When I had first got myself this job, I told myself to find meaning to it, so that it wouldn't bother me even if the going gets tough, or unfair. Idealistic still, the job was meant, at least for me, to be a gateway to find my hidden self, as well as to find my future self. And another one, was to find the reason why I had chosen this path in the first place.
At the first steps, almost everytime before I step into my workplace, I had to remind myself of my middle name - whose name I had yet to live up to; though yet at the same time, my first name is slowly losing its meaning for me. There were some initial success, albeit with many mis-turns and mis-moves. A new chance apparently revealed itself and it was bittersweet at best. During those best days, I could almost see myself transforming, becoming "a better person", but only to find myself retrograding to someone far worse than I had first began.
As I speak, those meanings appeared to have lost, and even seem ridiculous. And I'm now doubting myself if I had made the right decision right from the start. Nonetheless, I can no longer reverse the time, but find a way back to where I had wanted to go, without giving myself a moment to doubt. This is probably the best way now.
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