Today has indeed been a very humbling day for myself. It sounds like a bad day, but it really isn't - and I'm very very glad that I don't feel that way at all. In fact, it was earlier today, I saw a big gaping hole in myself, a hole so big yet myself couldn't see.
Since young, I've always thought that I had been very smart, and especially when I talked about how I was able to make quick cash from opportunities such as trading of collectibles - phone cards, stamps, selling jerseys, expensive oakleys, and how much I made from them. Though I didn't see for myself, I can imagine my eyes glowing with glee and smiling really broadly as I boast about how good I was.
My biggest flaw is that I'm a little smart. Because of this, arrogance had blinded myself from seeing my own mistakes, becoming a better person, "being more human". And today, an accidental revelation made myself see how self-centered, ego-centric, chauvinistic, narrow-minded, and how "small" my heart is.
Bryan, an old friend of mine, whom I thought needed some advice on management of his own finances. So I introduced him to meet Forrest, a very successful business consultant who's also a friend of mine. Before they met, I had briefly shared with Forrest about Bryan. And so when they met, she spoke with such fervor and sincerity, and most importantly she was authentic, genuine. When I asked her after Bryan had left, how she was able to speak so well and so genuinely, her answer was that she really wanted to help him.
There, I was left with my mouth opened, figuratively speaking; feeling ashamed of myself, deeply. There, Forrest was helping him by allowing him to understand how a different approach to a financial problem can have other solutions. And here, I was thinking "oh boy, this guy really needs some help, man", wanting to make him change the way he thinks.
Note the difference.
Obviously, I thought I was the smart guy, I am the intelligent one, they should listen, they should change...how arrogant I was! I had been behaving like Hitler, wanting to change and manipulate, and saw that by doing that, "I am helping these people!"
It was today I understand why I have been so unsuccessful with people, and why I have been so unpopular relative to my peers. Not only I was arrogant, I have been very "small" in my thinking. In mandarin, it would literally translate to that "my heart has been very small, not big enough". As a person, I'm very stingy, a scrooge, ego-centric, and ungenerous.
Well, I'm glad and very thankful that I'm able to see myself as such today, and convinced that it is because of what I have been, I haven't been popular, and successful. Thanking and praising God, for today is such a blessing, that may I be able to achieve greater heights as a person, an entrepreneur, and a man of God. Amen.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Flux
Hi Folks,
Longest time since I was last here, and I wonder how many readers I've still got.
If you've been reading, checking once in a while, here I would like to take this opportunity to thank you guys for checking me out, see how I was doing.
So if you have been, you'd know that I had been unwell - very very very unwell for the past months. Clunks and clunks of misfortune came one after another, and I couldn't handle it, I couldn't manage it.
Fortunately enough, I somehow found some breath, some motivation within to fight back - and I did. Thinking back, you guys would have known me as someone who'd been down again and again, depression after depression, each one getting worse than the one before. However, time and time again, I emerged victorious! Yeah, I'm happy about it! From the way I see it, these waves just don't seem to give and keep getting at me - but...no longer would I sink into despair. Again, I want to thank all my friends who have given, shown me support, cared and prayed for me during the bad times, and I also want to tell you guys that I'm going down no more. :)
Ahead of me, the road's split into many many ways, some look like traps, some look like the highway, some look like a detour...none of these paths look easy. From here, it's a very difficult climb even right from the start, but looking ahead, I know something good awaits. It feels great, fantasic, and I'm even jubliant to be on the road again.
The road I take is a road less traveled
The company of the old have chosen, left, and went
We had came a long way and alas we have to part
"Here I come!" as I said to myself
Step after step is the plan I have
Yard after yard is the road I see
Left, are minds of yesterday
Abandoned, what I have today
Seeking the promising paradise of tomorrow
Longest time since I was last here, and I wonder how many readers I've still got.
If you've been reading, checking once in a while, here I would like to take this opportunity to thank you guys for checking me out, see how I was doing.
So if you have been, you'd know that I had been unwell - very very very unwell for the past months. Clunks and clunks of misfortune came one after another, and I couldn't handle it, I couldn't manage it.
Fortunately enough, I somehow found some breath, some motivation within to fight back - and I did. Thinking back, you guys would have known me as someone who'd been down again and again, depression after depression, each one getting worse than the one before. However, time and time again, I emerged victorious! Yeah, I'm happy about it! From the way I see it, these waves just don't seem to give and keep getting at me - but...no longer would I sink into despair. Again, I want to thank all my friends who have given, shown me support, cared and prayed for me during the bad times, and I also want to tell you guys that I'm going down no more. :)
Ahead of me, the road's split into many many ways, some look like traps, some look like the highway, some look like a detour...none of these paths look easy. From here, it's a very difficult climb even right from the start, but looking ahead, I know something good awaits. It feels great, fantasic, and I'm even jubliant to be on the road again.
The road I take is a road less traveled
The company of the old have chosen, left, and went
We had came a long way and alas we have to part
"Here I come!" as I said to myself
Step after step is the plan I have
Yard after yard is the road I see
Left, are minds of yesterday
Abandoned, what I have today
Seeking the promising paradise of tomorrow
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Lost Meaning
When I had first got myself this job, I told myself to find meaning to it, so that it wouldn't bother me even if the going gets tough, or unfair. Idealistic still, the job was meant, at least for me, to be a gateway to find my hidden self, as well as to find my future self. And another one, was to find the reason why I had chosen this path in the first place.
At the first steps, almost everytime before I step into my workplace, I had to remind myself of my middle name - whose name I had yet to live up to; though yet at the same time, my first name is slowly losing its meaning for me. There were some initial success, albeit with many mis-turns and mis-moves. A new chance apparently revealed itself and it was bittersweet at best. During those best days, I could almost see myself transforming, becoming "a better person", but only to find myself retrograding to someone far worse than I had first began.
As I speak, those meanings appeared to have lost, and even seem ridiculous. And I'm now doubting myself if I had made the right decision right from the start. Nonetheless, I can no longer reverse the time, but find a way back to where I had wanted to go, without giving myself a moment to doubt. This is probably the best way now.
At the first steps, almost everytime before I step into my workplace, I had to remind myself of my middle name - whose name I had yet to live up to; though yet at the same time, my first name is slowly losing its meaning for me. There were some initial success, albeit with many mis-turns and mis-moves. A new chance apparently revealed itself and it was bittersweet at best. During those best days, I could almost see myself transforming, becoming "a better person", but only to find myself retrograding to someone far worse than I had first began.
