12th May

Recently I've been reading up on conditioning in the field of psychology, and just minutes ago I was reading up on what one of my best pals had written in his own blog. It sort of stirred my eyes a little...

He was talking about pains that are related to the issue of love, and later in his entry, he was lamenting that some people wishing to avoid love to pain the pain. And in this issue, I personally think that there are two kinds of pain, though similar in nature, but they rather different. One is constructive, the other - destructive.

Not only love and relationships come with their price of pain, so is everything else, running a business, one's profession, dealing with friends, even sports and lifestyles. When a couple runs into problems, conflicts arise, arguments ensued, and then the anger, the tears, the frustration, the pain. But, such pain, trouble should be seen as constructive to the relationship...ideally, a couple should communicate, come together to work out the problem...strengthening the bond. Because it's only an ideolgy, not many couples as it seems, practice it, or perhaps even have thought about it.

Perhaps it's part of the human nature in the industrial society, people are encouraged and molded in such as way that individualism reigns above anything else. When problems are right in front of them, we all would want to work it out "ourselves" instead to trying to work it out "together" or as a couple. There is such a great tendency to place individual/self happiness, satiety, gratification above the interests of others - including our own family, friends, spouse, loved ones... At the end of life, during our desperate and lonely times, only then we sometimes think that life is so meaningless and empty and lonely.

Eventually, individualism promotes itself and prevails...which is one of the main reasons that I believe why a loving relationship cannot work out. Unless one places the interests and happiness of their loved ones above self, it's hard to see how the relationship can sustain. Be it father-son relationship, sister-brother, among friends, boyfriend-girlfriend, a relationship cannot survive if one of the members in the relationship is individualistic. And finally when a relationship finally breaks down, especially a romantic relationship, the pain can become destructive - destructive to future relationships. Especially so when the breakup is due to egocentrism, self-centeredness. People then recover from their hurts, then their either try to avoid falling in love again, repeat the same mistakes, or in a postive way - learning from their mistakes.

As what probably B.F. Skinner would say on behavior, when a certain behavior (loving someone) leads to punishment (pain associated with the breakup), the tendency would be the gradual suppression or even extinction of that behavior (to love someone). A resultant would probably be avoidance behavior, when we learn to behave/respond in a way to "avoid some [negative emotion] from occuring". And this avoidance behavior are long lasting even after the punishment or negative result is obsolete, because there is no opportunity at all - a successful relationship is no longer possible when one avoids getting into a relationship because there is no relationship at all to speak of!

Perhaps as to reinforce my point on individualism contributing to itself, becoming the main culprite behind failed relationships, is my first romantic relationship which I later come to regret breaking. In that instance, I was the selfish one, the self-centered one. The relationship started off with her genuinely giving and loving me; but I had no idea what I should have done to keep a relationship going. Midway, she was already upset she had been the one loving me more than I was to her. And by then, I was learning to finally give than just to take...perhaps a little too late. Our dissatisfaction led to numerous squabbles and quarrels. Coupled with a lot of other pressing reasons from my side, I thought a breakup would do both of us good, which I later came to regret some time later. We could have tried to resolve the problems together but we didn't. Even when I thought trying to solve my own problems was a noble one - it was anything but that. If we all could lay out all our misgivings and anger out on the table and trash it out, things would have turned out different.

From that experience, I did learn a few things and I have have to admit that I still make the same mistakes now and then. As I would quote, "...if one does not learn from his/her lesson, everything would keep repeating itself until the lesson's learned." It's sad to say, however, after that first relationship, I rarely have a chance even as I speak to put what I'd learned into practice.

Another example I would draw would be the relatively successful friendships I share with my close friend. Though we do not know each other for long, we're as close as brothers. He once said, "We don't hear each; we listen to each other."

Apart from that, he's a friend, a really true friend who puts his friendship above his own interests. Being of the same age as he is, I often feel truly ashamed of myself, having been so selfish and all. And from this friendship, I've been learning from him, learning to give, learning to love others above self, the spirit of giving. As I often say, "I don't call you shifu for nothing." Perhaps it's due to us giving to each other, being generous to each other, caring and putting each other above ourselves that our friendship is close to kinship.

From here, I would like to thank my shifu for having taught me so much about friendship, love, giving, and physics and chemistry and mahjong! I wish all my friends "Godspeed."

Ric