Ramblings of a Wretched Mind

I'm pretty tired...even more so during this long period of "disappearance"...it was only a couple of days ago then I know a little more about what that has been going on with me.

Never thought it would bother me that much, never even seriously considered the possibility of it happening, and of course, it happened. And when it did, I didn't think it would hurt that much, and initially, it hurt only little...but the passing of time instead left a gaping wound that makes it even harder to heal. This wound, this open wound, eventually caused a serious infection to set it. I had developed a fever, a mind and its body bathed in ethereal flames and slowly, I was being engulfed and consumed. The flames had very much left me, much of the burns and scars remain, leaving me incapacitated and desperate.

During this long long time away, I've been asking a lot of questions, thought about many many things...one thing came to me, that I am someone who've never been happy, never truly happy. Even the very place that I live in is a chamber of torture and torment. Since young I've never been understood and truly loved, home is place that I would do what I could to avoid, but I could never get out of it, at least not yet. I grew up to become a loveless person, one who cares n one but self, and naturally, that made me an extremely unpopular person and had little friends. I never like people who were always seeking for attention and popularity, so I was rarely seen with a crowd.

Thinking back, I wonder sometimes why I had allowed myself to be that, but I've never quite regretted that...at least that's what made me. A social hermit, that's what I am...spends much time thinking about many things, asking many things. Silly things, perhaps like God, the purpose of life, about being happy, about love, about working, income...many things.

Eventually this life of solitude didn't seem quite to suit me anymore...and I still am not too sure what changed that. Naturally, I was a pretty much a failure trying to change...and gradually, I ran myself dry, and the world around me collapsed. No real home, loveless, had hardly any friends to hang around with, burdened with a bad leg, broked up my girlfriend, OOC-ed, I was scorned, laughed at...and I gave way. It wasn't the first time it happened anyway, but I still did...and it was then, my soul took a short trip to Hell, to Cania, to purgatory, whatever it is called.

That was the time when God came into my life...somehow I just found my way in, quite literally. It was there I felt a little different, perhaps due to the preconception that the community there was wiser. I was wrong and was tad disappointed...like any other place I had been, I was unpopular...not like I was trodding on everyone else's tail, things just didn't work out. The passion for God and wisdom died out in just less than a year after I first stepped in. My so-called sponsor gave up on me the last second, decided that he could no longer sponsor me through the spiritual journey, and vaguely reasoned that I just wasn't talking. Like in any screwups, he made it seemed like I was fully to blame.

At the same time, this youth group I was in didn't do much to help me get my soul out of Hell...I could still clearly recall that close to my baptism, I was trying very hard to talk to someone...for some strange, inexplicable reason, there had been no one for me. With one last bit of breath, with that silent promise to God that I would go ahead, I literally limped, with a cast, to the baptismal rites. Not surprisingly, not too long after that, I left the wretched place. To be a little fair to all parties, I needed help, but don't know what kinda help I needed...I just needed help, or just someone I guess.

I left the place as I could no longer stand the kind of hypocrisy lingering in the airs of the holy church, tainted by a majority of worshippers that don't seem to know what they're doing, what they believe, work and behave in ways even in the holy grounds, ways that were discouraged. What made me wanted to puke, was the pretense and false faces in church, all those prayers and rosaries, preachings about love...about something they know nuts about, acting in the exact opposite to what that was preached.

Not too long after I met a fellow sister as they would like to say...though from a different denomination...was an exaggerated version those whom I just described. It seemed like to her, to achieve love by means of emotional blackmail, coercion was accepted...faith and religion no longer seem to be much of a freewill anymore. Church, or the name of Christians, become more like a member to a resort club than mark of faith, other than that superficial membership, the name of being a Christian seem to mean nothing more. Exactly as I would describe six years back, that religion is truly a place for people to hide, a place where they could pour out their frustrations and tears when their fantasies don't work out. It was not a place of learning or worship, as I had hoped it would be. Perhaps it is for a minority...but I wasn't lucky enough to see that.

Roughly sometime after I had left church physically, no longer attending masses, no longer bothering to help out in their missions, I got acquainted with an intellectual who rarely fail to impress me...when I first know him, I saw him as a always cheerful person albeit burden with much responsibilities. Back then, he was busying with giving tuition to teenagers, helping out as a chairman to a small group young people in service to the local community, also a member (or was it chairman) to the chess club in university, a student to that university, a boyfriend to someone, and a scholar. In terms of intelligence, I was well aware that I was nowhere close to him, and was a little pleasently surprised that we were still able to communicate, and he didn't seem a bit bothered that I'm only an ordinary bummer on street, whose soul was spening much time burning in Cania, who could then no longer care for anything but bowling all day long.

