Some answers, more questions

It's been more than a month since my last update. During this long period of hiding, I did, in fact, several times wanted to rant and post'em all up here. After thinking sometime, I relented, deciding that my rants could potentially cause more confusion or even hurt. During this long period away, shying from people and some of my friends, I did what I had thought was best for the situation.

One, I was primarily concerned, naturally, to sweep the dust that had settled some long time ago, which I had been procrastinating in cleaning up the mess. A part of me wilfully thought that time might just turn itself around; the other part of me have been strongly suggesting that nothing of that sort would happen. The latter was right, fate, or destiny has always been cruel to me, nothing less; hence I had no reason to expect otherwise.

Perhaps it was indeed a good thing. Failure, hurt, depression, dispair has been refusing to go away, a huge price was paid in exchange a small bit of wisdom, or folly.

Two, it might also be a good thing for whom's on my mind now. Deep down, I'm glad she's moved on in her life, and getting on fine - I presume. And if what I thought was right, it be a good thing for her also, so that my shadows would leave her forever. Otherwise, I can't spend another second thinking of her, lest I cry again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I opened up my computer, I update myself on the lives of my two best friends, by reading their blogs.

It appears people on the other side of the island are getting married.

Marriage, courtship, love... Love has done nothing for me except only to curse; a blessing it has never been. Let's take it from the beginning, and tell you guys how useless I'm when it comes to love ever since I was a teenager.

My first greatest depression was more than 5-6 years ago, and back then, I was supposed to be sitting for my O Level exams. Everything was going great, we were hanging out together, she was beautiful, gentle, until she suddenly walked and left my life without an answer. Naturally I was devastated. I was so confident of taking my O Levels to skies until this happened. My preliminary exams were complete disaster... After my O Level exam, that depression returned to plague me through the early years of my college life. Again, I was out for the longest time.

Not too long after, I met my first girlfriend. Ran into much conflicts, including strong opposition from my family, thanks to traditionalism, I collapsed and so did that relationship. And once again I sank deep into the ocean of melanoia. Only God knew when I got out.

Next, I was foolish to be moved by a 'damsel' who was hot and cold to me. Determined to make that relationship work, I did all I thought that could bring us together. One word, disaster.

Then, it was that girl who had me fall flat into the mercy of Cupid. Everything appeared to be wonderful until she abruptly left me as soon as she appeared. This was much like the first girl who I was in love with. No doubt I was once again out for good, and feeling like I'm in some shithole as I speak.

This is me, this is how foolish I am. Not learning my lesson, only to repeat mistake after mistake - falling in love, if it's what it is.

These recent weeks had been a little kinder, at least on my bum leg. As my leg felt a little better, so did my mood. During this time of recovery, at least I think it is, every second I tell myself not to let my guard down anymore; the walls have to stay up, not down. Not like I trust those smooth skinned anymore.

Meanwhile, I hope to catch up with my friends a little - it appears that during this long time away, I'm all lost and haven't been a friend to you all. My apologies.

Godspeed