As I speak, those meanings appeared to have lost, and even seem ridiculous. And I'm now doubting myself if I had made the right decision right from the start. Nonetheless, I can no longer reverse the time, but find a way back to where I had wanted to go, without giving myself a moment to doubt. This is probably the best way now.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Stranded
Nothing new. Stranded, that's how I feel these recent weeks. The worst is over most probably; looking at what i wrote in my last entry i thought, "Woah, I must be pretty banged up that night!" Certainly. Today, it's a lot better - sober, hungry (waiting for dinner to start), a little lonely, but everything's okay now.
Come think of it, things may not be so bad, after all, since like I would always say "i'm used to it" - i probably am, what could get any worst? Single or no, things won't change very much, I would eat just as much, laze just as much, gettin' nothin' done (hope not). Let's see if I can get something started after dinner.
Though it's been like a month already, it's not, it feels like i'm probably over it already - almost. Things are finally going back to normal. I don't think about her as much anymore, i feel better, less dependent on her (sort of), my legs feel stronger now - metaphorically speaking. What I can't deny is that there are still residual feelings, hopes for things that may/may not happen. I watched three movies today, in succession, on cable. Nothing impressive, except for one, perhaps, by Robert de Niro. Amazing, he looked vaguely like Keanu Reeves when he was young. Can't imagine him today doing the same role again. Well, the ending was de Niro got together with the one he loved; bad news was, himself and his lover were married, not to each other. Not to say that I was feelin' all mad with the idea of affairs, but because the married didn't seem to try to make any effort to improve on their own marriages.
This critique sounded as if it was directed to my own. Yes it was. I'm not married, but what struck me was the dumb'ol question of "what is love?" and "what is love, to other people, to her?" Have we already accept Hollywood's definition, and all it is about, is attraction, passion, romance, sex, and is there nothing else? If the world agrees with that, then I guess i'm the only daydreamer left in the reality.
Come think of it, things may not be so bad, after all, since like I would always say "i'm used to it" - i probably am, what could get any worst? Single or no, things won't change very much, I would eat just as much, laze just as much, gettin' nothin' done (hope not). Let's see if I can get something started after dinner.
Though it's been like a month already, it's not, it feels like i'm probably over it already - almost. Things are finally going back to normal. I don't think about her as much anymore, i feel better, less dependent on her (sort of), my legs feel stronger now - metaphorically speaking. What I can't deny is that there are still residual feelings, hopes for things that may/may not happen. I watched three movies today, in succession, on cable. Nothing impressive, except for one, perhaps, by Robert de Niro. Amazing, he looked vaguely like Keanu Reeves when he was young. Can't imagine him today doing the same role again. Well, the ending was de Niro got together with the one he loved; bad news was, himself and his lover were married, not to each other. Not to say that I was feelin' all mad with the idea of affairs, but because the married didn't seem to try to make any effort to improve on their own marriages.
This critique sounded as if it was directed to my own. Yes it was. I'm not married, but what struck me was the dumb'ol question of "what is love?" and "what is love, to other people, to her?" Have we already accept Hollywood's definition, and all it is about, is attraction, passion, romance, sex, and is there nothing else? If the world agrees with that, then I guess i'm the only daydreamer left in the reality.
Friday, January 05, 2007
The old days are back
Yeah, and it is. Just like the old times, the good, the bad...they're coming back. Come to think of it, not too long ago, maybe a year, or a little more, I've sworn not to drink again, with celebrations as an exception...i'm drinking now as i speak. Ok, I haven't drank a lot, yet. Looking at my glass, just a bit more to go.
Needless to guess, i'm drinking for all the same o' reasons again. Though this time, i didn't drink because i'm being dumped, but just before i'm gonna get left in the ditch. Thank God I haven't went too far on this wrong path I had foolishly undertaken...and for my dad's cognac. Tastes pretty good too - it's been a long time since I had a drop. That reminds me, I still have some tequila my friend left at my place - it's ok, i'll buy some rum to replace it. Haha.
Well, there's no new story. I fell, yeah, I fell...no big deal. Again, nothing new, "I thought she's gonna be different" - and like you've already guessed, yeah, she's just another one - leaver, quitter, escapist, whatever. One minute she's there, make you feel like you're the only one for her, send you up into the moons, tell ya that you're the only one for her...make one more step further, she says "i'm busy", "i need some time", "i don't know"...call her, sms some more, she leaves you thinking that either her phone account's outta the credit limit, or she'd turned off the phone, or she simply is too busy to return the message. Yeah right, too busy for even a minute to hit the reply button. Nice cognac by the way, thanks dad~
Women always have something to bitch about men, and why is it that the reverse isn't as well received? Women can say they've met the wrong guy, cries about how they had deserved better, elicit sympathy, and even love. Imagine, if I were to bitch about the bitches I'd met, think I'll get some sympathy, it'd be extremely fortunate if that baldie next to me doesn't put his beer bottle into my head. *Takes another shot. Nice.
Yet....the sad thing is...how can I, fuck care about the others, stop myself from falling into this illusion-of-romance-pittrap over and over again? Can any fucking thing be done to stop this nonsense? Ya know, I'm consoled to know that i'm not alone in this. Guess what? A couple of nights ago I was like what I am now, depressed, want to get real fuckin' drunk, instead, I chatted with someone online. Know what happened? Apparently it was a 'she', and she told me "...meet a few more bitches, and you'll know not to fall in love again". As I speak, I can't believe she said that. Even a 'she' said this herself. Hah, I don't know what to make out of it. Geez, i'm getting really drunk. Guess i'm outta here. Tata.
A drunk bastard
Needless to guess, i'm drinking for all the same o' reasons again. Though this time, i didn't drink because i'm being dumped, but just before i'm gonna get left in the ditch. Thank God I haven't went too far on this wrong path I had foolishly undertaken...and for my dad's cognac. Tastes pretty good too - it's been a long time since I had a drop. That reminds me, I still have some tequila my friend left at my place - it's ok, i'll buy some rum to replace it. Haha.
Well, there's no new story. I fell, yeah, I fell...no big deal. Again, nothing new, "I thought she's gonna be different" - and like you've already guessed, yeah, she's just another one - leaver, quitter, escapist, whatever. One minute she's there, make you feel like you're the only one for her, send you up into the moons, tell ya that you're the only one for her...make one more step further, she says "i'm busy", "i need some time", "i don't know"...call her, sms some more, she leaves you thinking that either her phone account's outta the credit limit, or she'd turned off the phone, or she simply is too busy to return the message. Yeah right, too busy for even a minute to hit the reply button. Nice cognac by the way, thanks dad~
Women always have something to bitch about men, and why is it that the reverse isn't as well received? Women can say they've met the wrong guy, cries about how they had deserved better, elicit sympathy, and even love. Imagine, if I were to bitch about the bitches I'd met, think I'll get some sympathy, it'd be extremely fortunate if that baldie next to me doesn't put his beer bottle into my head. *Takes another shot. Nice.
