A Meaningful Day

Today has indeed been a very humbling day for myself. It sounds like a bad day, but it really isn't - and I'm very very glad that I don't feel that way at all. In fact, it was earlier today, I saw a big gaping hole in myself, a hole so big yet myself couldn't see.

Since young, I've always thought that I had been very smart, and especially when I talked about how I was able to make quick cash from opportunities such as trading of collectibles - phone cards, stamps, selling jerseys, expensive oakleys, and how much I made from them. Though I didn't see for myself, I can imagine my eyes glowing with glee and smiling really broadly as I boast about how good I was.

My biggest flaw is that I'm a little smart. Because of this, arrogance had blinded myself from seeing my own mistakes, becoming a better person, "being more human". And today, an accidental revelation made myself see how self-centered, ego-centric, chauvinistic, narrow-minded, and how "small" my heart is.

Bryan, an old friend of mine, whom I thought needed some advice on management of his own finances. So I introduced him to meet Forrest, a very successful business consultant who's also a friend of mine. Before they met, I had briefly shared with Forrest about Bryan. And so when they met, she spoke with such fervor and sincerity, and most importantly she was authentic, genuine. When I asked her after Bryan had left, how she was able to speak so well and so genuinely, her answer was that she really wanted to help him.

There, I was left with my mouth opened, figuratively speaking; feeling ashamed of myself, deeply. There, Forrest was helping him by allowing him to understand how a different approach to a financial problem can have other solutions. And here, I was thinking "oh boy, this guy really needs some help, man", wanting to make him change the way he thinks.

Note the difference.

Obviously, I thought I was the smart guy, I am the intelligent one, they should listen, they should change...how arrogant I was! I had been behaving like Hitler, wanting to change and manipulate, and saw that by doing that, "I am helping these people!"

It was today I understand why I have been so unsuccessful with people, and why I have been so unpopular relative to my peers. Not only I was arrogant, I have been very "small" in my thinking. In mandarin, it would literally translate to that "my heart has been very small, not big enough". As a person, I'm very stingy, a scrooge, ego-centric, and ungenerous.

Well, I'm glad and very thankful that I'm able to see myself as such today, and convinced that it is because of what I have been, I haven't been popular, and successful. Thanking and praising God, for today is such a blessing, that may I be able to achieve greater heights as a person, an entrepreneur, and a man of God. Amen.