The Revival

It's been a hell long time since I've written, about the things that have happened to me, to read what i read just to keep in touch with myself. While the last phrase sounds a little strange, to keep in touch with self, i understand that i do lose touch with myself sometimes. It was a testimonial written about me that set me thinking all these time.

He is a great friend of mine whom I have not seen for sometime, so I was someone who was full of confidence, zeal, and a lot of drive. After graduation from high school, I entered into a period that I would call the "Philsophical Revival". A lot of things happened during this period, a lot of serious happenings, and perhaps so much that i can't remember all of them. "Revival" because this long period that reconditioned me, emerging into someone very different when i was high school "philosophically. I began to understand and reconcile with many difficult truths, handle myself better, set reasonable standards for myself and the people around me, my expectations, my values, my principles, my perception of life...with the grace of God.

The ironic part is that i dont feel good going for Mass, not anymore. Somehow, whenever I see the church, the peace and serenity does keeps me comforted, sedated or spiritualized; it's the people that I cant really stand. Some people dress sloppily even on Sundays, some boasted about how much work they did in church, [in choir] some would try to project their voices differently deharmonizing our voice projection, lectors at best attempted to speak like Queen Elizabeth, some women wear so little, some preach and do the opposite, the list goes on. What then is the purpose of religion? How then to remain spiritual amid these nonsense?

Another crucial part is that, of the elements "faith, hope, and love", I've nothing of the first two - faith and hope. For long time I've lost faith in many things, in myself especially during the Philosophical Revival, in other people. I dont ask for things from God, not anymore, except His Divine Mercy when i most needed it, which is the only thing i pray for - sometimes. In my sociology textbook, religion is a social instituition and its existence is [believed] due to the "humans' propensity to hope. My dad still hopes that his business would improve, my friends generally hope to find a good matey, my fish hopes to recover from his fungal infection soon; i dont know what to hope for, for things would always fall short of expectations. (From a religious point of view, every outcome is the best due to circumstances on the assumption that the divine is good. Now that i'm saying this, I hope to be reminded of this statement)

So when I dont hope in God, naturally, I dont have faith in Him, or at least, not enough of it.

As for "love", I believe I hardly have it too, especially what that had happened before, but i'm working on it. In this context, i'm referring to the term "love" generically, not just romantic love. To have love, one must learn to give it.... and I would say that "love breeds love; hate feeds on itself". On a personal level, during the initial period of the Revival, I was learning to love, meaning to learn to give it, then coming a loving person. Previously, I was more mercenary and largely self-centered, and only after a considerably long period of time, I managed to convince myself that its not making me happy. I was deeply saddened by each lonely day and night, with no one to talk to, whom no one understands or willing to offer a ear [while at that point, i never liked sharing/talking to people]. Realizing this conflict of interest, the re-learning process starts, just as a kid would be taught to be nice, to be polite, to be courteous, to be helpful, to be obedient etc. And the long ride ahead remains... ...

"Fear. We all have fear..."
-Lieutenant Spears, Band of Brothers