Yet....the sad thing is...how can I, fuck care about the others, stop myself from falling into this illusion-of-romance-pittrap over and over again? Can any fucking thing be done to stop this nonsense? Ya know, I'm consoled to know that i'm not alone in this. Guess what? A couple of nights ago I was like what I am now, depressed, want to get real fuckin' drunk, instead, I chatted with someone online. Know what happened? Apparently it was a 'she', and she told me "...meet a few more bitches, and you'll know not to fall in love again". As I speak, I can't believe she said that. Even a 'she' said this herself. Hah, I don't know what to make out of it. Geez, i'm getting really drunk. Guess i'm outta here. Tata.
A drunk bastard
Friday, March 03, 2006
The Johari windows, please help
Hey friends, if you're here visiting, perhaps you could spare a couple of minutes with a Johari window of mine... Thanks a lot. And you can make your own window too.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=RDL
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=RDL
Thanks folks.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=RDL
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=RDL
Thanks folks.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Quotable Quote
"Truth, has many faces...
...There is only one truth."
"Both statements, are true."
- Forgotten
...There is only one truth."
"Both statements, are true."
- Forgotten
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Deepest Emotions
Earlier, I woke up with a dull feeling on my chest, like something very very heavy resting itself on me, and I can hardly breathe, even now.
I did and completed my morning rituals, watched tv, played maple story, but my mind was blank and dull like my chest. My thoughts drifted to the things that have recently happened...
A lost temper, mine...
offended my dearest friend...
a happy friendship, terminated just like that...
A heart full of regrets...
full of remorse...
full of apologies...
alas, she would no hear me again.
Met an old friend...
he was badly worn down...
by malpractice and neglience...
Seeing that, I was deeply ashamed of myself...
for I'm amongst the luckiest...
yet weak, as I am.
A heart filled with hope once again...
was disappointed once again.
When my heart took a leap into springs...
was pierced into bits then again.
Her hands were so soft...
her smile so beautiful...
enchanting...
was only a dream that lived for a day.
She was met with troubles...
I stretched my hand out to her.
She was in pain...
I was hurt being of no help to her.
I asked for nothing more, but to accept my aid,
rejecting me...
that pain killed my mind...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alas, I'm glad to have my brothers with me. It wasn't until yesterday, I saw for myself their love for me. Feeling embarrassed, ashamed having to have worried my friends, I'm too glad to know my brothers are right behind me. A great dinner is what we shall have to celebrate this false yet genuine brotherhood.
Strong, is what I shall be. Tough, is what I need to be. Like the coming marathon, I shall stay strong and hang on and finish race the way I should...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Life is tough, but we're tougher!"
- Hu Zhen Zhong
I did and completed my morning rituals, watched tv, played maple story, but my mind was blank and dull like my chest. My thoughts drifted to the things that have recently happened...
A lost temper, mine...
offended my dearest friend...
a happy friendship, terminated just like that...
A heart full of regrets...
full of remorse...
full of apologies...
alas, she would no hear me again.
Met an old friend...
he was badly worn down...
by malpractice and neglience...
Seeing that, I was deeply ashamed of myself...
for I'm amongst the luckiest...
yet weak, as I am.
A heart filled with hope once again...
was disappointed once again.
When my heart took a leap into springs...
was pierced into bits then again.
Her hands were so soft...
her smile so beautiful...
enchanting...
was only a dream that lived for a day.
She was met with troubles...
I stretched my hand out to her.
She was in pain...
I was hurt being of no help to her.
I asked for nothing more, but to accept my aid,
rejecting me...
that pain killed my mind...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alas, I'm glad to have my brothers with me. It wasn't until yesterday, I saw for myself their love for me. Feeling embarrassed, ashamed having to have worried my friends, I'm too glad to know my brothers are right behind me. A great dinner is what we shall have to celebrate this false yet genuine brotherhood.
Strong, is what I shall be. Tough, is what I need to be. Like the coming marathon, I shall stay strong and hang on and finish race the way I should...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Life is tough, but we're tougher!"
- Hu Zhen Zhong
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Light of the Day
It's only when I learn, overcome the past fears, and face these fears once again, then I can let go, and my burden shall be lightened and be eventually free.
I haven't been able to carry on with my life because my load's too heavy, weighing me down, and hence, incapicitated. I came to a point where I could move no longer - my burdens so heavy I was buried in, with little chance of escape. My fears kept following me, stalking me, hunted and preyed on me.
"Unless the lesson is learned, it is to be repeated over, and over, and over again, until it is learned."
- Anonymous
I haven't been able to carry on with my life because my load's too heavy, weighing me down, and hence, incapicitated. I came to a point where I could move no longer - my burdens so heavy I was buried in, with little chance of escape. My fears kept following me, stalking me, hunted and preyed on me.
"Unless the lesson is learned, it is to be repeated over, and over, and over again, until it is learned."
- Anonymous
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Some answers, more questions
It's been more than a month since my last update. During this long period of hiding, I did, in fact, several times wanted to rant and post'em all up here. After thinking sometime, I relented, deciding that my rants could potentially cause more confusion or even hurt. During this long period away, shying from people and some of my friends, I did what I had thought was best for the situation.
One, I was primarily concerned, naturally, to sweep the dust that had settled some long time ago, which I had been procrastinating in cleaning up the mess. A part of me wilfully thought that time might just turn itself around; the other part of me have been strongly suggesting that nothing of that sort would happen. The latter was right, fate, or destiny has always been cruel to me, nothing less; hence I had no reason to expect otherwise.
Perhaps it was indeed a good thing. Failure, hurt, depression, dispair has been refusing to go away, a huge price was paid in exchange a small bit of wisdom, or folly.
Two, it might also be a good thing for whom's on my mind now. Deep down, I'm glad she's moved on in her life, and getting on fine - I presume. And if what I thought was right, it be a good thing for her also, so that my shadows would leave her forever. Otherwise, I can't spend another second thinking of her, lest I cry again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I opened up my computer, I update myself on the lives of my two best friends, by reading their blogs.
It appears people on the other side of the island are getting married.
Marriage, courtship, love... Love has done nothing for me except only to curse; a blessing it has never been. Let's take it from the beginning, and tell you guys how useless I'm when it comes to love ever since I was a teenager.
