I haven't got quite adjusted to how she feels on my feet. Though she's my latest addition to my shoe rack, I love her as much as my second pair. In fact, many years ago, I've always wanted to have her, only that back then I could still wear that first pair so I didn't get her until of late. I could still remember the first time I saw her, there was some kind of instant chemistry and fell in love with her. Now that I have her, I'll want her as long as I'm around, and love her. Which would means I would have to improve my mastery in the use of shoe polish. It might seem like hard work, but for me, it's worth it.

3rd May

This past week has been the longest, and many things happened within such a short span of time. Although it's only a short span of time, there were much anguish, helplessness, loss, and a few important realization...

I've never thought of myself as someone who is worthy of help in any form, or someone deserving of you all who came for me during those dark nights. A week of celebration turned into a week of tears, anger, confusion, loss, and also into a week of friendship. I'm deeply touched and thankful, as I speak, that you came for me, so that I was able to share a tiny bitter slice of my wretched life with you. Though that didn't solve any problems, I learned something important, something contrary to what I was taught since young - to keep things to myself, good or bad.

I learned not only to share what that is good, but also what that is bad. Last week's happening made me learned the latter... It's always been somehow taught, or learned, that everyone's life is enough messed up, and we all do not need to give our friends that extra help in further by further bothering them with my own problems. During the recent years, and especially the past week, I began to see that friends, generally do not feel that way. Specifically, what I believed seems to be untrue afterall. At least, it did not seem to me that my friends were more bothered than before, when the darker side of life was unveiled. More accurately, I can still recall the sweet little gratification experienced whenever someone was willing to share their load with me. Deep down, I often wish I can be there for the people whom I care about.

And as a way of showing my thanks, I'll do what I can to head back on track, and also do my best to be a better friend to everyone around me, my loved ones.

To my friends, I want to thank you all who was here for me during those nights, and I'll do what I can to head back on track. Thank you all once again. Godspeed.

Ric