What impressed me even more was that he was brought up like anyone of us, not some kind of rich kid or something, from a little less-than-well-to-do family, he was very well-mannered, and I could guess he was brought up real well by his parents, and not surprisingly, he's rather close to them, contrary to what's happening in my own home. One more thing that I've always been asking myself about him was that ir-erasable smile on his face...it still remains much of a question til date how one could remain happy all the time in this cursed world. That is one of the reasons why I call him my shifu, not for nothing, as I have much to learn from this guy.

After we've been friends for long, I see that he isn't that happy anymore...and I never could guess why it is. Sometimes I would think that it was because he's been hanging out with me for too long, for I am someone who knows not what being happy is about. Or it could be his recent failures in his romantic ventures, or it could be his increased workload...I don't know.

At about the same time, I met up with a very old good friend of mine whom I knew since we're old kids playing basketball in the school courts, singing in the choir, playing false prophets to the girls in class. Since that time I re-met him, he looked a lot different...seasoned, ballooned...to someone much larger but also stronger than I remember, wiser...very very different. I often wonder how he is able to spend so much time chatting with me...with him talking 95% of time...and we're still very much at it as I speak. Quite unexpectedly, during this period of infirmity and torment, he's been keeping me running well and good, quite literally also. I don't know how to thank these friends for spending so much time help keep me alive though I often wish otherwise.

I recall one late evening we had a long serious chat...when I finally had a glimpse into what that could have caused the drastic change in him...much of what as I expected...love. When we spoke, he said something that shook me to the back of my seat. It wasn't really what he had said, but the look he had when he said that, he seemed very determined and set on what he believed and unwavering. I am not sure of the severity of the impact that caused that change in him, but I could be sure, however, that its impact is not to be undermined. It came as quite a shock to as I could never quite understand how a young man like him would say something as that and being that determined. I wish I could do something to prove him otherwise...but alas, I couldn't...

Not long after we had that talk, a fate had befallen on me that had me instantly turned to his side. We were then so happy together...she's always smiling, always happy to see me, and when we finally got together...I was pleasantly surprised to see that she's even more excited than myself. That day, I thought I had proved myself wrong...but that didn't last.

Only days after we first held hands, she had a different look that morning than usual, I didn't know what it was...a beam of frost went past my spine. That evening I wanted to see her, to ask her what went wrong, so that I might be of help...I was refused. Later, it was revealed that she felt pressured and desperated wanted out...helpless, I could only agree to a vague reason, a vague reason that bred much questions spamming every conscious part of my mind. Til date, the real reason remains to be seen and the big question for that abrupt change is never answered. One day she was in skies with her hands in mine...the next she said we could be friends forever... It was that volatile.

The fantasy of a utopian romance of consisting nothing but only love remained as it is - a fantasy, an utopia, nothing more. I came up with many hypotheses about romance, about love, about fellowship, about attraction, about marriage...and I was never more convinced of my past theories. I denied them, my own beliefs and set to disprove them...only to prove previous theories right. I've never seen a successful example of a blissful marriage or relationship, not my parents, not my relatives', not in my past experiences, seemingly not in my friends' as well...

I'm not about to disprove my old theories anymore..for I have little left save for that last bit of sanity that remain. I've been worn and tattered...exhausted for further endeavors...no longer am I adventurous when romance is concerned (I wasn't truly adventurous in that sense anyway). If there is something that I have to regret about, I regret most whenever I allow my own defenses to go down and allow myself to fall in love. Looking at this failure as a lesson, there would not be a time anymore when I'll have my lasers down and guns holstered...truly I had enough.

If there still is room for fantasy...my fantasy would be that bachelor's house I've been raving about...if alone, I'll have a soundproof games room where I could play my computer so loud that fussy neighbor wouldn't hear a thing. My computer would have the fastest chip of that time, with all memory slots occupied, the best graphics card in town, a huge HDD with RAID, 19" LCD monitor, fully digital sound system, these would be good enough. No TV, no radio...I've no use for them anyway...a nice kitchen with a huge refrigerator where I could do my experiments and ask my friends down for dinner...(laughs)that's what friends are for ain't they? I'll have a pool table, where we could play in peace, or have mahjong all night and my dad would be miles away to hear anything to disturb his slumber.

And...before I end this long long rambling..here I would like to thank my friends, ZZ, Kelvin, and my dearest brother Ash (I still love to call him Bob), for being part of life and being so supportive and I love you guys...in case I don't have a chance to tell you guys that.

Ciao