My first greatest depression was more than 5-6 years ago, and back then, I was supposed to be sitting for my O Level exams. Everything was going great, we were hanging out together, she was beautiful, gentle, until she suddenly walked and left my life without an answer. Naturally I was devastated. I was so confident of taking my O Levels to skies until this happened. My preliminary exams were complete disaster... After my O Level exam, that depression returned to plague me through the early years of my college life. Again, I was out for the longest time.
Not too long after, I met my first girlfriend. Ran into much conflicts, including strong opposition from my family, thanks to traditionalism, I collapsed and so did that relationship. And once again I sank deep into the ocean of melanoia. Only God knew when I got out.
Next, I was foolish to be moved by a 'damsel' who was hot and cold to me. Determined to make that relationship work, I did all I thought that could bring us together. One word, disaster.
Then, it was that girl who had me fall flat into the mercy of Cupid. Everything appeared to be wonderful until she abruptly left me as soon as she appeared. This was much like the first girl who I was in love with. No doubt I was once again out for good, and feeling like I'm in some shithole as I speak.
This is me, this is how foolish I am. Not learning my lesson, only to repeat mistake after mistake - falling in love, if it's what it is.
These recent weeks had been a little kinder, at least on my bum leg. As my leg felt a little better, so did my mood. During this time of recovery, at least I think it is, every second I tell myself not to let my guard down anymore; the walls have to stay up, not down. Not like I trust those smooth skinned anymore.
Meanwhile, I hope to catch up with my friends a little - it appears that during this long time away, I'm all lost and haven't been a friend to you all. My apologies.
Godspeed
One, I was primarily concerned, naturally, to sweep the dust that had settled some long time ago, which I had been procrastinating in cleaning up the mess. A part of me wilfully thought that time might just turn itself around; the other part of me have been strongly suggesting that nothing of that sort would happen. The latter was right, fate, or destiny has always been cruel to me, nothing less; hence I had no reason to expect otherwise.
Perhaps it was indeed a good thing. Failure, hurt, depression, dispair has been refusing to go away, a huge price was paid in exchange a small bit of wisdom, or folly.
Two, it might also be a good thing for whom's on my mind now. Deep down, I'm glad she's moved on in her life, and getting on fine - I presume. And if what I thought was right, it be a good thing for her also, so that my shadows would leave her forever. Otherwise, I can't spend another second thinking of her, lest I cry again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I opened up my computer, I update myself on the lives of my two best friends, by reading their blogs.
It appears people on the other side of the island are getting married.
Marriage, courtship, love... Love has done nothing for me except only to curse; a blessing it has never been. Let's take it from the beginning, and tell you guys how useless I'm when it comes to love ever since I was a teenager.
My first greatest depression was more than 5-6 years ago, and back then, I was supposed to be sitting for my O Level exams. Everything was going great, we were hanging out together, she was beautiful, gentle, until she suddenly walked and left my life without an answer. Naturally I was devastated. I was so confident of taking my O Levels to skies until this happened. My preliminary exams were complete disaster... After my O Level exam, that depression returned to plague me through the early years of my college life. Again, I was out for the longest time.
Not too long after, I met my first girlfriend. Ran into much conflicts, including strong opposition from my family, thanks to traditionalism, I collapsed and so did that relationship. And once again I sank deep into the ocean of melanoia. Only God knew when I got out.
Next, I was foolish to be moved by a 'damsel' who was hot and cold to me. Determined to make that relationship work, I did all I thought that could bring us together. One word, disaster.
Then, it was that girl who had me fall flat into the mercy of Cupid. Everything appeared to be wonderful until she abruptly left me as soon as she appeared. This was much like the first girl who I was in love with. No doubt I was once again out for good, and feeling like I'm in some shithole as I speak.
This is me, this is how foolish I am. Not learning my lesson, only to repeat mistake after mistake - falling in love, if it's what it is.
These recent weeks had been a little kinder, at least on my bum leg. As my leg felt a little better, so did my mood. During this time of recovery, at least I think it is, every second I tell myself not to let my guard down anymore; the walls have to stay up, not down. Not like I trust those smooth skinned anymore.
Meanwhile, I hope to catch up with my friends a little - it appears that during this long time away, I'm all lost and haven't been a friend to you all. My apologies.
Godspeed
Friday, July 29, 2005
Quote of the Day
“看人不能看表面。。。 表面只是人的百面中之一。。。“
- 元凯
"A man has many faces; the surface is only one of them."
- RDL
- 元凯
"A man has many faces; the surface is only one of them."
- RDL
Thursday, July 28, 2005
b'wet dreams
It was dark, and I couldn't quite see her face. All I could see was her shapely contours, her curves silhouetted against the dim candle light shining through the cream canvas screen behind. Her hair was long, and smooth as I felt them with the back of my hand. From I was, you could faintly smell her sweet cranberry cologne...crisp, alive, fruity, light - just enough for one close enough to pick up.
The tip of my fingers very lightly brushed her shoulders, outlining her silhouette and slowly, running down to her hands rested on my thigh. She was really so smooth, and soft, and sexy, something I have never felt before. Resting her fingers on mine, my hand turned around a little, stroking the back of her forearm feeling those soft hairs on the back of palms. I could see her took her arm back a little in a reflex, as a little shockwave ran through her body as she shook a little, letting out a soft chuckle. That tickled her.
Not saying a thing, she so gently stroked my face, looking through every feature and smiled. That smile was just so lovely, so beautiful, and that one smile was all I need in a dull day to turn it into the happiest day of my life. She had her hand against the back of head, looked into my eyes. Even with that low light, I managed to catch a soft glisten from her brown eyes. They were so enchanting, so pretty, so strikingly beautiful. Very slowly, very delicately pulled me towards her.
Closing my eyes, I could feel her lips on mine. They felt small, but full, supple, a little moist, then...warm. I was starting to feel light, my world was beginning to spin...nothing seem to matter anymore. That moment, there was only her and myself, just us, nothing more, nothing mattered. She leaned closer to me and we're deep within each other...we started to kiss harder, and we could hear ourselves breathing deeper but faster. Soon, her tougue found mine, and we were feeling each other in a whole unique way; our hearts were hitting hard against on chests, our faces flushed and heated with deep passion. That moment, we wanted only each other, nothing less, nothing more. We held each other so tightly then, skin to skin, heart to heart.
After what seemed like hours, our lips parted. I could see her face again. She seemed to be blushing furiously, catching her breath after the long long kiss. Sweat was beading all over her...her arms, her legs, her neck, her chest, her bosom, and she was...glistering. I could no longer hold myself back.
