ok, today was both a good and a bad day.

meet a close friend for some drinks, a ride to bukit timah, and a lot of chat in between. talked about physics, his girlfriend problem - torn between his girlfriend and his crush, an old crush. We talked physics, my problems, about communication and a lot others I can't remember. I was reminded that, despite all my emphasis on making communication - verbal, nonverbal - I still suck at it, really bad too. Unlike him, i dont have a girlfriend, much less know how a girl would think, things a girl want to hear...as he put it, i'm a typical male. Perhaps he's being kind by saying *typical, i said *alpha would probably describe me better.

After saying that, I did realize how insensitive I am, how much of a sonuvabitch I am, and the irony is that I chose to this way quite sometime after my failed relationship years ago. Little wonder girls are rarely impressed by me, as I suppose I pissed them off before I could even give them any good impression. Sadly, it seems like what happened later in the day did reinforce that presumption, that I'm a sonuvabitch at communications. And I have my very own words to offer myself, "Richard, this is where intentions and actions/words don't agree".

When I was really really young, already I started having crushes, and back then my dad caused a lot of anguish to my mum with this "alpha" behavior. So I kinda made a promise to myself that I would try be nice to every girl, woman whom I would get to know later in life. Sadly, I can't keep my promise, it seems. Perhaps, superstitiously speaking, god is keeping as many women away from me possible so that i may not hurt them. Okay, it's a sick joke i just played on myself.

Now let me be candid and unfunny about this. I can say I did try my best - I did in the last relationship, I did did my best for my past dates but....aggh.

Everyday I'm always at a loss of what to do, considering the amount of time I spend thinking through things, I must be quite a failure at problem solving, including physics. When my doc first said my intelligence was brillant, I genuinely thought he was only trying to be nice about it, he retorted saying that I should learn to accept praises. And so I did work on that, and not be so cynical and skeptical of things. Recently, I guess, again, it's better to live in pessimism.

Thinking about relationship handling, esp with women, I think I keep making dumb mistakes, screwing things up, screwing myself in the end. It's time I try to make an effort not think too much into things.

Looking into my recently set-up aquarium..........oh no, it's a mess...

Zone

He was there, lying down in his own pool of blood, with the back of his smashed really badly. He was still alive, breathing shortly and rapidly with his mouth wide open. His bloodshot eyes were looking straight at me, his face was covered with his own fluid, his limbs not moving as if in paralysis.

I was feeling faint, almost breathless, and very very exhausted. Looking around me, everyone seemed to be talking about me, pointing fingers, shaking their heads, their eyes gazed at me as if in disbelief. I thought I was dreaming - everyone had stopped whatever they were doing, and everyone was really looking at me. For a brief moment, my entire body felt so numb I couldn't move, my hands and legs froze, my chest was feeling very tight, my face was crawling all over the front of my skull. The friend who was with me brought me to a chair and rest, saying nothing. My mind went blank...

The elevator opened and I routinely walked towards my apartment, regimentally reaching into my pockets for the keys. Unlocking what that seemed like an unending number of locks, I finally find myself in the kitchen pouring myself a really cold mug of water, and making my usual coffee. Already, I found myself sitting with eyes looking blankly into the skies, trying to recall what happened....and I can't remember.

Images passed me by. I vaguely recalled that I was having lunch with my friend, talking over his girlfriend problem. I also remembered that I told him that love is both selfish and selfless. It was a session of a friendly chat, lunch, laugh and then fun at the local pool house. Then I remembered the voluptuously dressed receptionist at the counter, whom I stared at for quite for some, as if I didn't believe what I was seeing. Then it was the crowd, the noise, the darkness. Then the frustration, the pain I had from my old injury. The next thing I recall was a guy who was lying under my nose lying in a pool of blood, then the blizzard cold air that surrounded me, the smell of iron, the crying. Where did the guy come from? Who is he? I couldn't remember what happened. Neither could I recall who the guy was, why he was in the state as I saw it. Nothing after that came to me, and only thing I saw next, was the elevator door.

Pain

one of the reasons why i've always detested watching drama, movies, is that the movie makers always make life seem beautiful still amid all thetroubles. As far as i can say, life has never been kind, it's only a question of perspect, that life can seem beautiful...but that's not my point. through the eyes of my friends, I suppose they would consider me very fortunate to have both parents, that i am able to dress up pretty decently,that I probably look pretty cool, that I have little worry over moneymatters. I can't disagree with them, but, neither can I really agree.

We always look at other people, thinking that they lead better lives than us despite how bad they may even look. i'm no different. Although i do realize that i am lucky in many ways, i'm not without my fair share of life's troubles...no...the 'word' trouble is an understatement - 'torment' is more apt. Everyday, I'm tormented by many many things....my dad, my mum, money, being single, being lonely, feeling empty, feeling despair from my failures. My family is in a mess...my mum thinks nothing butherself and money. my dad has an extremely foul temper, extremely unreasonable when angered. it is tormenting to have a wife like my mum, to have the kind of dad that I have, to be even alive...sometimes. I'm not suggesting that i'm suicidal, but I'm really upset. It's been with me for the past 2 to 3 months or so.

Sometimes, I wish I have a girlfriend who can give me a hug when i need one.To find someone whom I can finally be a weak guy and not act macho, to cry and bathe in love. Life isn't simplistic. Thus having a girlfriend wouldn't truly make things easier, thinking that it would be most probably make things even more difficult, pain even more excruciating to bear, for no one would have no trouble or problems. Thus, it is a burden that I doubt I can bear, unless it isn't a burden. Looking on the bad side, still, it is true however, that by changing things, anything, only serve to exchange sets of problems for another. It's time i remind myself one of my favorite lines, that life is nevereasy...nobody ever said it would be.