nine hundred and ninety-four days later

me is still pretty much the same me, yet much, is different now, very different.

before, my mind would be occupied with things like "am I making as much money as I should", "shall I go bowling today", "let's look for some new games", etc...

now, things like, "ok, all the bills are now cleared, just leave me alone, at least for as long as you can." "gotta remember to check on my car's engine oil level" "need to talk to her as soon as the dust settles down, she's gotta know she's got a tail." And most importantly, "what else does my restaurant need?"

just a few years ago, related to the last post, was the time I had my biggest betrayal in my life. it was also the time I felt gravely insulted because my needing to be affirmed, my needing for approval, my needing to be recognized and to be accepted, had been manipulated by a friend whom i had respected, believed, trusted, twisted to his own benefit. *spits*

on hindsight, yes, i had a tail, a pretty big, fat and ugly one, and i was greedy for success, just like a lot of men out there who wish to make a difference in their own lives and to show that we, though young, are capable of success. holding my breath for more than two years now, the lesson learned is that "Anywhere that is worth going, is worth the effort and going the extra miles for; Anyway that is worth going, has no shortcuts". I learned that the hard way, the very hard way. Harping on it a little more, the drill sergeant in America's Army says "the hard way, is the right way".

when that one step is made, the truth became clear, and that was when I could finally comprehend the wisdom behind the whole episode. Cliche would say, "Be true to yourself". i've been brought up being made to believe that the answer to many of the world's questions is money, and why we want you to be rich, is because we would rather you be part of the solution than part of the problem. sounds perfectly logical, almost, but there is at least one thing that they are missing out - we are humans. And humans don't make logical decisions all the time, because in humans there is something else that is equally if not more important - emotions.

people do things generally because they are motivated to do it, either by lure or desire, pull or push. I eat because I am hungry, I eat because that looks really good, I eat more because it's a bit of both!! Earlier today, I was feeling really hungry and craving for junk food because I hadn't had anything all day except for some cereal in the morning, and so for dinner my eyes really lighted up when my wife suggested we go for the ubiquitous chinese buffet and Popcorn shrimp just popped into my head. I don't want to talk about what happened but let's just say buffets will be something I'll be avoiding for a while.

in a way, cooking and a sharp sense of my tastebuds have been some of my best talents but all these years for some reason or another they have never been acknowledged or given credit for. Reasons like culinary arts and the restaurant business is a hard business, cooking is hard work and yes it really is, cooking for a living is even more harder, getting a degree and an office job that pays well is the way to go, and, you know the rest. Years ago, I had been in restaurant management positions, then I was convinced that I should get some sales experience and I did. In these careers I would say I did okay, well enough, something like a B to B+, but never an A- or above, if I get to grade myself performing in these jobs. Every night I would come home staring blankly into my bedroom ceiling, looking at the lights as if there was anything to observe, asking myself why I just can't work myself up to even an A-?

I tried forcing myself to work harder, but the extra 500% effort would only translate to an increase of 5% in results [and a 98% drop in my energy level]. In a few months time, burnout.

Someone once asked me, "What would you like to be doing when you're in your 40s?" And I said in an instant, "I would like to see myself in my own restaurant!" As I said that, looking at myself, I could see that I was far from that, but that question was really asking me, "what are you doing where y'at?"

It was time to be true to myself.

I had the answer all along and I didn't know it.

today I'm working at one of the best and most respected restaurant in town, and working with some of the finest chefs I have met, and I am proud of it. It saddens me to think that I might be leaving soon because I just want to have my own restaurant now! But I really hope to stay a little longer, at least another 4-5 years. Working in a restaurant is hard work, having to stand and sweat all day, having my chef nagging at me for not having a sanitizer bottle when I'm all fazed trying to get all my prep done on time, trying to get my food out nice and lovely and taste good and be proud of it....all these for eight straight hours often without rest for six consecutive days. for some of my colleagues, whom i greatly respected, who works two jobs instead of one, that's nothing, but for me who had never worked this hard....this is crazy.

But I love it. That's the most important.

The big lesson learned here after nine hundred and ninety four days is that you have to follow your heart. Allow your heart and your emotions to speak freely. Do not allow other people to influence and sway you in a direction that seems right. At some point along that road, we wish we had been clearer about what we had wanted to do. I was, but I had allowed noises to tell me otherwise, in the end, I had been taken on a whirlwind journey that though financially I was well off, there was no satisfaction, no gratification of the work that was done.

Because when you do, life starts to tell you its meaning, and God just told me mine.