Holding me close to her breasts, like a mother holding her child to sleep, she slowly lowered herself on me. It felt a little wet, and soft, and warm...very warm. I had felt nothing like that before. That moment on, I was completely lost to the world; my heart was killing me, my face burning, my breath was getting fast...too fast, my eyes were moist and lightly swelled. I wanted to cry, that moment was all I asked for... ...
I open my eyes, catching my breath a little, and found myself fully clothed and covered with sweat. Licking my lips a little, my eyes went down. I've been finding myself like this, dreaming of dreams, fantasies that will never happen, hoping for a magic that never exists or work. Even if it would, not to me. Perhaps it might be that I've lost all confidence; in people including myself because we'd care only ourselves way too much, in love - if it even exists; in hope because hopes are never fulfilled; in everything - in life.
Dreams like this only exist within themselves - dreams, or imagination, movies, Hollywood, but life. So far, I've never witnessed the very real sense of love - selfless, giving, unrestrained, unconditional. What I have seen is nothing close to that - it always involved putting self first. Love, relationships, attachments become a "profit-loss" kind of business deal - people seem to first think of how that would benefit them...a very "real" sense of how the world works I guess. Romantic fantasies are, but like a mirage in the desert. That dream served only to sadden me even more...seducing me to keep dreaming, keep sleeping... I'm tired. And I do want to go on sleeping and not get up, too taxed, too exasperated to go on anymore.
It's time to get up.
The tip of my fingers very lightly brushed her shoulders, outlining her silhouette and slowly, running down to her hands rested on my thigh. She was really so smooth, and soft, and sexy, something I have never felt before. Resting her fingers on mine, my hand turned around a little, stroking the back of her forearm feeling those soft hairs on the back of palms. I could see her took her arm back a little in a reflex, as a little shockwave ran through her body as she shook a little, letting out a soft chuckle. That tickled her.
Not saying a thing, she so gently stroked my face, looking through every feature and smiled. That smile was just so lovely, so beautiful, and that one smile was all I need in a dull day to turn it into the happiest day of my life. She had her hand against the back of head, looked into my eyes. Even with that low light, I managed to catch a soft glisten from her brown eyes. They were so enchanting, so pretty, so strikingly beautiful. Very slowly, very delicately pulled me towards her.
Closing my eyes, I could feel her lips on mine. They felt small, but full, supple, a little moist, then...warm. I was starting to feel light, my world was beginning to spin...nothing seem to matter anymore. That moment, there was only her and myself, just us, nothing more, nothing mattered. She leaned closer to me and we're deep within each other...we started to kiss harder, and we could hear ourselves breathing deeper but faster. Soon, her tougue found mine, and we were feeling each other in a whole unique way; our hearts were hitting hard against on chests, our faces flushed and heated with deep passion. That moment, we wanted only each other, nothing less, nothing more. We held each other so tightly then, skin to skin, heart to heart.
After what seemed like hours, our lips parted. I could see her face again. She seemed to be blushing furiously, catching her breath after the long long kiss. Sweat was beading all over her...her arms, her legs, her neck, her chest, her bosom, and she was...glistering. I could no longer hold myself back.
Holding me close to her breasts, like a mother holding her child to sleep, she slowly lowered herself on me. It felt a little wet, and soft, and warm...very warm. I had felt nothing like that before. That moment on, I was completely lost to the world; my heart was killing me, my face burning, my breath was getting fast...too fast, my eyes were moist and lightly swelled. I wanted to cry, that moment was all I asked for... ...
I open my eyes, catching my breath a little, and found myself fully clothed and covered with sweat. Licking my lips a little, my eyes went down. I've been finding myself like this, dreaming of dreams, fantasies that will never happen, hoping for a magic that never exists or work. Even if it would, not to me. Perhaps it might be that I've lost all confidence; in people including myself because we'd care only ourselves way too much, in love - if it even exists; in hope because hopes are never fulfilled; in everything - in life.
Dreams like this only exist within themselves - dreams, or imagination, movies, Hollywood, but life. So far, I've never witnessed the very real sense of love - selfless, giving, unrestrained, unconditional. What I have seen is nothing close to that - it always involved putting self first. Love, relationships, attachments become a "profit-loss" kind of business deal - people seem to first think of how that would benefit them...a very "real" sense of how the world works I guess. Romantic fantasies are, but like a mirage in the desert. That dream served only to sadden me even more...seducing me to keep dreaming, keep sleeping... I'm tired. And I do want to go on sleeping and not get up, too taxed, too exasperated to go on anymore.
It's time to get up.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Ramblings of a Wretched Mind
I'm pretty tired...even more so during this long period of "disappearance"...it was only a couple of days ago then I know a little more about what that has been going on with me.
Never thought it would bother me that much, never even seriously considered the possibility of it happening, and of course, it happened. And when it did, I didn't think it would hurt that much, and initially, it hurt only little...but the passing of time instead left a gaping wound that makes it even harder to heal. This wound, this open wound, eventually caused a serious infection to set it. I had developed a fever, a mind and its body bathed in ethereal flames and slowly, I was being engulfed and consumed. The flames had very much left me, much of the burns and scars remain, leaving me incapacitated and desperate.
During this long long time away, I've been asking a lot of questions, thought about many many things...one thing came to me, that I am someone who've never been happy, never truly happy. Even the very place that I live in is a chamber of torture and torment. Since young I've never been understood and truly loved, home is place that I would do what I could to avoid, but I could never get out of it, at least not yet. I grew up to become a loveless person, one who cares n one but self, and naturally, that made me an extremely unpopular person and had little friends. I never like people who were always seeking for attention and popularity, so I was rarely seen with a crowd.
Thinking back, I wonder sometimes why I had allowed myself to be that, but I've never quite regretted that...at least that's what made me. A social hermit, that's what I am...spends much time thinking about many things, asking many things. Silly things, perhaps like God, the purpose of life, about being happy, about love, about working, income...many things.
Eventually this life of solitude didn't seem quite to suit me anymore...and I still am not too sure what changed that. Naturally, I was a pretty much a failure trying to change...and gradually, I ran myself dry, and the world around me collapsed. No real home, loveless, had hardly any friends to hang around with, burdened with a bad leg, broked up my girlfriend, OOC-ed, I was scorned, laughed at...and I gave way. It wasn't the first time it happened anyway, but I still did...and it was then, my soul took a short trip to Hell, to Cania, to purgatory, whatever it is called.
That was the time when God came into my life...somehow I just found my way in, quite literally. It was there I felt a little different, perhaps due to the preconception that the community there was wiser. I was wrong and was tad disappointed...like any other place I had been, I was unpopular...not like I was trodding on everyone else's tail, things just didn't work out. The passion for God and wisdom died out in just less than a year after I first stepped in. My so-called sponsor gave up on me the last second, decided that he could no longer sponsor me through the spiritual journey, and vaguely reasoned that I just wasn't talking. Like in any screwups, he made it seemed like I was fully to blame.
At the same time, this youth group I was in didn't do much to help me get my soul out of Hell...I could still clearly recall that close to my baptism, I was trying very hard to talk to someone...for some strange, inexplicable reason, there had been no one for me. With one last bit of breath, with that silent promise to God that I would go ahead, I literally limped, with a cast, to the baptismal rites. Not surprisingly, not too long after that, I left the wretched place. To be a little fair to all parties, I needed help, but don't know what kinda help I needed...I just needed help, or just someone I guess.
I left the place as I could no longer stand the kind of hypocrisy lingering in the airs of the holy church, tainted by a majority of worshippers that don't seem to know what they're doing, what they believe, work and behave in ways even in the holy grounds, ways that were discouraged. What made me wanted to puke, was the pretense and false faces in church, all those prayers and rosaries, preachings about love...about something they know nuts about, acting in the exact opposite to what that was preached.
Not too long after I met a fellow sister as they would like to say...though from a different denomination...was an exaggerated version those whom I just described. It seemed like to her, to achieve love by means of emotional blackmail, coercion was accepted...faith and religion no longer seem to be much of a freewill anymore. Church, or the name of Christians, become more like a member to a resort club than mark of faith, other than that superficial membership, the name of being a Christian seem to mean nothing more. Exactly as I would describe six years back, that religion is truly a place for people to hide, a place where they could pour out their frustrations and tears when their fantasies don't work out. It was not a place of learning or worship, as I had hoped it would be. Perhaps it is for a minority...but I wasn't lucky enough to see that.
Roughly sometime after I had left church physically, no longer attending masses, no longer bothering to help out in their missions, I got acquainted with an intellectual who rarely fail to impress me...when I first know him, I saw him as a always cheerful person albeit burden with much responsibilities. Back then, he was busying with giving tuition to teenagers, helping out as a chairman to a small group young people in service to the local community, also a member (or was it chairman) to the chess club in university, a student to that university, a boyfriend to someone, and a scholar. In terms of intelligence, I was well aware that I was nowhere close to him, and was a little pleasently surprised that we were still able to communicate, and he didn't seem a bit bothered that I'm only an ordinary bummer on street, whose soul was spening much time burning in Cania, who could then no longer care for anything but bowling all day long.
What impressed me even more was that he was brought up like anyone of us, not some kind of rich kid or something, from a little less-than-well-to-do family, he was very well-mannered, and I could guess he was brought up real well by his parents, and not surprisingly, he's rather close to them, contrary to what's happening in my own home. One more thing that I've always been asking myself about him was that ir-erasable smile on his face...it still remains much of a question til date how one could remain happy all the time in this cursed world. That is one of the reasons why I call him my shifu, not for nothing, as I have much to learn from this guy.
After we've been friends for long, I see that he isn't that happy anymore...and I never could guess why it is. Sometimes I would think that it was because he's been hanging out with me for too long, for I am someone who knows not what being happy is about. Or it could be his recent failures in his romantic ventures, or it could be his increased workload...I don't know.
At about the same time, I met up with a very old good friend of mine whom I knew since we're old kids playing basketball in the school courts, singing in the choir, playing false prophets to the girls in class. Since that time I re-met him, he looked a lot different...seasoned, ballooned...to someone much larger but also stronger than I remember, wiser...very very different. I often wonder how he is able to spend so much time chatting with me...with him talking 95% of time...and we're still very much at it as I speak. Quite unexpectedly, during this period of infirmity and torment, he's been keeping me running well and good, quite literally also. I don't know how to thank these friends for spending so much time help keep me alive though I often wish otherwise.
I recall one late evening we had a long serious chat...when I finally had a glimpse into what that could have caused the drastic change in him...much of what as I expected...love. When we spoke, he said something that shook me to the back of my seat. It wasn't really what he had said, but the look he had when he said that, he seemed very determined and set on what he believed and unwavering. I am not sure of the severity of the impact that caused that change in him, but I could be sure, however, that its impact is not to be undermined. It came as quite a shock to as I could never quite understand how a young man like him would say something as that and being that determined. I wish I could do something to prove him otherwise...but alas, I couldn't...
Not long after we had that talk, a fate had befallen on me that had me instantly turned to his side. We were then so happy together...she's always smiling, always happy to see me, and when we finally got together...I was pleasantly surprised to see that she's even more excited than myself. That day, I thought I had proved myself wrong...but that didn't last.
Only days after we first held hands, she had a different look that morning than usual, I didn't know what it was...a beam of frost went past my spine. That evening I wanted to see her, to ask her what went wrong, so that I might be of help...I was refused. Later, it was revealed that she felt pressured and desperated wanted out...helpless, I could only agree to a vague reason, a vague reason that bred much questions spamming every conscious part of my mind. Til date, the real reason remains to be seen and the big question for that abrupt change is never answered. One day she was in skies with her hands in mine...the next she said we could be friends forever... It was that volatile.
The fantasy of a utopian romance of consisting nothing but only love remained as it is - a fantasy, an utopia, nothing more. I came up with many hypotheses about romance, about love, about fellowship, about attraction, about marriage...and I was never more convinced of my past theories. I denied them, my own beliefs and set to disprove them...only to prove previous theories right. I've never seen a successful example of a blissful marriage or relationship, not my parents, not my relatives', not in my past experiences, seemingly not in my friends' as well...
I'm not about to disprove my old theories anymore..for I have little left save for that last bit of sanity that remain. I've been worn and tattered...exhausted for further endeavors...no longer am I adventurous when romance is concerned (I wasn't truly adventurous in that sense anyway). If there is something that I have to regret about, I regret most whenever I allow my own defenses to go down and allow myself to fall in love. Looking at this failure as a lesson, there would not be a time anymore when I'll have my lasers down and guns holstered...truly I had enough.
If there still is room for fantasy...my fantasy would be that bachelor's house I've been raving about...if alone, I'll have a soundproof games room where I could play my computer so loud that fussy neighbor wouldn't hear a thing. My computer would have the fastest chip of that time, with all memory slots occupied, the best graphics card in town, a huge HDD with RAID, 19" LCD monitor, fully digital sound system, these would be good enough. No TV, no radio...I've no use for them anyway...a nice kitchen with a huge refrigerator where I could do my experiments and ask my friends down for dinner...(laughs)that's what friends are for ain't they? I'll have a pool table, where we could play in peace, or have mahjong all night and my dad would be miles away to hear anything to disturb his slumber.
And...before I end this long long rambling..here I would like to thank my friends, ZZ, Kelvin, and my dearest brother Ash (I still love to call him Bob), for being part of life and being so supportive and I love you guys...in case I don't have a chance to tell you guys that.
Ciao
Never thought it would bother me that much, never even seriously considered the possibility of it happening, and of course, it happened. And when it did, I didn't think it would hurt that much, and initially, it hurt only little...but the passing of time instead left a gaping wound that makes it even harder to heal. This wound, this open wound, eventually caused a serious infection to set it. I had developed a fever, a mind and its body bathed in ethereal flames and slowly, I was being engulfed and consumed. The flames had very much left me, much of the burns and scars remain, leaving me incapacitated and desperate.
During this long long time away, I've been asking a lot of questions, thought about many many things...one thing came to me, that I am someone who've never been happy, never truly happy. Even the very place that I live in is a chamber of torture and torment. Since young I've never been understood and truly loved, home is place that I would do what I could to avoid, but I could never get out of it, at least not yet. I grew up to become a loveless person, one who cares n one but self, and naturally, that made me an extremely unpopular person and had little friends. I never like people who were always seeking for attention and popularity, so I was rarely seen with a crowd.
Thinking back, I wonder sometimes why I had allowed myself to be that, but I've never quite regretted that...at least that's what made me. A social hermit, that's what I am...spends much time thinking about many things, asking many things. Silly things, perhaps like God, the purpose of life, about being happy, about love, about working, income...many things.
Eventually this life of solitude didn't seem quite to suit me anymore...and I still am not too sure what changed that. Naturally, I was a pretty much a failure trying to change...and gradually, I ran myself dry, and the world around me collapsed. No real home, loveless, had hardly any friends to hang around with, burdened with a bad leg, broked up my girlfriend, OOC-ed, I was scorned, laughed at...and I gave way. It wasn't the first time it happened anyway, but I still did...and it was then, my soul took a short trip to Hell, to Cania, to purgatory, whatever it is called.
That was the time when God came into my life...somehow I just found my way in, quite literally. It was there I felt a little different, perhaps due to the preconception that the community there was wiser. I was wrong and was tad disappointed...like any other place I had been, I was unpopular...not like I was trodding on everyone else's tail, things just didn't work out. The passion for God and wisdom died out in just less than a year after I first stepped in. My so-called sponsor gave up on me the last second, decided that he could no longer sponsor me through the spiritual journey, and vaguely reasoned that I just wasn't talking. Like in any screwups, he made it seemed like I was fully to blame.
At the same time, this youth group I was in didn't do much to help me get my soul out of Hell...I could still clearly recall that close to my baptism, I was trying very hard to talk to someone...for some strange, inexplicable reason, there had been no one for me. With one last bit of breath, with that silent promise to God that I would go ahead, I literally limped, with a cast, to the baptismal rites. Not surprisingly, not too long after that, I left the wretched place. To be a little fair to all parties, I needed help, but don't know what kinda help I needed...I just needed help, or just someone I guess.
I left the place as I could no longer stand the kind of hypocrisy lingering in the airs of the holy church, tainted by a majority of worshippers that don't seem to know what they're doing, what they believe, work and behave in ways even in the holy grounds, ways that were discouraged. What made me wanted to puke, was the pretense and false faces in church, all those prayers and rosaries, preachings about love...about something they know nuts about, acting in the exact opposite to what that was preached.
Not too long after I met a fellow sister as they would like to say...though from a different denomination...was an exaggerated version those whom I just described. It seemed like to her, to achieve love by means of emotional blackmail, coercion was accepted...faith and religion no longer seem to be much of a freewill anymore. Church, or the name of Christians, become more like a member to a resort club than mark of faith, other than that superficial membership, the name of being a Christian seem to mean nothing more. Exactly as I would describe six years back, that religion is truly a place for people to hide, a place where they could pour out their frustrations and tears when their fantasies don't work out. It was not a place of learning or worship, as I had hoped it would be. Perhaps it is for a minority...but I wasn't lucky enough to see that.
Roughly sometime after I had left church physically, no longer attending masses, no longer bothering to help out in their missions, I got acquainted with an intellectual who rarely fail to impress me...when I first know him, I saw him as a always cheerful person albeit burden with much responsibilities. Back then, he was busying with giving tuition to teenagers, helping out as a chairman to a small group young people in service to the local community, also a member (or was it chairman) to the chess club in university, a student to that university, a boyfriend to someone, and a scholar. In terms of intelligence, I was well aware that I was nowhere close to him, and was a little pleasently surprised that we were still able to communicate, and he didn't seem a bit bothered that I'm only an ordinary bummer on street, whose soul was spening much time burning in Cania, who could then no longer care for anything but bowling all day long.
What impressed me even more was that he was brought up like anyone of us, not some kind of rich kid or something, from a little less-than-well-to-do family, he was very well-mannered, and I could guess he was brought up real well by his parents, and not surprisingly, he's rather close to them, contrary to what's happening in my own home. One more thing that I've always been asking myself about him was that ir-erasable smile on his face...it still remains much of a question til date how one could remain happy all the time in this cursed world. That is one of the reasons why I call him my shifu, not for nothing, as I have much to learn from this guy.
After we've been friends for long, I see that he isn't that happy anymore...and I never could guess why it is. Sometimes I would think that it was because he's been hanging out with me for too long, for I am someone who knows not what being happy is about. Or it could be his recent failures in his romantic ventures, or it could be his increased workload...I don't know.
At about the same time, I met up with a very old good friend of mine whom I knew since we're old kids playing basketball in the school courts, singing in the choir, playing false prophets to the girls in class. Since that time I re-met him, he looked a lot different...seasoned, ballooned...to someone much larger but also stronger than I remember, wiser...very very different. I often wonder how he is able to spend so much time chatting with me...with him talking 95% of time...and we're still very much at it as I speak. Quite unexpectedly, during this period of infirmity and torment, he's been keeping me running well and good, quite literally also. I don't know how to thank these friends for spending so much time help keep me alive though I often wish otherwise.
I recall one late evening we had a long serious chat...when I finally had a glimpse into what that could have caused the drastic change in him...much of what as I expected...love. When we spoke, he said something that shook me to the back of my seat. It wasn't really what he had said, but the look he had when he said that, he seemed very determined and set on what he believed and unwavering. I am not sure of the severity of the impact that caused that change in him, but I could be sure, however, that its impact is not to be undermined. It came as quite a shock to as I could never quite understand how a young man like him would say something as that and being that determined. I wish I could do something to prove him otherwise...but alas, I couldn't...
Not long after we had that talk, a fate had befallen on me that had me instantly turned to his side. We were then so happy together...she's always smiling, always happy to see me, and when we finally got together...I was pleasantly surprised to see that she's even more excited than myself. That day, I thought I had proved myself wrong...but that didn't last.
Only days after we first held hands, she had a different look that morning than usual, I didn't know what it was...a beam of frost went past my spine. That evening I wanted to see her, to ask her what went wrong, so that I might be of help...I was refused. Later, it was revealed that she felt pressured and desperated wanted out...helpless, I could only agree to a vague reason, a vague reason that bred much questions spamming every conscious part of my mind. Til date, the real reason remains to be seen and the big question for that abrupt change is never answered. One day she was in skies with her hands in mine...the next she said we could be friends forever... It was that volatile.
The fantasy of a utopian romance of consisting nothing but only love remained as it is - a fantasy, an utopia, nothing more. I came up with many hypotheses about romance, about love, about fellowship, about attraction, about marriage...and I was never more convinced of my past theories. I denied them, my own beliefs and set to disprove them...only to prove previous theories right. I've never seen a successful example of a blissful marriage or relationship, not my parents, not my relatives', not in my past experiences, seemingly not in my friends' as well...
I'm not about to disprove my old theories anymore..for I have little left save for that last bit of sanity that remain. I've been worn and tattered...exhausted for further endeavors...no longer am I adventurous when romance is concerned (I wasn't truly adventurous in that sense anyway). If there is something that I have to regret about, I regret most whenever I allow my own defenses to go down and allow myself to fall in love. Looking at this failure as a lesson, there would not be a time anymore when I'll have my lasers down and guns holstered...truly I had enough.
If there still is room for fantasy...my fantasy would be that bachelor's house I've been raving about...if alone, I'll have a soundproof games room where I could play my computer so loud that fussy neighbor wouldn't hear a thing. My computer would have the fastest chip of that time, with all memory slots occupied, the best graphics card in town, a huge HDD with RAID, 19" LCD monitor, fully digital sound system, these would be good enough. No TV, no radio...I've no use for them anyway...a nice kitchen with a huge refrigerator where I could do my experiments and ask my friends down for dinner...(laughs)that's what friends are for ain't they? I'll have a pool table, where we could play in peace, or have mahjong all night and my dad would be miles away to hear anything to disturb his slumber.
And...before I end this long long rambling..here I would like to thank my friends, ZZ, Kelvin, and my dearest brother Ash (I still love to call him Bob), for being part of life and being so supportive and I love you guys...in case I don't have a chance to tell you guys that.
Ciao
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Vanishing
"..you know... it's been weeks, many weeks. I have been wondering around, been to many places, felt many things, thought of many things. And after so long, I'm back."
"But, things seem to have changed, even when everything look the same. I have changed..."
"...actually, all I want is to talk, nothing else. Even when I was away, left my work behind, every other things followed..."
"Blast..."
"I'm even more tired than before, (laughs softly) when I'm supposed to feel better after my break, ain't it?"
"Now I'm stuck, lost my words, don't know what to say now."
"(looking) I wish I am you, smiling so broadly every time I see you, everyday, every minute."
"I've always thought I've done pretty well, really. In almost everything I do, I gave it my best shot, even in things I didn't really like doing, but I did anyway. "
"Or perhaps, I am just delusional, just like she had said."
"To you, I admit, that I'm a bad son to my father. I know it, and I am sorry I can't really do any better than that. I do what I can...for as long as I still hold on to my last bit of sanity."
"You know, I nearly lost it many times during these short weeks or months. Sometimes it seems like things don't matter, or would change any single bit even if I leave..."
"Life would go on, I am just a single drop of water in the vast ocean..."
"...would be forgotten."
"Once I had a dream...nobody came. And when I saw that...I was very upset. After all, I guess I really have to believe that I've done a terrible job at everything I do."
"No longer present is self-identity...but just like a shapeless, formless, nameless shadow..."
"Nobody tells me who I am anymore and...their eyes...seem to tell me that I've lost it."
"Hey you! Yeah, nutcase!!! I'm talking to you!!"
"Moron..."
"He's nuts..."
"Very slowly, yet so quickly, it feels like I'm vanishing from the face of this earth..."
"Am I?"
"I don't know if I feel upset anymore, perhaps, it's due to acceptance. The acceptance of fate, that's what it is. Or rather, 'destiny' is a better word."
"I never believed in that..."
"...but, I guess I do now."
"But, things seem to have changed, even when everything look the same. I have changed..."
"...actually, all I want is to talk, nothing else. Even when I was away, left my work behind, every other things followed..."
"Blast..."
"I'm even more tired than before, (laughs softly) when I'm supposed to feel better after my break, ain't it?"
"Now I'm stuck, lost my words, don't know what to say now."
"(looking) I wish I am you, smiling so broadly every time I see you, everyday, every minute."
"I've always thought I've done pretty well, really. In almost everything I do, I gave it my best shot, even in things I didn't really like doing, but I did anyway. "
"Or perhaps, I am just delusional, just like she had said."
"To you, I admit, that I'm a bad son to my father. I know it, and I am sorry I can't really do any better than that. I do what I can...for as long as I still hold on to my last bit of sanity."
"You know, I nearly lost it many times during these short weeks or months. Sometimes it seems like things don't matter, or would change any single bit even if I leave..."
"Life would go on, I am just a single drop of water in the vast ocean..."
"...would be forgotten."
"Once I had a dream...nobody came. And when I saw that...I was very upset. After all, I guess I really have to believe that I've done a terrible job at everything I do."
"No longer present is self-identity...but just like a shapeless, formless, nameless shadow..."
"Nobody tells me who I am anymore and...their eyes...seem to tell me that I've lost it."
"Hey you! Yeah, nutcase!!! I'm talking to you!!"
"Moron..."
"He's nuts..."
"Very slowly, yet so quickly, it feels like I'm vanishing from the face of this earth..."
"Am I?"
"I don't know if I feel upset anymore, perhaps, it's due to acceptance. The acceptance of fate, that's what it is. Or rather, 'destiny' is a better word."
"I never believed in that..."
"...but, I guess I do now."
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